thanksgiving 2012.

Sometimes, I wish certain memories weren’t attached to certain days…especially holidays. I hate to keep bringing up the past, but this is what happens every single year around this time. Thanksgiving Day 2012 was the day he admitted his feelings for me. This was just the beginning to what would later be a roller coaster of a relationship. But at the time, I had no idea. I was just happy over the simple fact that for the first time in ages, the guy I had a crush on actually liked me back.

I often wonder how different things would be today if we actually made it…but when I start to have those thoughts, I have to stop myself because our story ended differently. It’s always tough to see the one you love move on, but it took my a couple of years to come to terms with the situation and realize that if things were meant to work out, I wouldn’t be sitting here fantasizing over the alternate ending.

He always tells me the week he spent with me in summer 2014 changed everything for him, but for me, it was that Thanksgiving night. It was the first time I started to see that wall come down and he started opening up to me. It was the first time I actually felt like I had a chance and that this was going to turn into something great.

Unfortunately, every Thanksgiving, the memories come flooding back and the saddest part is that he probably doesn’t even remember this. But because it was so special to me, I made sure I was never going to forget that night.

So instead of focusing on being sad that things didn’t work out (I think there will always be a part of me that feels this way because he was the first person I ever loved), I am choosing to focus on the other side of the coin. I am thankful that that night happened because if he never told me how he felt, I’m not sure that I ever would have told him because I’m too chicken. That relationship taught me more about myself than anything I had ever experienced. Even though it was painful and I was truly devastated and heartbroken when things ended, I grew stronger and wiser.

I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss him, but I’m glad I can finally feel at peace with everything. We were never meant to last forever. We were no good for each other and I think we both realized that. And the fact that we can still be a part of each other’s lives without feelings of resentment towards each other is a great thing. I couldn’t be any more grateful for the way things turned out between us because I know it could have been a lot worse.

I’m happy I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my family. The quality time is always nice and I look forward to creating new memories in the company of those I love the most. Happy Thanksgiving!

beautifuldarkmystery

jealousy is an ugly trait.

An old friend recently shared a huge accomplishment on social media, and naturally, my first feeling was jealousy. But then I had to stop myself. Jealousy is truly a wasted emotion. It doesn’t help me get anywhere faster. It doesn’t help me achieve anything positive. It’s a waste of time and energy. And so I felt my mood shift and I was actually happy for him. I know he had to work really hard to achieve this milestone in his job, so good for him!

I think my bitterness comes from the fact that this person used to look up to me, or so he claimed. He always admired my strong work ethic and my dedication to my studies. He was the complete opposite…slacked off in school, didn’t really study, didn’t really care about grades. But a couple of years into our friendship, he told me that seeing how hard I worked made him want to be a better person. I was always humbled but always believed in him, no matter how different his work ethic was from mine. My point is that, here I am, with this strong and diligent work ethic, yet, I feel as though I’m still stuck in the same place. Meanwhile, others are seemingly moving lightyears ahead of me.

But one thing that I often have to remind myself is that the more committed you are and the more hard work you put in, the bigger and better the result (well, in most cases). What I failed to forget is that my friend started at the lowest job possible with this company. He stuck with that role for a whole year and then transferred to a higher position. Pay your dues and then you move up. It’s that simple.

The moral of the story here is to be happy for your friends and their success. There’s already so much negativity in the world already that we need to spread a little positivity for a change. I know this all sounds like common sense, but it took me a long time to learn. Jealousy is a difficult habit to break because you can’t help how you feel.

So I just want to take a moment and say how proud I am of my friend because when we were in college, he would always say he’s not smart or he would act like he didn’t care about school. But he’s shown me that he’s a hard worker and when he wants something, he’ll commit. I truly am happy for him and I hope there are many more great things in store for him.

beautifuldarkmystery