anonymous.

I received an anonymous compliment the other day, and I can’t help but wonder who it’s from. The thing is, the person who wrote it…has to know me well, I mean, as more than an acquaintance A) because my name was spelled right and B) because of what this person said. I know I’ll never know so there’s no use in thinking about it. But a part of me thinks it’s from him. I almost asked but then again, there’s a reason it was sent anonymously. I just think it’s a little strange that he was the first person to “like” it, the first person to notify me about it, and the only person to “like” my response when I said, “You should reveal yourself.” But I’m not going to over-think this. I just need to accept this compliment and not make a huge deal about it.

Maybe I should take this person’s advice…

-beautifuldarkmystery

story of my life.

So I’ve been watching this show right? And I can’t help but draw so many parallels to what’s going on between the characters and what’s going on with me and the people in my own life. Freaky coincidence? Who knows…

Anyways, so after watching this show for about two weeks now, it’s got me thinking. I have no reason to doubt this because it could be totally true, but I’m wondering if “Tom” backed out on our relationship before it even started because he was afraid of losing the friendship. We all know that once you cross that line, it’s hard to go back to being friends. It’s the truth because once those feelings are there, they don’t completely go away. I’m not going to sit here and make a list of assumptions, but it’s definitely made me wonder if he really just doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.

However, I feel like at the same time, you’ll never know what could be if you don’t take the risk. I guess I’m not worth the risk, which I guess is both good and bad, right? I really do believe we’re better off as just friends. Things just get super awkward when they appear forced, but there will always be a part of me that hopes it’ll work out.

But every time my mind wanders in that direction, I suddenly remember who I’m dealing with here…Tom’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong. But he is emotionally unavailable. He claims he has no secrets and that he doesn’t hold back anything but I find that hard to believe because we all have secrets…some of us just have deeper and darker ones than others. I also made this point to him…I said that when I wrote him that letter that explained everything I had been through over the last couple of years, I regretted it at first because I felt he didn’t deserve to know. However, because of how everything went down and the way we practically ended things, I didn’t want to leave him without letting him know how much he meant to me…but that’s just me, I’m an emotional person, and I’m not afraid to show it. If I truly and deeply care about someone, I’ll let them know. Now, maybe that’s not him…he doesn’t strike me as the emotional and compassionate type no offense to him, but I also told him that I usually don’t open up people unless they do it first. It’s a universal fact…no one likes to feel vulnerable or show others that vulnerability.

I don’t know…it’ll just feel strange sometimes because I’ll tell him what’s wrong and then he kind of brushes it off like it’s no big deal. I’m sure he doesn’t mean for it to be that way, I just think he doesn’t know how to handle emotion…which is I guess the reason why we have never had a heart-to-heart conversation in person, which kind of sucks because for me personally, I like to feel that deeper, more intimate connection with someone I call my best friend.

At the same time, whenever I make a new friend, I try to lower my expectations and tell myself that they won’t be here forever. They’ll come, stay for a year or two, then leave…just like everyone else. It’s a sad way to think about it, but if I’m being real here, it’s very true. I’ve never been the one to keep friends. I’ll reach out and make the effort but at some point, you just have to know when to let go.

It’s kind of frustrating because I want more from him, but at the same time, that’s not in my control. I can’t change people and I can’t change their behavior. I just think it’s sad because as a human being, I think it’s important to allow yourself to feel different emotions. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of being human. I’m not saying he should go around crying and complaining…I guess I just appreciate people more when they’re vulnerable in front of me because A) it’s a hard thing to do and B) I know that they confide in me.

I don’t know, it’s just a thought. It was a little freaky because the main character likes these two girls and is conflicted with his feelings for both of them. At the same time, he’s keeping all these secrets from them, leaving the girls to constantly question their friendships with him. So many similarities, so relatable. Story of my life.

-beautifuldarkmystery

I may not act like I have feelings for you anymore, but I hope you know that deep down inside, they will never truly go away. I’ll always love and care about you as more than a friend, even if you don’t feel the same way about me. I wish I could just be upfront with you and say these words to your face. But what’s the point? I know you don’t see me that way anymore. In my perfect world, we’d be together by now. I can’t help but feel like I messed this up. You made an effort to try and treat me as more than a friend, but I freaked out. My insecurities got the best of me…and I’m sorry. I wish things would have worked out differently. We’re put in a weird situation because I can’t see myself in a relationship with anyone else right now, but at the same time, I know that this is what’s best for us…after we admitted out feelings for each other, it was as if, all of a sudden, there was this pressure to try and impress each other, to the point where we were just awkward. I know a relationship shouldn’t be forced, and I know that if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I just don’t want to get hurt twice by the same person. I know if you’re capable of breaking my heart once, when you weren’t even mine to begin with, I know you’re capable of doing it again. And I think that’s what scares me the most.

done with finals.

This semester couldn’t have ended any better. I went to school this morning and took my last “final.” All I had to do was turn in my final piece and complete a debriefing exercise. That ended up taking a grand total of 20 minutes. Best way to end finals week! It still hasn’t hit me that the school year is over. It seems like each one goes by faster.

Anyways, both “Tom” and I had finals today…same time too, and I wanted to see him so I stayed until noon. Sure enough, I was sitting outside near the parking garage and he came up to me and we hung out for a bit. He was dressed up because he had a presentation and he looked really good. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself because I know he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. And I hate to make this sound even cheesier but the way the light hit him made him look even more handsome. I am so bad at hiding my nerves. I was very fidget-y and I’m sure he picked up on it, but I just tried to relax and have a normal conversation with him…and we did. I tried to avoid eye contact with him because it’s still kind of hard for me to be honest…but it’s getting better. I’ve accepted that this is for the best…I may not agree with it and have to fight my feelings at times, but I’m really glad we ended this semester on a good note.

We’re going to hang out in a couple of weeks because I started watching his favorite show and I suggested we should have a marathon. He agreed to it and…I know what you’re thinking and no, that’s not what I’l trying to do. I just want to hang out…as friends. You see, I think when there was that added pressure of knowing that we liked each other, it was as things were tense because all we wanted to do was impress each other. However, now that we don’t necessarily have that pressure, I’m interested to see how we interact.

I’m nervous to ask my mom because she knows everything. She knows he hurt me, she’s seen me cry because of him…but I’m hoping that despite what I said or how he’s made me feel, she’ll give him a chance. A part of me wishes I’d keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I’ll talk to anyone who’ll listen. But now I’m going off on another tangent.

I’m really anxious to see how this goes, but I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. We’re just friends hanging out. That’s it. So there’s nothing to worry about…right?

He had to leave so we walked to our cars together. Before we parted, we hugged…they feel different now because of all the feelings that have been involved, but it was nice. I got in my car and he walked to his. I had to get something out of my backpack so I got out of my car and when I looked up for a brief second and he was sitting there, looking at me. Then I drove home, listening to music that made my life feel like a movie. Great last day.

-beautifuldarkmystery

a good “friend.”

You know I love my friends when I go out of my way to get involved with their interests. Yes, we’re talking about him in particular. Last night, I started watching his favorite show and honestly, now I’m hooked and I think that made him really happy when I told him. It would be awesome if he showed a little interest in some of the things I love to do, but I’m not going to force it on him. If he’s interested, he can let me know. But yeah, I plan on finished every season this summer.

To me, there’s nothing more beautiful than watching people talk about the things they love or are passionate about. I even told him it’s as if I’m talking to a different person now because this is his life. He loves comic books and super heros so it was as if the level of enthusiasm went up a few notches when I started talking about it. Haha. It was great though. I mean, I’m really trying, and despite things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, I’m at least showing him I’m a good friend by doing this. I just hope I don’t get hurt again by doing so…I need to keep my expectations low. I’d be a good girlfriend though, I’m just saying. Showing interest in his likes and passions. He’s making a huge mistake…

-beautifuldarkmystery

a little self-reflection.

So now that my school year is almost over, I figured it’d be appropriate for a little self-reflection. It might be boring, it might be interesting. I have to say that by far this year has been the craziest, both good and bad. Let’s start with the positives.

Fall Semester:
Fall semester was great. I wrote, directed, and produced my first short film. It wasn’t the best, but there’s a first for everything and the most important thing to do is to learn from your mistakes and move forward. With only a month to put the whole thing together, I must say we did a pretty good job. And for once, I didn’t have any irresponsible people in my group. Everyone was pretty much dependable and responsible and that’s all I could ask for. For our final, we screened all the final productions in the theater on a big screen…a little taste of what life could be like from now. It was pretty exciting. Although we didn’t win any awards, we were still winners in my eyes.

Fall semester was also when the guy I liked confessed his feelings for me. We were starting to grow closer and I got butterflies every time I was around him. This was the first time I got those feelings since my last relationship so for me, it was kind of a huge deal. Things like this don’t usually work out the way I want them to. It’s always either I like the guy and he doesn’t like me back or the other way around. :/ For the first time, I felt like things were beginning to fall into place and I might actually have a chance with this guy. But of course, things sort of fell apart next semester. But I’ll get into that later.

As for negatives, I don’t think I have anything. Honestly, all fall semester’s a blur to me now that it’s been a few months. I guess the only sad thing that happened was when the guy I liked said we should just be friends before we even went out on a date or even tried to be a relationship. I don’t know why he got cold feet all of a sudden considering he sure talked up a huge storm about having feelings for me over the year and a half we’ve known each other. Yeah, it sucked, but I wasn’t going to take it personally. In all honesty, it still felt a little weird, like we were trying too hard and some things felt forced and it shouldn’t feel like that. I was just excited to have a class with him again the following semester. During the fall semester, I didn’t see him at all until the very end when I made an effort to come to campus early and meet up with him during his break.

Spring Semester:
Spring semester was crazy! The semester started off kind of rough because I was in danger of being under-enrolled unit-wise. And for those of you who are in college and know how crazy it is during the first couple of weeks trying to get classes, you know how I felt. Once that settled, I got adjusted to my new schedule. I was happy to see “Tom” again on a weekly basis and I was really looking forward to this semester because of that.

Just as the semester started, I went to my major advisor because I wanted to find out how I could get involved in the film department ¬†on campus. He sent me to another professor, and I became her TA. Although that wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, being her TA was good work experience for me. It was crazy and overwhelming at times, but at the end of the day, I gained a mentor, someone who’s pledged to help me with whatever I need and write references if I need them. That’s more than I could have ever asked for.

A new semester means new friends and I continued meeting more film majors. One guy was in all four of my film classes, which has never happened to me before, but it was fun. We became pretty good friends. The beginning of the semester is always kind of awkward because you don’t know anyone in your class, but then I’m always sad when it’s over because some of the people I never thought I’d become friends with, I did, and it’s just sad when it’s all over. Maybe I’m just weid like that and I always get that bittersweet feeling when a semester is over.

I took a business of film class, which required us to volunteer at the film festival that occurs annually near our school. It was a LOT of work but totally worth it. I never thought that by working in merchandise I’d get as many opportunities to talk and interact with the filmmakers. But I did, and it was very inspiring and flipped a switch in me that made me want to start making more short films and getting my work out there. I definitely want to volunteer again next semester. I think it’s great that this class required us to volunteer because I don’t know that I’d necessarily do it on my own. I’m a very introverted person, as I’ve mentioned before, so doing this work definitely helped me step beyond my comfort zone and learn how to put myself out there. Overall, a rewarding experience.

And last but not least, I can’t forget about making the Dean’s List. It was one of my most proudest moments. Ever since I can remember, my dad’s always been the one who’s helped me with homework and projects. I’d like to think he’s half responsible for the grades I received. When I got to college, however, things changed. I stopped going to him for help and I made myself learn the material. I don’t know what it was, but something clicked and I wanted to do better. So when I found out I made the Dean’s List, I knew I did this on my own…that the grades I earned were all me, without my dad’s help. It’s like one of those moments…like when you first learn to ride your bike without the training wheels, or driving by yourself for the first time without your parents in the car…that kind of feeling. I attended the honors convocation and it was great. Sitting in the audience representing the College of Humanities & The Arts…Wow, it only makes me want to strive and do better in college.

Unfortunately, with the positives, there were also negatives. Let’s start with the most recent. I’ll never forget the day I saw someone die in front of my eyes. You see this stuff on TV all the time but you know it’s fake. A man jumped from the parking garage and killed himself. I’m glad I didn’t actually see it happen, but I still saw the aftermath. A limp, lifeless body in a pool of blood. I couldn’t believe what I saw and I think it forever changed the way I think about life. We say it all the time…life’s fragile, we’re only given one chance to live…but I don’t think you can truly understand what that means until or unless you experience something like this. For me it was a true shock because I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life and have never seen anything so graphic with my own two eyes. My heart goes out to that man and I hope he’s resting in peace. It breaks my heart that to him, this was the only solution. I’ll never forget that day as long as I live.

And then there’s the other negative, the one that left me with a broke heart. The night Tom basically told me he liked someone else was one of the worst nights of my life. I actually felt physically sick and it wasn’t until that night when I realize how hard I was beginning to fall for him. Unfortunately, things only got worse from there as I called him out on certain things, which resulted in us not speaking for a month. When we reconciled, I ended up forgiving him because it’s what I always do, but I let him know that I didn’t forget. Things are still a little tense, I feel because I actually thought this was going to go somewhere, but this was the semester we began to see each other’s true colors. I’m not sure I liked what I saw but I guess we’ll see what happens from here. It’s so hard for me to lower my expectations of him and as a result, I feel like I’m constantly disappointed. But this semester is over, which means fresh start this fall. We’ll see.

Overall, I can’t complain about this year. I’ve learned a lot, not just academically, but in terms of learning about myself, I’ve learned a lot too. There were definitely some bumps in the road but I made it and I’m ready for summer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

mending our friendship.

So today was my last day of classes and man, what a semester this was…so many things happened, both good and bad. He and I have gotten on better terms since March. I still feel like things are a little tense/weird between us but that’s natural. It’s what happens once you have feelings for each other and try to go back to being friends. Not so easy.

Anyways, so today I was sitting on a bench and I had my earbuds in so I couldn’t hear any outside noise. All of a sudden I see a pair of feet standing to my left and when I look up, it’s him. He leaned in to give me a hug. The class that we usually have at that time was cancelled so I didn’t think I was going to see him at all today. We talked for a brief minute or two because he had to go rehearse a scene with his group.

Later in the day, I was coming back from an errand for a professor and I saw him standing in the hallway so I went up to him and asked him what he was doing here. He said he’d just gotten out of class and was going to wait there in the hallway until his friend arrived so they could edit their project (for a different class).

Later that night when I got home, he started texting me and we talked for about three hours. He didn’t respond to my last text so I’m assuming he fell asleep on me. He had a pretty busy day today and so did I. I’m nodding off as I’m typing this post. Anyways, while we were texting, he mentioned that he was glad he got to see me today. Now, I need to understand that he’s just being nice…or at least I think he is. I don’t really know what his intentions are anymore or what he wants from me, but I made it very clear that I have my guard up this time.

Even though I know it’s probably best that we don’t be friends, I’m happy he’s still in my life…for some odd reason. Perhaps it could be because I still have feelings for him and there’s still a small part of me hoping that things will work out one day. I don’t know. Regardless, our friendship has been tested a lot this semester especially. I think true colors began to show and we booth saw completely different sides to each other. I don’t know what next semester holds, but all I can do is not expect anything and I won’t be disappointed.

Three more days left for me. Three projects separating me from summer vacation! So excited, I can’t wait.

-beautifuldarkmystery