just about ready, or am i.

My room is packed. It’s finally beginning to sink in. Although my move won’t be very far, it’s still a drastic change for me. At first, I didn’t really know how to feel about all of this…I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay where my friends are and where my network is. I wanted this summer to enjoy the fact I graduated college and be with the people who made it an unforgettable experience. However, now that I look at it, I NEED this. Whether I want to move or not, it’s time to spread my wings, make mistakes, and learn. I have to trust that my true friends will stay in touch with me and not completely forget about me once I leave. It’s just hard when I’ve said the same thing with my high school friends and I barely talk to them anymore. I want to believe that it’ll be different this time…that these people I’ve worked with and become friends with, I’ll be working with them after college. High school was tough because we were all going our separate ways. I want to believe it’ll be different this time. But I know that if I expect them to make the effort, I have to make the effort as well.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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can’t focus.

I don’t know know why, but I feel like I can’t focus at the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m coming off of an intense 4-day shoot. Maybe it has to do with other personal factors. Maybe it’s because I’m graduating college in less than a month. I have no clue. I should be doing my homework that I procrastinated on due to this production, but maybe I just need to chill out for a second a write about it.

I couldn’t be any more thankful for this opportunity I’ve been given this weekend to be a part of this production. Not only did I learn a lot, I also got to work with the people I started this journey with. I’m sad that my time here is almost coming to an end, but I’ll never forget the memories made with these people.

On the other hand, it was a little heartbreaking working with him…my friend I mean. It’s so sad to see two people who were once so close become so distant. It was hard being with him on set because I felt like he didn’t respect me at all…to the point, where I tried to keep myself occupied with other people and not speak to him. But I mean, that’s how life is sometimes and you just have to go with it. I only have a month left until I never have to see him again.

But I’m not going to focus on that. I’m really excited (and nervous) about graduating. I can’t believe it’s less than a month away. Time flies so I have to enjoy it while I can…because after that, everything is going to change.

– beautifuldarkmystery

done with finals.

This semester couldn’t have ended any better. I went to school this morning and took my last “final.” All I had to do was turn in my final piece and complete a debriefing exercise. That ended up taking a grand total of 20 minutes. Best way to end finals week! It still hasn’t hit me that the school year is over. It seems like each one goes by faster.

Anyways, both “Tom” and I had finals today…same time too, and I wanted to see him so I stayed until noon. Sure enough, I was sitting outside near the parking garage and he came up to me and we hung out for a bit. He was dressed up because he had a presentation and he looked really good. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself because I know he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. And I hate to make this sound even cheesier but the way the light hit him made him look even more handsome. I am so bad at hiding my nerves. I was very fidget-y and I’m sure he picked up on it, but I just tried to relax and have a normal conversation with him…and we did. I tried to avoid eye contact with him because it’s still kind of hard for me to be honest…but it’s getting better. I’ve accepted that this is for the best…I may not agree with it and have to fight my feelings at times, but I’m really glad we ended this semester on a good note.

We’re going to hang out in a couple of weeks because I started watching his favorite show and I suggested we should have a marathon. He agreed to it and…I know what you’re thinking and no, that’s not what I’l trying to do. I just want to hang out…as friends. You see, I think when there was that added pressure of knowing that we liked each other, it was as things were tense because all we wanted to do was impress each other. However, now that we don’t necessarily have that pressure, I’m interested to see how we interact.

I’m nervous to ask my mom because she knows everything. She knows he hurt me, she’s seen me cry because of him…but I’m hoping that despite what I said or how he’s made me feel, she’ll give him a chance. A part of me wishes I’d keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I’ll talk to anyone who’ll listen. But now I’m going off on another tangent.

I’m really anxious to see how this goes, but I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. We’re just friends hanging out. That’s it. So there’s nothing to worry about…right?

He had to leave so we walked to our cars together. Before we parted, we hugged…they feel different now because of all the feelings that have been involved, but it was nice. I got in my car and he walked to his. I had to get something out of my backpack so I got out of my car and when I looked up for a brief second and he was sitting there, looking at me. Then I drove home, listening to music that made my life feel like a movie. Great last day.

-beautifuldarkmystery

what does it mean?

So today was the first day of the semester and I had a really weird thing happen to me. I was really anxious to see “Tom” because I hadn’t seen him in a month. I was sitting in the library trying to kill time and all of a sudden my stomach started feeling weird…almost like it was doing flips. It was almost nauseating. I felt sick. I don’t know if it was because I was excited/nervous…but I’ve never had that happen to me before. I’ve never felt like THAT nervous/anxious about seeing someone ever. Even as I was walking down the library steps, I felt my knees shake a little and I could barely walk down the steps. I thought, what the heck is happening to me? Why did this happen? Is my body trying to tell me something? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

-beautifuldarkmystery

Has a guy/girl ever made you feel like this? What was that experience like for you?