i love you.

He said those words to me last night. I couldn’t be happier right now, and to tell you the truth, it scares me how strong of a hold he has on me. The reality of the situation is that there are two possible outcomes…either we break up or get married. That’s the perspective I’m trying to have with this. It may have taken us a while to get to where we are now, but I’m finally beginning to see that this was for the better. Waiting was probably the best thing we could have done for this relationship. He tells me he still regrets that he didn’t realize this sooner, but both of us are happy with each other and I can’t describe the feelings I have when I’m with him. I’ve never been this happy with someone before and I had no idea someone could make me this happy.

He said something to me the other night that kind of stuck with me…he said, “I can’t believe someone so beautiful and smart and sweet and kind and loving and talented would ever fall for a nerd like me.” He may be a nerd, but he returns all of what he claims me to be. He respects me, he makes me feel safe, and he loves me. I’d rather have someone sensitive who understands my feelings than not. As long as I am a priority in his life, I will accept him for who he is.

And it’s not just with words, but actions as well. He holds my hand in public, he looks into my eyes and I feel what he’s feeling, he gives me kisses when no one is looking, he always makes sure I’m comfortable. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. It may have taken us a while to get here, but if this is what was waiting for me on the other side, then I’m glad I held on a little longer. And here I was ready to say goodbye as soon as I graduated college.

When he told me he loved me, I already knew I loved him too. The things I did for him I wouldn’t have done for anyone else, and that’s how I know. They may seem like little things, but to him it meant the world and that’s all that matters to me. He has my heart completely, I just hope he takes good care of it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m the happiest i’ve been in a while.

There are some days I wake up still feeling like I’m in a dream, but then I have to remind myself that this is all very real. He and I are dating and we’re in a relationship. There’s no one else I’d rather be with and he feels the same way. When I’m with him, I get feelings and emotions I’ve never felt before. He’s really stepping it up and trying to prove himself because he knows he’s hurt me and he knows he has to make up for it. He knows he’s lucky I gave him a third chance, because I think most people would have walked away by now. But when you have strong feelings for someone, you always have hope, there’s a small piece of you that hopes that one day it’ll all work out. Well, just as I was about to give up and force myself to move on, he catches me off guard.

Most people would tell me that people can’t change, that if it didn’t work out the first two times, it’s not going to work out this time. Well they don’t know what we have. They don’t know that this time IS different. I’ve never been in a relationship like this before. I can feel how much he wants me and how important I am to him. I feel it every time I look into his eyes, every time he kisses me or holds me.

I’ve had feelings for him for the last two and a half years, but my feelings are stronger now more than ever. No, he’s not perfect, and I don’t expect him to be. All I ask is that I am a priority to him, and that he shows me how he feels, not just says it. That night he verbally told me how he felt, it was one of the most attractive things. I know it took a lot for him to admit it because no one wants to show vulnerability, especially when there’s the possibility of rejection. But he took a chance and had no regrets about it. He makes me happy. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel like I’m the happiest girl in the world. I hope this lasts.

-beautifuldarkmystery

we made it official.

Last night, July 1, 2014, I said yes to being his girlfriend. Doing the whole long distance thing scares me and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, but the way I look at it is that it can’t be easy all the time. To me, this will be a real test of our relationship. We’ll see if he steps it up and makes it work, because I know I will. He’s lucky I’m giving him another chance. The way I see it is, yeah, he hurt me in the past, but this time feels different. He really is trying to prove himself and I can tell that he really wants it this time. Don’t let me down…

-beautifuldarkmystery

you don’t see me that way.

I wish you’d care about me as much as I care about you, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d show interest in some of the things I love, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look at me and smile like I look at you and smile, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look into my eyes and tell me how you really feel, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wrap your arms around me and tell me how much you love me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d come over to my house and cuddle with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d watch Disney movies and romantic comedies with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d hug me so tight you’d never want to let go, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d drive to my house late at night so we can watch the stars together, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d kiss me gently and smile as you pull away, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d put your jacket around me when it’s cold outside, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take my hand and place it in yours, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d burn a cd of all the songs that remind you of me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wipe my tears away when I’m sad, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take goofy “couple” pictures with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d say the words “I love you,” but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d play with my hair or move it away from my face as you look into my eyes, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take me somewhere we could be alone, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d pull me close and kiss me on the forehead, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me wear your favorite sweatshirt, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d tell everyone how lucky you are to have a girl like me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d call me beautiful and mean it, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d tell me you’d been in love with me this whole time, but you don’t see me that way.

-beautifuldarkmystery

There are a million more things I’d wish for, but there’s no point in continuing because you’ll never be mine. Though my heart aches, I need to accept that this is my reality. You can’t be all those things, you can’t do all those things because it’s not you. But despite the fact I KNOW I deserve better than you, my heart will never let go. Something always pulls me back to you. Just when I think it’s over between us, you say or do something that makes me think otherwise. I wish you could just be honest with me. You either like me or you don’t, which one will it be? I’ve been nothing but honest with you about my feelings. I just wish you’d do the same. But I get it, you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve like I do. But it kills me thinking of what we could be…

“somewhere, someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.”

It’s a simple quote, yet had a profound effect on me. Yes, it’s crazy to think about, but I wonder if this is true. Too often we find ourselves trying to fit into a certain mold because it’s what that person likes. I know you’re supposed to be yourself, but sometimes we can’t help it. We want to impress this guy or girl so much that we just get caught up in trying to make an impression.

I think it would be amazing to find someone who accepts me for who I am…my past, my flaws, my insecurities. Someone who genuinely wants to be there for me and show that he cares. Someone who will pick up the phone at 2AM and talk to me when I can’t sleep. Someone who will just listen and hold me when I’m having a bad day. I’m not saying he has to drop everything just to be there for me, but yeah, every once in a while, it would be nice. A simple reminder that he cares.

It’s crazy to think that there’s possibly a guy out there who wants everything I have to offer. Maybe I haven’t met him yet, maybe I have. Who knows? The future is a crazy thing to think about because of its uncertainty. But it’s because of the uncertainty that makes it sort of thrilling, don’t you think? For someone who is such a planner and likes to think ahead, the future is my worst enemy haha. But it’s just a thought I wanted to share. I’ve seen that quote a couple of times before, but it wasn’t until I read it this time that I actually thought about it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

materialism in relationships.

A relationship shouldn’t be based on materialistic object, but I’m not going to lie. I like a little materialism in relationships, but only a little. I don’t want to have expectations when it comes to this sort of thing in relationships.

I’m not all about gifts in a relationship. I believe there are other ways to show someone you love him/her or are thinking of him/her without buying something. But I don’t want to have to expect something on my birthday or for Christmas from my boyfriend. The thought would be nice, but I don’t want him to feel like he has to, just because I’m his girlfriend. Honestly, as long as I get to be with him on those days, that’s all that really matters. I think the best gift you could give on those special days/occasions is yourself…give your boyfriend/girlfriend all your attention. Be there in the moment, show that you wouldn’t rather be anywhere else. That will make anyone feel special.

I think it’s really sweet when a guy spontaneously give you flowers…and that’s the thing…spontaneously. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion. He’s doing it simply to show you that he’s thinking of you. Every time I see any guy with a bouquet of flowers, I melt on the inside. I think about the girl who’s going to receive them and I just think of how lucky she is. I’ve never had a guy gie me flowers (with the exception of my high school prom when my date asked me). But I just think it’s so cute, AND yet so simple.

I also love the idea of a guy giving a girl a promise ring to show that he’s committed and wants to be with her. But obviously you wouldn’t do something like this unless you two were in a serious and committed relationship. Otherwise, it could come off as a bit much. Personally, if that were me and I was in a committed relationship with a guy and he wanted to give me a promise ring, I think that’s one of the sweetest and most romantic things he could ever do. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Remember, no expectations with materialism.

A relationship should not be based on “buying” love, or at least that’s how I see it. Gifts can be seen as an easy way out, almost. Guys know that girls love this kind of stuff (I don’t know about the other way around), and it’s easy for a guy to do these things simply because he knows she’ll like it. You’ve got to be thoughtful about it or don’t do it at all. And don’t overdo it. Some of these things seem so old-fashioned, but some os us girls really love that kind of stuff. Even handwritten letters are cute, though very old school, but I’ll go into that in another post.

So I guess the point is, materialism is not a bad thing, but should be in moderation. We shouldn’t have to buy each other’s love with expensive jewelry or designer handbags. Let’s not forget about what it really means to connect with someone…through their heart, NOT their wallet.

-beautifuldarkmystery

How do you feel about materialism in relationships? Thoughts? Opinions?

guys confuse me.

Have you ever liked someone so much that it “drives you crazy?” I’ve briefly talked about the guy I like and I just want to say something. We’ve already talked about us being together and see it as a possibility…in the future, but as of right now we’re “just friends.” We’ve confessed our feelings for each other and know it’s mutual, but I can’t help but sometimes feel like it’s not. He tends to give mixed signals and I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid or if he doesn’t feel as strongly about me as I do for him.

Here’s what I can tell you from my point of view. I really like this guy. I think about him more than I probably should. He’s the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to bed. I’ve left him a couple of messages here and there hinting at my feelings for him…until we ended up confessing that we liked each other. I really want to be with him, but there’s always that uncertainty or doubt that fills my mind…that ultimate question: what if I like him more than he likes me?

I feel like because we communicate through non-verbal mediums (for now), there’s no emotion…at least on his behalf. I’ll sit and write out this thoughtful message and send it to him, only to get a one sentence response in return. He also says I can text him whenever I want, yet I feel like when I do, he doesn’t want to talk to me or we run out of things to say. It’s frustrating at times. Sometimes I feel like I’m the one trying to keep the conversation going. Then I think, if he really liked me, he would want to talk to me, right? So confusing.

Sometimes he’ll send me sweet text messages that make me believe he still likes me, but then when I try to reply back in a cute way, he stops or pulls back. I don’t really know how else to explain it. I also feel like lately, I’ve been the one initiating the conversation more. A part of me feels that if he really likes me, he would want to talk to me. But he’s told me he’s not very good with dating/relationships, so maybe this is all just a part of it. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say or do sometimes.

I’ll admit, it’s so easy for me to fall for words because every girl wants to be called beautiful and feel like they’re special in a guy’s eyes. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in some of the things he tells me that I kind of have to snap myself out of it and remember that I need to fall for actions. It’s so easy for anyone to say these things, but it’s another thing to show them. I’m not saying that he’s just saying these things because I want to hear them…I definitely believe there’s truth to them, but sometimes, I guess I’d like for him to show me that he means these things. But maybe that’s asking for too much since we aren’t in a relationship.

I guess the part that’s driving me crazy is that we both know we like each other, we’re just not dating. It’s just one of those situations that take time for something to develop…and if it’s meant to be, then it will happen. The last thing I want to do is try and force something that’s not there. That’s where I have to hold back a little bit and it’s frustrating. But at this point, I really don’t have that much control over it…only time will tell.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this? If so, what did YOU do?

important qualities in a relationship.

I know I’m not one to really speak on this, considering I haven’t been in many relationships. This is just my personal opinion and these qualities can vary from person to person. Here are qualities I value in a relationship. I call them the Three C’s.

1. Commitment. I know it’s a scary word, but we’re not looking to get married here. I mean, yeah, one day I hope to marry someone, but for the time being, commitment means that if a guy asks me to be his girlfriend, he’s going to stay loyal to me. One-night stands are not my thing. Part of committing yourself to someone means that you’re going to be honest with the other person. No one likes a liar and in my opinion, if you’re truly unhappy with the relationship, then get out. Don’t cheat. It’s not worth it in the end. Or at least, that’s how I see it. In my next relationship, I want to know that he truly wants me and a huge deciding factor in that is his willing to commit to one girl.

2. Communication. It’s something I’m working on and a relationship can work only if the two people can communicate. The problem I’m having is that I tend to like guys who can’t seem to verbally communicate their feelings and I mean really have a problem doing that. Both my ex and the guy I currently like can express themselves better through a screen, whether it’s AIM, e-mail, Facebook, or text message. My current crush has definitely told me that he’s way more comfortable talking about more personal topics/issues through text and I’ve told him that I’m trying to work on being able to express myself using my words because I can’t hide behind a screen forever. But I’ve realized that for now…I’m going to have to deal with it because if it’s his way of communicating, I’d rather have that than no line of communication at all. Perhaps as we become more comfortable around each other, he’ll slowly begin to open up to us when we hang out or spend time together. But communication is VERY important.

3. Chemistry. I know that sounds sort of stupid because it’s kind of obvious that there needs to be an attraction from both ends in order for the relationship to work. But here’s what I mean. In order for a relationship to work, both people need to feel wanted. Just because you can call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend, doesn’t mean you should stop doing whatever it took to get that person. I think they call it “the chase” in relationship terms. When you really like someone…that person is pretty much the only one you think about…the last person before you go to sleep and the first person you think about when you wake up. During “the chase” you do anything to impress your crush and anything else that will get you noticed. Don’t allow that to stop just because you guys are going out. That initial attraction needs to be there…it fuels the fire of the relationship.

Those are the most important ones in my opinion. If I think of more, I’ll add to this post later. Oh, and there’s one more thing to remember…be happy. If you’re unhappy in a relationship then something is very wrong because the whole point of this thing is being excited about sharing your life with another person…connecting with him/her on a more intimate level. I don’t know if my crush and I will pursue a relationship, but if we do, I’m going to remember these things and learn from my mistakes with my last one.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What qualities do you look for in your relationships? Which are most important to you?

holding hands.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve noticed this with pretty much every couple I see around school. The guy and girl will be holding hands, but very often, I see the guy’s hand almost just dangling, while the girl is holding on. Personally, I LOVE it when a guy holds hands back because to me that says, “I am so happy to be with you and I don’t want to let you go.” It’s very rare that I actually see the two people holding hands, but maybe I’m just weird for observing such a thing?

When my ex and I were going out, it took him a while before he was able to hold my hand without being scared and when he did, I was the happiest girl in the world. He wasn’t so hesitant after that time obviously and it was nice. If we were at a movie, he would sometimes massage my fingers as he held my hand. If we were walking or standing, he’d just reach for my hand and never let go.

There’s something about holding hands that just gets me and I don’t know what it is. Not only does it mean that he wants me, but I also feel a sense of security. I also love when it happens out of nowhere. For example, I was walking with my friend (again, we’ll call him Tom…and this is the same Tom from the other posts I mention him in). We were walking next to each other and I freed up the hand that was next to him on purpose because I hoped he would hold my hand. Sure enough, as we were walking, he gently grabs my hand and we look at each other and just smile. I hate to sound all cheesy and stuff but it just felt right…like his hand fit perfectly in mine. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Holding hands is also a sign of status…as we walked hand-in-hand across campus, people would know we were together because we were linked together. I’m usually not all into PDA and stuff like that, but I must admit, it was nice for a change. What was even cuter was about a week later, we were texting and he randomly brought up that night. He said he was just thinking about when he held my hand…how nervous he was before and how happy he was after. I just thought that was the cutest thing ever.

I love when a guy is not afraid to hold a girl’s hand in public. That’s a huge thing for me. If a guy asks me to be his girlfriend, I want him to be proud that I’m that girl…not feel embarrassed. I want him to do it because he wants to and that he’s happy we’re together. I’m not saying it has to be PDA to the max, but it means a lot for girls, especially me. But that’s just my personal opinion.

Even though it’s a pretty simple gesture, it’s still pretty powerful. For me, it will always be one of the little things I love. I think I love it because of its simplicity, but it still has meaning. I can’t wait for my next relationship because I want those butterflies again. Holding hands…a simple, nonverbal way of letting everyone know you two are together.

-beautifuldarkmystery

do i have a type?

Do I have a type? I’d like to think that in some ways, I do, but I am also somewhat open-minded. For one thing, my mom has always stressed the importance of dating someone the same race as me simply because it would be easier for us to understand each other…same morals, customs, etc. But she said she’ll be supportive with whatever guy I end up with, as long as he treats me well.

I’m Asian, but to be honest, I’ve never been attracted to Asian guys. Well, I guess my first boyfriend counts, but based on what most people classify as “Asian,” he doesn’t fall into that category. He’s Middle Eastern. The only guy I’ve liking that comes close to being Asian was a guy that I went to elementary, middle, and high school with and he was half Asian. To me, he’ll always be the one that got away, but that’s for another post.

The guy I currently like is of Spanish decent I believe, but I have never asked. I probably should. Anyways, as weird as it seems, I don’t think I’ll end up marrying an Asian person because I’m just not physically attracted to them. I guess this generation is more like that these days…there’s more interracial dating going on, which I think is awesome. We should be able to love whomever we want.

As far as my “type,” I tend to like the semi-awkward guys, which is weird because awkward is something you want to try and avoid. My first boyfriend was very smart…like book smart (always in AP and Honors classes), he played sports, was in band with me, and had been my friend since middle school. The guy I like now, however, is a little different…he gets by in school, not exactly straight A’s, but he still gets the grades he needs to pass so it’s not like he doesn’t try at all. He collects comic books, is obsessed with Star Wars and other superheroes like Superman, Batman, and all those other ones. He’s a self-proclaimed nerd and is proud of it. So what do these two have in common? For one, they were/are my friend…so they’re sensitive, thoughtful, caring, and passionate about something. For my ex-boyfriend it was sports and for this current guy, it embodies everything that a typical nerd likes.

So I guess to answer the question, no, I do not have a definite type. Each guy is different and each will have great qualities and not-so-great qualities about him. But because I’m more of an introverted person, I tend to like the calmer guys…the ones who aren’t out there and loud. As long as he treats me with respect and SHOWS me he cares, then that’s my type. Otherwise, there’s the door.

-beautifuldarkmystery

When it comes to dating, do you have a type, or do you play the field and just see what happens?