starting to feel like home.

I’m adjusting fairly well over here. I can’t believe it’s already been nearly a week. I moved all my stuff in and now this place really looks and feels like home. I’m still trying to learn the streets and trying to figure out where everything is, but that will all come with time and practice.

It’s been a little humid over here, which probably explains why I haven’t been feeling well. I’m not used to it so that’ll take some adjusting too. But overall, I really can’t complain. The real test of change will come after my mom leaves, because right now I still feel like I’m at home.

This summer is going to be a little different, but as I’m growing older, I need to learn to embrace change a little more. We’ll see how I thrive out here.

– beautifuldarkmystery

it is what it is.

At this point, I’m ready to accept the fact that it is what it is. It took me long enough to realize that this will never work. I don’t know what I was thinking, but hey, life’s about making mistakes and learning from them, right? I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, but not in the way I’m used to thinking about him. I’ve been thinking about him from an outside perspective…I mean really taking a step back and analyzing our relationship.

I don’t know if I talked about this already or not, but I’ll briefly describe what’s been going on. So I hung out with him about a week ago and it was as if I saw a different side to him. He’s never been the one to be expressive with his feelings, let alone to me. Basically our friendship has been on the rocks for the last two years, ever since we confessed our feelings for each other. But this semester especially, I’ve been trying to distance myself from him because A) I felt like it’s what was best for me in order to move on, and B) he wasn’t exactly treating me the way I wanted to be treated.

I don’t know why he became mean to me all of a sudden. It was as if I wasn’t even a human being to him. I’ll admit, I can be a tad over sensitive at times, but in comparison to how the rest of our friendship has gone, this was like on a different level. Anyway, it’s sad because he spent this whole semester treating me like that, which resulted in me pushing myself away from him even more. And now that I’ve graduated college and about to move out of town, that’s when he decides to be nice to me. So essentially, while he could have spent what time he had left with me being nice and growing closer as friends, we were distanced…and now it’s “too late.” But I’ve learned to expect this type of behavior from him because that’s who he is. I don’t know if this is how all guys act and I’m not trying to generalize, but with the ones I’ve gotten super close to, this seems to always happen.

Yes, now, more than ever, will be a testament of our friendship. At this point, I’m having very mixed feelings about him. I know he wants to stay friends and he sees us living together in the future and working together, but I’m not entirely sure that that’s what I want. It’ll be interesting to see what happens, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation like this before. I mean it’s pretty trivial from an outsider’s pov, but I don’t know. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

But it’s like I said in my last post, he has a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back. How can I live with someone I still have feelings for? It’s not fair to either of us. For the most part, yes, I have moved on, but as long as he’s still a presence in my life, I can’t move forward. I don’t know what his intentions are…all I know is that actions speak louder than words…and his actions have said enough.

– beautifuldarkmystery

just about ready, or am i.

My room is packed. It’s finally beginning to sink in. Although my move won’t be very far, it’s still a drastic change for me. At first, I didn’t really know how to feel about all of this…I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay where my friends are and where my network is. I wanted this summer to enjoy the fact I graduated college and be with the people who made it an unforgettable experience. However, now that I look at it, I NEED this. Whether I want to move or not, it’s time to spread my wings, make mistakes, and learn. I have to trust that my true friends will stay in touch with me and not completely forget about me once I leave. It’s just hard when I’ve said the same thing with my high school friends and I barely talk to them anymore. I want to believe that it’ll be different this time…that these people I’ve worked with and become friends with, I’ll be working with them after college. High school was tough because we were all going our separate ways. I want to believe it’ll be different this time. But I know that if I expect them to make the effort, I have to make the effort as well.

– beautifuldarkmystery