At this point, I’m ready to accept the fact that it is what it is. It took me long enough to realize that this will never work. I don’t know what I was thinking, but hey, life’s about making mistakes and learning from them, right? I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, but not in the way I’m used to thinking about him. I’ve been thinking about him from an outside perspective…I mean really taking a step back and analyzing our relationship.
I don’t know if I talked about this already or not, but I’ll briefly describe what’s been going on. So I hung out with him about a week ago and it was as if I saw a different side to him. He’s never been the one to be expressive with his feelings, let alone to me. Basically our friendship has been on the rocks for the last two years, ever since we confessed our feelings for each other. But this semester especially, I’ve been trying to distance myself from him because A) I felt like it’s what was best for me in order to move on, and B) he wasn’t exactly treating me the way I wanted to be treated.
I don’t know why he became mean to me all of a sudden. It was as if I wasn’t even a human being to him. I’ll admit, I can be a tad over sensitive at times, but in comparison to how the rest of our friendship has gone, this was like on a different level. Anyway, it’s sad because he spent this whole semester treating me like that, which resulted in me pushing myself away from him even more. And now that I’ve graduated college and about to move out of town, that’s when he decides to be nice to me. So essentially, while he could have spent what time he had left with me being nice and growing closer as friends, we were distanced…and now it’s “too late.” But I’ve learned to expect this type of behavior from him because that’s who he is. I don’t know if this is how all guys act and I’m not trying to generalize, but with the ones I’ve gotten super close to, this seems to always happen.
Yes, now, more than ever, will be a testament of our friendship. At this point, I’m having very mixed feelings about him. I know he wants to stay friends and he sees us living together in the future and working together, but I’m not entirely sure that that’s what I want. It’ll be interesting to see what happens, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation like this before. I mean it’s pretty trivial from an outsider’s pov, but I don’t know. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
But it’s like I said in my last post, he has a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back. How can I live with someone I still have feelings for? It’s not fair to either of us. For the most part, yes, I have moved on, but as long as he’s still a presence in my life, I can’t move forward. I don’t know what his intentions are…all I know is that actions speak louder than words…and his actions have said enough.