and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i just need to do it.

Why is it so hard for me to talk to him? What’s holding me back? I know what it is. My own fears are holding me back. I guess, in my heart there’s an answer I want, but in my head, there’s the answer I’ll get. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m sitting here wondering how he feels about me, when really, all I have to do is ask him. But knowing that the answer is going to be one I don’t want to hear, it sucks. I’ve been talking to friends and they’re all telling me I need to have this conversation with him. I guess that means I should do something, right?

I can’t believe I’ve spent the last two years emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t even care about me as much as I care about him. Or maybe he does, he’s just not as great at expressing it as I am. See, there I go again. I guess, there have been some subtle hints that he may still slightly feel the same way. For instance, the time I drove into the city with two of my guy friends and he made a point of saying that he was jealous that they got to spend time with me. Then there was the time he was hanging out at his friend’s house and he kept saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted me to be there, like it was pretty insistent to the point where it didn’t even sound like him talking. Maybe it wasn’t. O.o Then there’s everything that happened this summer…all the hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, etc. All the late nights, staying up until 3 in the morning texting each other. What does all of THAT mean?

Even though the possibility of him rejecting me is greater than the chance of him feeling the same way, there’s ALWAYS that slim chance that things could go right. Obviously, I won’t know until I have the talk with him. Why do I like to complicate things? I know I’m only hurting myself by doing that…

I KNOW I need to have this conversation with him. I’ve waited and waited for him to say something, and I’ve finally come to a point where I don’t want to wait around, I CAN’T wait around forever. I need closure. Where that will put our friendship, I don’t know. As much as I don’t want this to have an effect on our friendship, I already know it will. I’ve had feelings for so long that it will absolutely crush me to see him with another girl. He’s been such an important part of my life over these last two years, I just wish he wanted this as much as I do. I always seem to be the one who wants it more, the one who invests more…and I am ALWAYS the one who gets hurt in the end. But I am NOT going to continue to sit here and play the victim card. I need to stand up for myself and I need to say something, and when I look at the bigger picture, the truth is, I would much rather say something now and get hurt, than not say anything at all and always wonder “what if.”

This has been the battle in the back of my mind…do I say something and risk our friendship changing, or do I not say anything at all and continue this self-destructive cycle? As much as I want to put others before myself, I need to do this for ME. I need to reevaluate my own level of happiness and whether I’m truly happy. Honestly, it might be best if I’m gone after next semester. It’s not that I don’t necessarily want to get away from him, but I think I need time to detach.

-beautifuldarkmystery

he got a little irritated with me.

So he got a little annoyed with me the other night because he said he can’t stand it when people choose to focus on the negative things. Understandable. However, I hate that the conversation became about what I need to change. I know that I’m not always an easy person to deal with. Yes, sometimes I do tend to dwell on the negatives instead of the positives, but I’m working on it. It doesn’t just happen over night. So now, whenever I’m around him, I’m conscious about what I say and how I say it, which sucks. But I mean, it IS something I could work on. No one wants to hang around a Negative Nancy all the time. I get it.

It’s also frustrating because I feel like he’s been a little meaner to me than usual, and I don’t know why that is. I mean, to him it’s probably nothing…but I analyze everything…body language, tone of voice, everything. As an introvert, that’s what I do. It’s unfortunate though because I’m still in that phase where I still like him, and I don’t want to do anything that’ll make him upset/annoyed. But at the same time, I realize that it can’t always be rainbows and butterflies. He told me he may get annoyed and irritated at times, but it doesn’t mean he’ll leave me. That was slightly reassuring I guess.

I feel like the further we go into this semester, the more my mind becomes a complete mess. I NEED to have this conversation with him., but my own fear is holding me back. I want to cry. In my head, I KNOW he doesn’t have those same feelings for me. In my heart, I want to believe that he still does and that this could work. Stupid feelings. I just want them to go away already. This is already painful enough WITHOUT the rejection.

-beautfuldarkmystery

i’m going to get hurt.

Now it’s only a matter of time. I feel like ever since we started school, “Tom’s” been pulling away from me. Perhaps he started hanging out with that other girl again. The conversations we have aren’t the ones we had over the summer. This sucks. I know I’m going to get hurt, I can feel it coming, and the worst part is that it’s too late. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. It’s inevitable.

He told me he wants to drive up next weekend but I don’t think that’s going to happen. This sucks…how is it that I’ve had feelings for someone for two years who doesn’t have those same feelings back? I can’t fight them. And the thing is…for a second there, I thought he felt the same. So why hold back? Why try to fight it?

This is dangerous. I don’t like being home alone…just me and my thoughts…in nothing but silence. That’s when the wheels start turning and I think and think and think and think.  I don’t know what to do…I think I need to have this talk with him, and better sooner than later.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i complicate things.

So I think it’s safe to say that regardless of whether we end up in a relationship or not, I’m going to get hurt, just because I’ve been emotionally invested in this non-existent relationship for nearly two years. He wants to come over next weekend…I’ve loved all the time we’ve spent together this summer. He’s really made an effort.

However, it also scares me how jealous I get sometimes. I don’t want to be, but I don’t know why I’m so insecure. Maybe it’s because there is a part of me that feels I’m being led on in a sense. I think it’s that part in me that wants to secure this relationship and make it official. I just don’t know what’s holding him back. I have an idea and it’s pretty much the universal reason why guys and girls don’t want to get into a relationship…they don’t want to ruin the friendship that they have. However, I feel like if there’s chemistry there and a deep connection, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and go for it. For all I know, it could turn out into something great, now that we’re more comfortable around each other. I realize the consequences that comes with dating him, but at this point, I’m willing to take that risk.

I need to talk to him and I need to do it soon. The long nights I spend thinking about what we could be are driving me absolutely insane. I don’t know why I choose to make life so complicated for myself when it doesn’t need to be. But I do fear that bringing this up will bring back that awkwardness and tension that took nearly two years to get over. I don’t even know what I’m doing…

– beautifuldarkmystery

i’m afraid.

I’m afraid that I’m digging myself a hole that I won’t be able to get out of. This summer has been amazing, mostly because “Tom” and I have grown super close. He says it’s all thanks to me because I picked up on some of his hobbies/interests, but honestly, he’s made more of an effort as well. This was the first summer in the two years we’ve known each other, that we’ve talked (texted) almost every night and actually hung out and saw each other over the 3-month break. The best part is that I FINALLY feel like I can be myself around him. For me (as well as a whole bunch of other people), when I like a guy, I am SUPER aware and conscious of how I behave. Being an introvert, I tend to think people are analyzing me more than they probably are so that results in me being super awkward and quiet. However, this summer was different. I wasn’t afraid of embarrassing myself or having my moments. He made fun of me of course, but it was all in good fun.

However, as we grew closer this summer, the more we acted like we were in a relationship. The time we spent together at the beach during the film, had me questioning if he still has feelings for me. I’ll never forget the one day we were just hanging around while everyone else was filming and he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. Do friends do that to each other? I don’t think so, but maybe they do.

The day he came over, a couple of days before school started, it was just the two of us at my house. We watched a movie and ate pizza, but then we started the tickling/wrestling matches. If this was us two years ago, we weren’t anywhere near that stage in our relationship. But there were times I caught myself staring at him and times I caught him staring at me. The way he pulled me off the couch so that I landed on top of him. The way he wrapped his arms around me so that my legs were draped over him and my head against his chest. The way he rested his head on my chest as we lay on the couch together. I don’t know…to me, these are things that friends don’t just do with each other, at least me and my friends.

The thing that worries me is that I’ve become so emotionally invested in this guy that at times I just want to straight up ask him what are we doing. I want answers. I want to know how he feels about me. At the same time, I don’t want to ruin the risk of having things go back the way they were, when we felt uncomfortable around each other. It’s like I think he wants the relationship, but he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship that we have and unfortunately, he can’t have both. But for me personally, I can’t separate my feelings from the friendship. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it makes sense to me. Like, I don’t know that I’d be able to be “just friends” with him. In my mind, it’s as if we’re already in a relationship, it’s just not “official.” I can tell you right now that if I were to see him being all cuddly with another girl on campus, it would break my heart. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I want to have this discussion with him, but I’m afraid that because of what happened before (the last time he told me how he felt, we eventually wound up in a fight which resulted in not speaking to each other for a month). This sucks.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do?