what to do.

So last night we were texting as usual and everything was fine. It wasn’t until I steered the conversation in another direction that the mood changed. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve had feelings for this guy for the last three years. We’ve tried twice in the past to be more than friends but both times never worked. It wasn’t until recently that we got into a relationship, but it only lasted a couple of months…simply because I was moving away, he might be gone for a year and a half starting in January, and we hadn’t had enough time to establish anything to feel confident in being away from each other for so long. Anyway, ever since we broke up, we’ve been texting, I’ve used FaceTime once, I’ve called him, and things seem to be going well. We started talking to the point where we felt like we weren’t really broken up, just taking a break. Both of us haven’t been in many relationships so we don’t really know what we’re doing or how it’s supposed to work, but we’ve been trying to make it work for the both of us.

So last night we were texting and I told him I was watching The Amazing Spider-Man on TV. He thought I was teasing him so I sent him a picture of my TV screen. Before I go any further, let me just say that he is a nerd, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He loves his comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, Superman, Kingdom Hearts, you name it. He loves it all. Ever since I met him, I’ve KNOWN how much all of this means to him and how important they are and I know they will forever be a part of his life. So when I told him I was watching Spider-Man, he said he was surprised I was watching it without him having to “force” me to watch it. I told him he’s never forced me to do anything. I was trying to be open-minded to the things he liked because I love him and I know how important all of this is to him.

Then, he kept telling me how he’s attracted to nerds and how by me willingly watching it made me more attractive to him. Then I was honest with him. I told him, that when we started dating, and even before that, I thought it would be so much easier if he could find someone who shared these similar interests because I KNOW how passionate he is and I know how exciting it is when you find someone who likes the same things as you and you can talk and talk and the conversation will never go dull. Then he told me how he met these two girls this semester who fit that description, they’re nerds like him, but he said they’re not me. I told him he should be open-minded and explore his options because you never know. Then he said he’s been talking to this one girl in particular and she’s become a really good friend of his because, and these were his exact words, “she is the female equivalent to me.” My heat sank when I read those words and I got really jealous. I told him I know I have no right to be because we’re not in a relationship anymore, but I couldn’t help what I feel. He continued to insist that he loves me and that he wants me, but at that moment, I couldn’t see any of that.

Then he told me that aside from that, I am his ideal girl in every other way possible. So I asked him in what ways. In the past, he’s talked about how much he wants me physically and I know that he’s said he wants certain things with me BECAUSE it’s me, but sometimes I get the feeling there’s more of a physical attraction from him than an emotional one and I am an emotional person. I value an emotional connection with someone when I’m in a relationship. He listed his qualities and they were all emotional qualities, which made me feel a little better. But still, I was more focused on the fact that he’s been talking to and hanging out with this girl and I have NO right to feel jealous. We are NOT in a relationship and I feel horrible for having these feelings, but it’s so damn hard sometimes….especially after everything we’ve been through.

He was starting to get tired so we ended the conversation there. He went to bed, I lied in bed wide awake. I hate when this happens because then my mind starts going into overdrive and I start thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking. But automatically, I started thinking of the time he told me he was going to go out for drinks with “a new friend” but he didn’t because he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea….then I thought about the time he asked me whether or not I’d want to know if he found someone new, if I would want to know…then I thought about the time he told me that by seeing other people it will make us stronger….and all of these thoughts flooded my mind.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past, I’ve tried to be more open-minded to the things he likes. I watched one of the Star Wars movies with him, I played a little Kingdom Hearts, I even read my first comic book. No, not all of these appealed to me, but at least I TRIED and did these things because I LOVE him. He knows that and he says it means a lot to him. I guess I just wish he would have done the same for me. But he doesn’t think like that. I mean, even if he didn’t like it, I wish he would have at least tried like I did. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words.

So now I’m torn. I know he says he loves me and wants me, but from my perspective, I feel like I’m kind of in the way. To me, having similar interests in a relationship is a great thing…sometimes I feel like if we did, maybe our conversations wouldn’t be so dull. So now I don’t know if I should start to pull back a bit…because for the last couple of nights, we’ve been texting each other like we’re still in a relationship. It hurts, but I don’t want to hold him back. He keeps telling me he doesn’t see it like that because I’m the one he wants and that he loves me, but I don’t know.

And let me just say something. A couple of years ago, when we admitted to having feelings for each other and wanted to see where this would go, I was working a shift at a film festival (I’m pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts), and he texted me asking if I thought we’d ever end up together…because he’d been hanging out with someone and felt like he was “betraying” me. No, we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t exclusive, but I don’t think he knows that that ONE incident kind of scarred me. When feelings get involved, it makes things that much more difficult. My feelings for him were obviously stronger than the ones he had for me back then so of course, the one with the stronger feelings is ALWAYS going to get hurt more in the end. I still remember holding it together until the end of my shift, then rushing back to my car and just sitting there and crying. I vividly remember that day, though I try to block it from my memory. All I’m saying is that I KNOW I’m having these feelings for a reason. It’s not just straight up jealousy. It’s more of a fear…because something similar to this has happened before.

Unfortunately, though, when something like that happens, I focus more on the negatives instead of the positives, which I know I have to work on. So I want to try and focus on the positives for a minute. He and I have grown super close, especially over the last five months or so. He’s opened up to me in ways he never has to anyone before. He feels like he can talk to me about anything and everything. I SAW how much he was hurting after I broke up with him. Thinking about that still rips me to shreds. I KNOW this guy loves me with all of his heart…and that should be enough. I’ve never felt such a tight bond and closeness to another human being before. We both have a strong feeling that this is not the end of our story…that there’s a place for us in the future, those were his exact words.

I guess I’m having these feelings because he’s always been good with words, but when it comes to SHOWING me that he loves me, that hasn’t been so high. He’s told me he’s not good with relationships and he doesn’t know what to do sometimes….so sometimes I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and claim ignorance. But still. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning how he feels about me. For some people, that’s enough…but I think I’m the type of person who wants to be SHOWN. I’m not a materialistic person, but if a guy buys me flowers, or even writes me a letter, or ANYTHING, it reaffirms that love. It’s not so much the materialistic part as much as it is about the THOUGHT behind it. I’m sure there are other girls out there who feel the same way. But that’s just not who he is. When I had my going away party, some of my friends got me gifts and at the end of the night he apologized for not getting me anything. I told him not to worry about it, but in my mind, I thought, even if it was just a card, that would have meant the world to me. It didn’t even have to have anything in it. But that’s just not who he is, and if I want to be in a relationship with him, I really have to take those things into consideration and really think about if this is what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I love this guy with all of my heart. We’ve both expressed to each other how strong of a hold we have on each other…and we both said to each other yesterday morning that we will always be each other’s first true loves.

There’s a part of me that truly believes that what he’s saying is how he really feels and that he is in love with me and there is no one else. But sometimes, me being the person I am, I overlook all of those things and focus on the one thing that should be kind of trivial. Yes, it’s nice to be with someone who shares similar interests with you, but that’s not what the entire relationship is about. Being in a relationship is about being with someone who makes you feel things you’ve never felt before…being with someone who makes you happy, being with someone who can’t stand to be apart from, someone you can be yourself around, someone you can laugh and cry with.

I’m going to see him in about three weeks so we’ll see how that goes. He also plans on visiting me in a couple of months, so that’ll be interesting. I guess, if I’ve realized anything after typing out my thoughts, it’s that I can’t focus on the future, I can’t worry about it because it hasn’t happened yet. However, there are things I need to start seriously considering if I want to continue a relationship with him. Can I live with the fact he doesn’t do the small gestures to show me he loves me? Can I live with the fact that he’s not great with relationships? Can I live with the fact that he doesn’t know how to deal with me or my emotions sometimes? Can I trust him and know that what he feels for me is true? Am I willing to accept all of these to be in a relationship with him? I am so torn because I am in love with him, but I don’t know if I would necessarily be happy. It’s about how much I’d be willing to give up to be with him…I don’t know.

-beautifuldarkmystery

with him, things always end before they even begin.

Yup, so it’s going to take me a while to get used to this…not talking to him every night, trying to see him in a different light. This sucks, I should’ve known this was coming. It was only a matter of time. It also sucks that this is how I have to spend my last year of college. For me, the best way I can get over this is if I don’t see or speak to him (unless I have to). We didn’t talk all weekend, then Sunday night we did and we sort of cleared the air. I’m still hurt and disappointed, but it is what it is and I’m actually glad that this happened now instead of later. I just hate that I’ve been lead on this whole time. He keeps making excuses for himself, saying he did’t want to lose me and didn’t want to ruin the friendship, etc. I’m done. Two times is enough. I hate that I’m so stubborn sometimes.

– beautifuldarkmystery

strike two, how many more will it take.

Well apparently he feels indifferent. I don’t understand how he can show ALL the signs he’s interested, yet he says he’s unsure about his feelings towards me. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand how his thought process works. This is the second time he’s broken my heart, I think that’s more than enough. I need to learn my lesson now.

The sucky part is that he’s unaffected by this, while I cried my eyes out a couple nights ago. At least I’ve had the weekend to process it and prepare myself for when I have to see him at school, because it’s going to be different now. Why do I keep allowing him to keep doing this to me? I deserve better and I don’t know why I continue to settle for less…

– beautifuldarkmystery

today was perfect.

A group of us hung out at the beach today. He was there and I was so happy to see him. I feel like the more I see him, the more I find myself falling harder. One of my friends became suspicious and asked me if we’re going out. I said no and he looked shocked. I guess he could tell by the way we were interacting with each other that there was something going on.

Basically he kept trying to find ways to hug me. If he made a jab at me or said some snappy remark, he quickly returned it with a laugh and a hug. He gave me back rubs/massages while we were sitting down. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. We tried tickling each other, but he kept grabbing my hands so I couldn’t get him. He basically shoved me in the ocean, but in a playful way. It was absolutely perfect.  At one point, we weren’t really doing anything so we walked back to where all our stuff was so that we could “watch it” and make sure no one stole anything. It was just the two of us and we talked and joked around. I kept giving him crap for sticking me in the ocean. Then all of a sudden he pulls me onto his lap and puts his arms around my waist and I wrap one of my arms around his neck. We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. I sat there for a minute and just held on to him as he rested his head on my chest. We couldn’t get any closer than we were. It felt right. I don’t know how else to describe it. How is it that we can be so affectionate with each other but we’re nothing more than just friends? I don’t understand. Makes me wonder if he still does have feelings for me. The last thing I want to find out is that I’m being played. I know that people who are “just friends” don’t treat each other like that. I’d like to think he doesn’t treat all his friends who are girls like this. I’d like to think I’m just a little more special than the others. But I’ll never know…

I wish we could spend one day at the beach together. Just the two of us, alone with no one around, because that moment when I was sitting on his lap and both had our arms around each other looking out into the ocean, it was like we were the only people there. I wish that could have lasted forever.

-beautifuldarkmystery

don’t know if i can do this.

I’m sitting here in the hopes that you’ll ask me where I’m at and come hang out with me, but then I remembered that things are different now and you won’t want to spend as much time with me anymore. It kills me to think that you’re probably hanging out with her, but it is what it is. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do this. I don’t know that I’d be able to look at you and see you as just a friend, even if it’s easy for you. I think I should slowly begin to pull myself away and hope that you don’t notice…

I thought I’d be happy to have him back in my life, but the truth is, I don’t want to be friend-zoned. trying to look at him in a different light is like wanting it to rain on a sunny day. It’s not going to happen. I’ve told him how strong my feelings are and how much I like him, but I just don’t think he understands how I really feel and the sad part is…I don’t think he ever will because he’s that clueless.

-beautifuldarkmystery

heartbreak.

So I was working my shift last night and I got a text from him that basically said he’s interested in someone else and he wanted to know if we’ll ever be together because he feels like he’s betraying me by hanging out with this new person. I was so mad and I felt like it was a huge slap in the face…not so much for the fact that it happened (although that still hurt), but it was more about the way he said it. He knew last week was terrible for me, so I would have liked if he actually took my thoughts into consideration and found a better way to say it. Then, because I’m mad at him I tell him it’s fine and don’t worry about it and all he can say in response is, thank you for understanding. Really?

I’ve never had my heart broken by someone I never even went out with. I don’t even know what we were doing anyway to be honest. I feel like every time I start to develop feelings for a guy, something goes wrong. I’m not trying to be a pessimist here, but it’s sort of the truth. Of course, my immediate thought was, okay, now I’m beginning to have doubts about how you felt about me. This whole thing is my own fault. I always had a gut feeling that this would happen, I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to happen this soon. The sad thing is….I always knew he could find someone better, but I don’t even know why I torture myself. Why do I invest so many feelings into someone that can so easily dispose me? Someone tell me, how does that work?

The truth sucks sometimes. As hard as I try to not let this bother me, because this is something rather trivial, feelings were involved so that makes things ten times worse. We’re talking about a year and a half of feelings. I guess in the end mine were stronger than his. I was willing to wait for him to come around and feel comfortable enough to be in a relationship with me, but I guess that’s not going to happen now.

I forgot what this all feels like. The last time I felt like this was when my ex and I broke up. And now, when I’ve finally gotten off the ground and dusted myself off, I’m pushed down again. That was a real low blow. I mean, I’m glad he was honest with me and told me rather than have me look like a total idiot, confessing my feelings for him. But right now, I need to separate myself from him. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to see him. I need to detach myself and for me, this is the only way I can do that. It doesn’t mean we’ll stop being friends, but because I am extremely hurt at the moment and because I was dealing with other issues last week, this is what I can handle at the moment.

For a while, I forgot what it was like to try and put on a brave face when you’re upset. Not only was I doing my volunteer work, I’m in hospitality, so for the rest of my shift, I had to put my own feelings aside and smile like nothing was wrong. As soon as I got to my car, I began to break. I told myself, you’re better than this, don’t cry, he’s not worth your tears. But I was so frustrated. I don’t know how else to put it besides feeling like I was stabbed right in the heart. I guess what makes this all frustrating is that for the last four months or so, we’ve known we liked each other, but because we weren’t ready for a relationship yet, nothing happened. Every time I tried to fight the urge to tell him something “relationship-like,” I had to stop myself because I knew that by doing so, I would only get hurt in the end. But he would always say to me, “You can tell me whatever you want whenever you want, I don’t mind.” Why would I put myself out there if I know I’m going to be rejected? Why would I subject myself to that pain?

I don’t know if I mentioned this already because it’s nearly 3 in the morning and I’ve gotten four hours of sleep (I went right to bed when I came home from working my shift). But anyways, I sent him a message over Facebook last night and I re-read it over and over again before I sent it to make sure it sounded rational because I didn’t want to let my feelings get the best of me, as pissed as I am at him right now. Before typing this post, I logged on to see if he had written back to me and sure enough there’s a message waiting for me, but I’m scared to open it. After what happened last night, I’m already broken. I want to know what he said, but I don’t want this to ruin my day. I have to work my last shift today and if I don’t like what he has to say, it’s going to put me in a bad mood. Because I’ve had time to let what happened last night settle in, I think I’ll wait until I get home (but then I’ll be anxious the rest of the day). Man, this kid drives me crazy. How is it that I like him so freaking much?

They say that if you wait too long the perfect opportunity will pass you by and I’m afraid that’s exactly what happened. I’m afraid I waited too long and now he’s moved on. This is no longer out of my control because I can’t change the way he feels. If this is the truth, I need to deal with it and try to move past this whole thing. I just wish that for once I can like a guy and have things go right. That would be nice.

-beautifuldarkmystery

thoughts for the day.

So I’m sitting in the library right now…I have a 6 hour break, three hours are down, three more to go. It sucks when you don’t get priority registration or the classes you need are only offered at certain times. Anyways, that’s not why I wanted to write this post. I figured, since I have the time, I can do a little self reflection.

So basically, as far as my crush goes…I’ve actually kind of settled down for the time being. Over winter break I was obsessing over not seeing him and as crazy as it seems, 5 weeks DID make me crazy. I missed him so much and I know that if we really wanted to, we could have gotten together over break. I brought it up a couple of times but no one made the effort. I just feel bad because we live about two hours apart from each other and I don’t want to make him drive all the way to where I live just to see me. Then again, if he really likes me, he would do it anyway, right? Ugh, I suck at this sometimes.

Anyways, like I was saying…I saw him this morning in our class and we didn’t really talk all that much. It sucks because on Mondays he doesn’t have any breaks and so I only see him for that hour and 15 minutes and then we go our separate ways. But it’s weird…I feel so hot and cold with him. Like…one day I’ll really think about him and picture how things would be if we were in a relationship. Then there are other days where I just don’t see anything happening. I don’t know if it’s from a lack of “experience” in the dating world or what. But it sure gets a little confusing sometimes.

I think I’m just going to leave it alone for now…or at least until I can work up the courage and just say how I feel. THAT would be a HUGE step for me in terms of anything really. But until then, why worry about it…

I feel so paranoid typing this up in the library because I’m afraid someone’s going to just look over my shoulder and read everything. *dies* (not really). So yeah, that’s pretty much where I’m at now. Hopefully I’ll be able to get more in-depth posts but for now, I’ll keep it short and sweet. Hope everyone’s having a great Monday!

-beautifuldarkmystery