and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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i hate change.

I don’t know about you guys, but I hate change. I am trying to be more accepting and open to it, but it doesn’t mean I like it. I was just watching some old videos of me and my friends back when we were in high school, and I can’t help but notice how much times have changed. I’m talking about two people in particular. They’re brother and sister, and they were my best friends in high school. They were there for me when I really needed friends. Without them, high school would have been miserable. They’ve seen me laugh, cry, and everything in between.

Now we’re all in college and we’re going our separate ways…and naturally, we drifted apart. It happens. They’re both in relationships now, they have their own group of friends. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them or wonder how they’re doing. I’ve recently hung out with them both (on separate occasions) and I could tell that a lot has changed. I don’t know if they think I’m judging them by the choices they’re making (because I don’t believe in some of them, but haven’t been vocal about it…however, they know where I stand with certain issues)…or if it’s because so much time has passed and we don’t see or talk to each other every day like we did back then.

I just miss them sometimes. I’ve always been one of those people jealous of those who can say they’ve been friends with this person since they were in kindergarden or whatever. I wish I could have someone in my life like that. However, I guess having my sister as my best friend kind of compensates for that because she literally is my other half. We can tell each other anything and everything and I KNOW she’s not going anywhere.

I can’t really say I’ve made close friends in college yet, despite how many people I’ve met. I still haven’t met someone I can completely feel comfortable and be myself around. And I hope one day, I’ll meet that person. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s nice that I have my sister to talk to, but sometimes I wish I had someone else other than family that I could talk to…someone who could give me a fresh perspective on things.

I know part of that comes with me learning how to put myself out there. I need to become better at socializing because meeting people is half of it. And as difficult as it is for me, it’s something I need to know how to do and be able to do. It just comes a little easier to others, and for some, we have to work at it a little harder…and that’s okay.

Even though my friends and I have drifted apart, it doesn’t mean I despise them or hate them for not being friends with me anymore. I know that whenever I’m having a terrible day, I can look back on a memory we’ve shared together and then I smile. Sometimes God places people in our lives when we need them the most. Sometimes they’re only a part of one chapter in your life. Sorry to get all religious on you guys, I won’t go any further than that. But it’s my philosophy. I believe He puts people in my path when it’s appropriate. That’s why I feel “Tom” came into my life when he did. That’s why those two came into my life when they did. They were the ones who, bless their hearts, listened to me complain about my ex over and over again and still comforted me and gave me advice and guidance when I needed it.

Growing up is hard, and moving on is even harder, but it’s necessary. Nothing lasts forever and all good things must come to an end. Deep down inside, I am truly happy to see they’re doing well. I wish them nothing but happiness. But I hope, like me, they will never forget all of the wonderful times we’ve spent together, all the times we were there to lift each other’s spirits. I hope they will never forget any of that.

I hate change, but it’s something I’ll just have to get used to.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do you like change? Why or why not?

home is where the heart is.

For the last six years or so, my parents have been renting out the house that we used to live in. Recently (as in from August 2012 until now), my mom, dad, and I (mostly my dad), have been renovating the house because we plan on finally selling it. Our previous tenant was a flake and fell behind on her rent so my parents had no choice but to evict her. When I went back to that house for the first time since I moved out (which was when I was about seven years old), I was heartbroken. It was a disaster. It was beat-up, worn down, and an absolute mess. I was sad and angry at the same time.

Trying to look past the horrific condition of the house, I tried to focus on the house itself, what it meant to me. Suddenly, a wave of nostalgia fell over me and I began to delve back into my childhood days, remembering this house the way I remembered it. One of the first places I went to was the kitchen. I closed the door and saw the familiar pencil scratchings on the door frame. Yes, I remember these like it was yesterday. My dad recorded my height, as well as my sister’s during the time we lived in that house. I ran my fingers over the weathered frame, surprised that these markings were still clearly visible.

Next, I walked into the family room, which is right next to the kitchen. An empty room was there before me, but as I stared, the room came to life. Couches and furniture began to fade into appearance and before me was a long table with kids wearing birthday hats. At the end of the table was me, the birthday girl. It was arts and crafts time and we were all making angel ornaments (my birthday is close to Christmas). It was as if this scene came right out of a movie, as the protagonist gets nostalgic over the past.

I continued walking throughout the rest of the house. I visited the bathroom, I remembered when I lost my first tooth. I walked upstairs to the bonus room, where my sister and I would paint each other’s nails. Then I walked to my old bedroom. Yes, it was a lot smaller than I remember it, but then again, I was small too. That’s when it really hit me. My eyes began to water as this nostalgia became almost too overwhelming. The way the sun entered the room during the afternoon…it was exactly how I remembered it. Everything was so familiar, despite the amount of time that had passed since I was last in that room. It was simply an indescribable feeling.

Over the next couple of months, the three of us worked on that house, giving it a new makeover. My sister wasn’t there because she’s away at school and doesn’t live with us during the semester. My mom and I did most of the scrubbing and painting. My dad did the hard stuff like replacing the floors in the bathrooms and fixing the outside of the house.

The moment I realized we were going to sell the house, was when I arrived one day and went to the kitchen and looked behind the door only to see that white paint covered the frame and our height records were no longer there. Yeah, I’ll admit I was a little sad. To me, this house will ALWAYS be home to me.

What’s funny about that is…we lived in that house for about four or five years. We’ve lived in our current house for about thirteen years, yet when we all discussed it, NONE of us have an attachment to this house. We all still really love the old house. I think that’s because we had some of our fondest memories there…birthday parties, slumber parties, Christmases. EVERYTHING. The memories I can recollect are the ones I had in that house.

I’ll be sad when it’s finally time to put the house on the market. In a sense, it feels like a piece of me is being taken away. I never realized how attached I was to that house until I went there last year for the first time since we moved out. I didn’t expect to get as nostalgic as I did and I certainly didn’t expect for it to be as emotional. But they do say home is where the heart is, and now I know where my heart truly is.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember the house you grew up in? Are you still attached to it? What do you remember of it?

living straight-edge.

It’s a lifestyle. It’s a choice. It doesn’t mean I’m better than anyone else. This is the way I want to live my life. I’m not going to judge the people who don’t choose this lifestyle so they shouldn’t judge me for the one I choose.

What is the definition of straight-edge? In general, someone who’s straight-edge chooses not to engage in smoking, drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous activities. For some, straight-edge can be a little more extreme such as following a vegetarian or vegan diet or refraining from consuming caffeine or prescription drugs. For me it’s the former, so that’s what I’m referring to when I say “straight-edge” throughout the rest of this post.

For one thing, I care a lot about other people’s opinions of me. I realize that this is my life and I shouldn’t care about what they think of me, but for my whole life, I’ve been seen as the good girl…the one who follows the rules, never gets into trouble, and stays classy. I’d like to uphold that image not only for them but for me as well. Part of upholding this image also comes from the fact that I never want to dishonor or disappoint my parents. I want to prove to them that they’ve raised a good daughter who can make decisions for herself. I guess another part of it comes from being somewhat religious and I want to respect that. It’s just the way I choose to represent myself, not saying that it’s better than everyone else.

I think out of all my close friends I can think of, I’m the only one who’s never drank, smoked, or done drugs. Over the years, I think that this is part of the reason why most of those friendships ended. They all know I don’t do those things, so why would they ask me to hang out if that’s what they’re going to do?  Yeah, it sucks, but again…we all live our own lives and we all have to make these decisions for ourselves.

At times, it’s sucked being the only one in my group of friends who doesn’t engage in those activities. Yes, I HAVE felt isolated and felt that it would be much easier if I just conformed to their lifestyle. But every time I’ve felt that way, I stop myself and think that I shouldn’t conform to a certain lifestyle just to fit in. I want to stay honest with myself.

So for those of you who are like me, unfortunately, sometimes it will suck. People will call you boring or think you’re better than everyone else because you’re “pure,” but just remember that you get to choose the lifestyle you want, but don’t change it just to fit in with your friends. If you’re lucky enough to find a good group of people with the same lifestyle as you then hey, that’s awesome. It is what it is and I can’t be in control of everything. Life goes on.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Are you straight-edge? If so, how has this affected your friendships (if at all)?

my sister is my best friend.

Growing up, my mother always taught us that my sister and I will always be each other’s best friends. Today, that still holds very true. We both have had our fair share of bad friends, and through it all, we’ve constantly been there for each other. When my sister was brought home from the hospital, I must have been at least one year old. My dad has video footage of my reaction to getting a new baby sister. It was very apparent that I didn’t want one. Growing up I’ll admit I was a brat towards my sister. I’d rather just forget all those years completely because I was so mean to her sometimes.

It breaks my heart when I see siblings treating each other disrespectfully because that’s not how I was raised. In high school, my sister and I had these two friends. He was always mean to his younger sister and it just made me feel uncomfortable sometimes because I hated seeing that. However, over the last couple of years, I have seen them grow closer, probably because he’s been going through a lot in terms of figuring himself out, but it’s been nice to see.

But we fought like any pair of siblings, it wasn’t picture perfect. Things just never escalated or we never really had any huge fights. The older we got, the less fighting there was. In high school, we were attached at the hip. Normally siblings try to avoid each other at school, but we did everything together. We were in band so we pretty much always had a class together, we ate lunch together, had the same group of friends. We would always get complimented on how close we were.

Now we’re both in college and we go to different schools. It’s been tough trying to adjust to this new lifestyle, but no matter what, I know she’s always going to be there for me. I’ve noticed that the older we get, the closer we get, which I suppose is pretty normal. But I am glad my mom taught us to stick together because when everyone else walked out, my sister was the only one left standing. I will always be there for my sister no matter what. She’s told me things in confidence and vice versa. It’s always nice to have that one person to “vent” to when you feel like no one else will listen.

Plus, I get the feeling that we just get each other without even saying anything. It has to be because we’re related, but it’s quite amazing. We always seem to know what the other is thinking. No matter who comes into my life, no matter who I date…my sister will ALWAYS be my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without her. She has continued to love and support me like a sister should and I am super lucky to have her in my life. I hope she feels the same.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Do you have any siblings, and if so, are you guys close? Are you each other’s best friends?