a nice little break.

I must say, being on spring break and not seeing or speaking to him…it’s refreshing and it’s been nice to say the least. Unfortunately, break is almost over for me and there’s no avoiding him once I get back to school. I haven’t thought about him, I haven’t gotten jealous over the fact he may be hanging out with or talking to that other girl. Not even a little. But when I have to go to class on Wednesday, that’ll be a different story.

By Tuesday, I’ll have about a month and a half left of school, then I can say goodbye forever and be done with him…for good. And I can’t wait for that day to come. I’ve never been hurt by the same person so many times and at this point, I can’t see myself being friends with him. It’s not fair to either of us.

I’ve enjoyed my escape from reality…but…all good things must come to an end, right?

– beautifuldarkmystery

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the end of the semester is nearing.

And I can feel it. Papers, projects, the rest of my midterms…I feel like there’s so much that needs to be done in six weeks. That’s it. Just six weeks left and it’s summer vacation for me. Wow. Where did the time go? I’ll save the reflection post for another day. You all know I’ll have a lot to say when the time comes.

My sister was on spring break this past week and it was great to have her home. She’s flying back tomorrow and then it’s time for the home stretch! It’s going to go by quickly too, I know. I really wish I would have been more productive over my spring break because I’m beginning to feel all the school work catching up to me. I’m simultaneously working on different major assignments in pretty much all of my classes. I have one more midterm (which is tomorrow), I have to make a business plan, I’m currently writing a 4,000-8,000-word Feature piece, writing a 12-pg research paper for critical studies in film, and breaking down a 116-page script for my final project in film management. Yikes. Talk about stress. I definitely wish I would have taken advantage of that time off, but now I pay the price. 😛 Lesson learned, kids. That’s why I haven’t posted anything for a while and it’s probably best I stay off of all forms of social media until after finals. I need to find my discipline again because this is unacceptable.

Well, I hope everyone had a lovely spring break and I hope you’re all well and life’s treating you just fine. As for my situation with that guy I liked, I am still finding it difficult to move on because there’s something in my gut telling me it’s not over…that there’s still a possibility we could be friends again. But, let’s not get our hopes up because we all know how that ends. I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy so that I’m not left sitting in my room over-thinking every little thing about that situation. I’m not going to lie though, the hardest part is when I’m up late at night, sitting in my room, all alone. That’s the only time I’m not doing anything and my mind is filled with all these thoughts. I know it’s like that for most people. But truthfully, though I haven’t completely let go yet, it IS getting a little easier with each day. Slowly and slowly. It’s a process. But I truly believe time heals everything. Have a great week, everyone!

-beautifuldarkmystery

i don’t want break to end.

It’s been so nice having a week away from him…not seeing him, not having to deal with the tension between us. I’m not looking forward to that one class we have together for the rest of the semester. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, there’s always going to be that tension there, it’s just inevitable. But, I’m not going to focus on that…or at least try.

There’s only a month and a half left of this semester and then it’s 3 months of summer vacation. There are days I still wish things didn’t turn out this way, but that’s life…there are a lot of those moments. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out according to plan. I would have liked to have ended things on a good note, but that’s not something I can control.

I do hope he’s had a good spring break. He’s probably over this whole thing by now…and here I am, sitting here as each day goes by…my mind always wanders to him…forever in the back of my mind. I know that with time it’ll get easier because it already has! That feeling of shock and being in denial has gone away, now the reality is finally sinking in.

One thing’s for sure…I’m REALLY glad I got to spend some time with two of my high school friends during spring break. Seeing them reminded me that I’ve still got some pretty amazing people in my life…people who’ve continually been there for me and shown me the love and support. We didn’t even have to talk about deep stuff…we just hung out and had a great time. I really miss them. I’ve realized that I’ve pretty much lost most of my friendships from high school and it’s kind of sad. But the ones I still keep in touch with, I know those friendships are real because we don’t have to see or talk to each other every day, but when we hang out, we’re able to pick up right from where we left off and it’s fantastic.

I wonder if he’s been texting this new girl…probably…and it’s sad to think she’s falling for the same words I fell for as we speak. Well, I can say this much…it won’t be long until she begins to see this pattern and then it’s on to the next. I hate to say it, but it’s true. He clearly doesn’t see that there’s something wrong with his behavior, therefore, he’s not going to do anything to change it. He needs to seriously grow up. As much as he wants to be a kid, he’s not one anymore. He’s an adult. It’s time to start taking certain things more seriously. I’m not saying everything has to be serious, but you’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

-beautifuldarkmystery

it’s difficult, but i’m trying.

No one said moving on was going to be easy, it never is. I was looking forward to having spring break because I knew it meant not seeing hin around campus. However, since I started break, that’s the only thing that’s been on my mind. It sucks because I’m pretty sure he’s not thinking about me. I’m the one who called off the friendship, and yet I’m the one who wants him back.

Every time I get those thoughts, I tell myself that I don’t need people like that in my life. If he honestly cared about me like he claimed he did, he would have showed that. I’ve said it over and over again…his actions did not match his words. In addition, I actually have felt better cutting ties with him because after I did, I realized how much tension there really was between the two of us. It literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I think that says a lot.

I feel like once I go through something like this, I take some time for myself and I “switch it up.” I scheduled a hair appointment for Thursday and I’m going to cut my hair and get it styled (it’s about time…it’s been like three years), I went shopping today and bought a bunch of new clothes for spring. When it comes time to go back to school, I’m going to be ready. Fresh look, fresh start. I don’t know if anyone else does that, but it usually helps me.

One of my good friends is home for break and I’m going to try and get together with her. She’s probably the only one right now, besides my family, who’s close enough to me that I can tell her these things without feeling like a burden. We are so alike in terms of our personalities, it’s unbelievable. We can understand each other in a way no one else can and she’s a good listener. I’ll see what she has to say about this.

I also hope to get together with one of my friends from college so we can go take a day trip somewhere and take some photographs. It’ll just be nice to have any sort of distraction…something to keep me happy and make me forget about all of this for a while. I don’t want my whole break consumed in these negative thoughts because really, I should be doing the opposite. I should be happy and thankful for the real friends I have in my life and to have a family who cares. And I am, but I’m not going to completely ignore the fact that this sucks. I could be worse though…I could be in the state I was in that night he texted me and asked me where we stood in terms of having a future relationship. I didn’t sleep well, barely ate (which resulted in a dramatic weight loss), overworked myself, and cried (a lot). But right now, I am okay…there’s none of that. The only thing that’s bothering me is that as much as I try to tell myself not to think about this, the more I do. 😛 I know it will get better though, it always does.

-beautifuldarkmystery