mixed signals, mixed feelings.

Sooooo I need some help. So as most of you know, I’ve been dealing with this guy, we call him “Tom,” for about a year and a half now. We both had feelings for each other but didn’t do anything about it. We both felt like we were ready for that type of relationship. Well, I was, but he wasn’t. I just don’t think he knows how to handle himself in these types of situations. Plus, we’re both very awkward people and it doesn’t take much to make each other feel awkward. it kind of sucks, I know, and I don’t know how to change that.

Anyways, here’s my dilemma. So “Tom” and I are working on a project together, so obviously, we’ll be spending a lot of time with each other. Yesterday was a good example. So a group of us headed to the beach where we’ll be working on this project and the whole time he was either joking around trying to push me over or shove me into the water or giving me hugs from behind. But I can’t believe he actually picked me up and started going towards the ocean. I told him to stop because I had my cameras and cell phone but he insisted on getting me wet. Jerk.

When we got back to our friend’s house (where everyone met up), I got out of my car to help them get their stuff out of the trunk and he got out of his car and walked over to the rest of us. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and just stands there, despite the fact that everyone was there. I don’t know. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something else going on. NOT getting my hopes up and to be honest, even if he did feel the same way, as much as I’d want this relationship to happen, I don’t think I can be in one with someone who doesn’t know what he wants. To me, you either want me or you don’t. But maybe that’s where we see things differently.

-beautifuldarkmystery

is it just me.

Or do you guys find it annoying when people “brush off” your interests like it’s nothing…I mean, I’m not saying they have to LIKE what you do, but I mean, a little conversation about it wouldn’t hurt. Once again, this shows me just how different “Tom” and I are. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was watching old marching band competitions (yeah, I was the band nerd in high school) and all he said was that’s cool. Then I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking at highlights from Comic-con. So I started asking questions…if there was anything good, how long it lasts, where is it held…even though I have NO idea about any of those things. And yeah, I told him he lost me for a second when he dropped his “nerd vernacular” on me. But still, he seemed to get a lot more excited once we started talking about something he’s interested in. Go figure. That’s how everyone is.

I can’t wait to meet the one person who will actually show an interest in my life. Again, not saying they have to like what I do or even know anything about it, but SHOWING that they want to know more…that would mean a lot to me. Maybe I just have really really really high expectations of certain people and I need to either lower them or “discipline my disappointment.” I don’t know, just a thought.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m conflicted, what else is new.

So “Tom” and I have been having some pretty good conversations lately. Nothing too deep or personal, it’s great. I feel like things are finally getting back on track between us. However, I am still thinking about the conversation we had last night.

We were talking about his hobbies and whatnot then he told me about how proud he was of me that I had “stuck” with this and actually gave it some thought as opposed to brushing it off like anyone else would. To make a long story short, I made a comment saying that it was like he was the proud dad or something because he’s very knowledgeable in his hobbies obviously and I felt like I was the little kid…and he replied, saying that I made it all weird by saying that. I took a step back at first because I mean, yeah, I guess it was a little weird, but I didn’t expect him to take it like he did. He said that he wouldn’t say that anymore if that’s how I felt and then I apologized, then after that, the conversation seemed a bit stiff.

I mean, here’s how I look at it. I felt comfortable enough, as a friend, to joke around with him like that and I told him that if he’s going to be friends with me, he has to learn to deal with the crazy stuff I say sometimes. A part of me feels like something else was going on. If he was just trying to be my friend, I don’t think that would have bothered him that much. Or maybe it’s just me…would you be weirded out if your friends said something like that to you? Would it be a huge deal? I don’t know.

I guess a part of me will always wonder if he does still have feelings for me…but he’s not going to say anything because of the huge fight we got into the last time this happened. He probably thinks he ruined his chances, which yeah, he sort of did, but I just wish that he would be honest and straightforward with me. Since the beginning, I’ve been nothing but sincere and honest with my feelings. If this were high school, I’d probably be doing anything and everything to make sure my crush didn’t find out I liked him. But this is different. Any opportunity I got, I made sure to let him know how much I care about him, how strong my feelings were, and all that.

I just think it was a little weird that he got THAT creeped out by one trivial little statement…and he once told me that there was no way I would ever creep/freak him out. Guess he was wrong. ­čśŤ Oh well, I’m not worried about it, but small things like that will always get my brain thinking. I can’t help it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i really want this to work.

After thinking about it for a while now, I’ve decided to try and be friends with him. It’s so easy for me to become so finite and definitive when it comes to things like this. For me, it’d be easier to just walk away and not have to deal with this anymore. But we had a very casual conversation last night. Nothing too serious. Just talked about school and the summer. I want to work on a short film and I had been debating on whether I should ask him if he wants to be involved. In the end, I ended up asking him and he said he’ll do whatever he needs me to do. I’m actually hoping this project will “save” our friendship. I think we need this. Film is something we’re both passionate about and I’m really excited to work on my second short film.

Deep in my heart, I really want to make this work…and I think that now that I’ve had time to let everything settle in, I’ve finally come to the realization that we’re never going to be in a relationship and those feelings will never be the same again. Of course, there will always be a part of me that has those feelings because they don’t just go away. However, I’m beginning to see that this is not the end of the world and that maybe this is for the best. I know I’ve said that over and over again, but this time, I really feel it. I really want this friendship to work and I know he does too. We texted for three hours last night, and his responses were quick. So we’ll see what happens. I hope I can handle this.

-beautifuldarkmystery

my dream last night.

It was so real that it could have happened in real life. I wish I could control my dreams…meaning that I wish I could tell myself what to dream about. The nights I want to dream about him, I dream about completely random things…when I least expect to dream about him…that’s when I dream about him.

So I don’t know where we were, but there were picnic tables and there were other students around. The classroom looked unfamiliar though. We were all sitting on the ground in a circle. I was sitting next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and from there, we started being affectionate with each other. We sat extremely close to each other, I held his hands, we didn’t stop hugging each other…and all of this happened, knowing that he was interested in someone else. It was like I won him back or something. THIS IS TORTURE. I know that’s never going to happen so I don’t even know why I had a dream like that.

On another note, things were a little tense between us during class today. We didn’t talk that much. However, when he got out of his next class, he stopped by the office of the professor I help on Mondays and Tuesdays, and we talked for like a minute. Then he moved toward me like he wasn’t sure if he should give me a hug or not and he did. So I mean, yeah, he’s trying, but I hate that things are so awkward between us now. I try to act normal around him, but he has NO IDEA….no idea how difficult it is for me.

You know, I really hope that one day he’ll know what this feels like. I hope he meets someone in his life that he truly loves and cares about…someone he’s afraid to lose…someone who doesn’t want him as much as he wants her. I really want him to know what this feels like. But until that happens, he’ll NEVER understand what it’s like for me. I haven’t cared so much about a person ever. I care so much that it hurts. Story of my life. I’m still waiting for the day I meet someone who’s afraid to lose me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m torn.

So tonight I had my honors convocation and I posted some pics from the night. Then he texts me and says, “Congrats on the award, my friend.” The last two words fried me….really? I HATE being friend-zoned like this. Like, my life might as well be a soap opera right now because this is just too much. Right then and there I wanted to send him a message over Facebook, but then decided not to. I figured, if I did, then I’d be doing it more out of impulse.

But I am torn right now, and here’s why. Yes, I am glad we’re speaking again and on somewhat good terms. But I’m not happy that things are different between us now…like the way he treats me, the way he talks to me…I miss the OLD us. So I’m torn between making myself happy and making him happy. A part of me wants to say what’s on my mind right now and let him know that this isn’t going to work…while another part of me wants to keep quiet. There are only a couple of weeks left in the semester. Then summer will be here, which means when we return in the fall, it’ll be a new semester and I won’t have to see him around campus…hopefully. And maybe we can just “drift” apart. He just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and at this point, I feel like trying to explain it to him will be like talking to a wall.

I mean, at this point, I really don’t think I should be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else. If I’m not happy in this friendship, then I have a right to remove myself from it. I honestly feel like the only way I’ll ever be able to move on from any of this is to stop talking to him, stop seeing him, etc. Every time I see him I’m reminded that things are different and that I’m no longer the one he likes or wants to be with, and that sucks! No one likes feeling that way.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m giving up on him, but sometimes, if you truly love someone, you have to let him/her go. When it comes down to happiness, I don’t care if it seems like I’m ┬ábeing selfish, I need to be happy again and my happiness comes first. And sometimes, I need to realize that there’s a difference between giving up and doing what’s best for me. I know I can’t change a person, so why am I still doing this, going through the same routine…

I really don’t know what to do, and this is where you guys come in. Some advice would be much appreciated. I mean, right now, I’m leaning more towards just keeping quiet until the end of the semester and slowly start to pull away as he fades out of my life. In a way, that’s not good for my happiness, because it means two weeks of being unhappy around him. But at the same time, I feel that by doing things this way, not only are we ending things on a non-confrontative note, but in this case, I believe silence is the best way to let him know he did something wrong. If he decides to randomly ask me what happened, then I can explain. But I won’t be aggressive about it, jut real and honest. I don’t know. What do you think?

-beautifuldarkmystery

the heart wants what it can’t have.

I’ve never really understood what that meant until this year…when I realized that the guy I was falling for, woke up one morning and felt differently. I haven’t even been in love yet, but with these experiences I’ve been having, I’m fearful more than ever about falling in love.

I want to talk to him this weekend but I feel like that’s going to be pretty much pointless. In the end, it’s going to be me who pours my heart out, only to run right into a brick wall. There are some days I wish I never met him because then I wouldn’t be feeling any of this. But at the same time, I can’t regret all of the good times we have. I want to replay those memories instead. But the mind has a way of finding the negatives, especially my mind.

With my ex, yeah I was hurt when we broke up and it took me what seemed like forever to get over, but with this guy…I feel differently…worse. I felt like we were so close and then he changed his mind. It sucks always being the one who cares more…who wants the friendship/relationship more. For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. For once, I want someone to show me he cares.

Despite what’s happened…despite how dysfunctional this friendship is, there’s still a part of me that wants to be with him. Is that wrong? I told myself I would never be the type to fall for the “wrong guy,” but I guess, once you’re actually in the moment and you’re experiencing it for yourself…some things change. There are certain things I will never sacrifice, like my morals and values. For me to be in any relationship with a guy, he has to be able to respect, or even better, share those values.

It’s late and I’m tired. I’m probably not even making sense anymore. So I think I’ll just stop here…

-beautifuldarkmystery