i miss him.

I guess this is all part of the vicious cycle of trying to get over someone. I woke up this morning and started having all these flashbacks of him…all good ones. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to move on, but your mind keeps wandering back to those familiar places. I’ve been so tempted to text him lately, but I know that’s not what’s best for me at the moment. I’m trying to limit my contact with him.

It’s unfortunate that this is how things have to be, but I mean, it was inevitable. How distant he was on my birthday was somewhat of a reality check. THIS is our reality now. It’s so frustrating when you think someone wants the relationship, but in the end, he backs out because he’s “too afraid of ruining the friendship.” Is that really the case though?

I’ve had plenty of input on this situation, some from my guy friends (you wouldn’t believe how much that helps sometimes). At the end of the day, I am only in control of my own feelings. I don’t know what he’s really thinking or what he really wants. And as much as I miss him, I can’t go running back to him the minute I feel this way. I need to have more power and control. I want HIM to feel like he’s the one who’s going to regret this. Not the other way around.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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with him, things always end before they even begin.

Yup, so it’s going to take me a while to get used to this…not talking to him every night, trying to see him in a different light. This sucks, I should’ve known this was coming. It was only a matter of time. It also sucks that this is how I have to spend my last year of college. For me, the best way I can get over this is if I don’t see or speak to him (unless I have to). We didn’t talk all weekend, then Sunday night we did and we sort of cleared the air. I’m still hurt and disappointed, but it is what it is and I’m actually glad that this happened now instead of later. I just hate that I’ve been lead on this whole time. He keeps making excuses for himself, saying he did’t want to lose me and didn’t want to ruin the friendship, etc. I’m done. Two times is enough. I hate that I’m so stubborn sometimes.

– beautifuldarkmystery

story of my life.

So I’ve been watching this show right? And I can’t help but draw so many parallels to what’s going on between the characters and what’s going on with me and the people in my own life. Freaky coincidence? Who knows…

Anyways, so after watching this show for about two weeks now, it’s got me thinking. I have no reason to doubt this because it could be totally true, but I’m wondering if “Tom” backed out on our relationship before it even started because he was afraid of losing the friendship. We all know that once you cross that line, it’s hard to go back to being friends. It’s the truth because once those feelings are there, they don’t completely go away. I’m not going to sit here and make a list of assumptions, but it’s definitely made me wonder if he really just doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.

However, I feel like at the same time, you’ll never know what could be if you don’t take the risk. I guess I’m not worth the risk, which I guess is both good and bad, right? I really do believe we’re better off as just friends. Things just get super awkward when they appear forced, but there will always be a part of me that hopes it’ll work out.

But every time my mind wanders in that direction, I suddenly remember who I’m dealing with here…Tom’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong. But he is emotionally unavailable. He claims he has no secrets and that he doesn’t hold back anything but I find that hard to believe because we all have secrets…some of us just have deeper and darker ones than others. I also made this point to him…I said that when I wrote him that letter that explained everything I had been through over the last couple of years, I regretted it at first because I felt he didn’t deserve to know. However, because of how everything went down and the way we practically ended things, I didn’t want to leave him without letting him know how much he meant to me…but that’s just me, I’m an emotional person, and I’m not afraid to show it. If I truly and deeply care about someone, I’ll let them know. Now, maybe that’s not him…he doesn’t strike me as the emotional and compassionate type no offense to him, but I also told him that I usually don’t open up people unless they do it first. It’s a universal fact…no one likes to feel vulnerable or show others that vulnerability.

I don’t know…it’ll just feel strange sometimes because I’ll tell him what’s wrong and then he kind of brushes it off like it’s no big deal. I’m sure he doesn’t mean for it to be that way, I just think he doesn’t know how to handle emotion…which is I guess the reason why we have never had a heart-to-heart conversation in person, which kind of sucks because for me personally, I like to feel that deeper, more intimate connection with someone I call my best friend.

At the same time, whenever I make a new friend, I try to lower my expectations and tell myself that they won’t be here forever. They’ll come, stay for a year or two, then leave…just like everyone else. It’s a sad way to think about it, but if I’m being real here, it’s very true. I’ve never been the one to keep friends. I’ll reach out and make the effort but at some point, you just have to know when to let go.

It’s kind of frustrating because I want more from him, but at the same time, that’s not in my control. I can’t change people and I can’t change their behavior. I just think it’s sad because as a human being, I think it’s important to allow yourself to feel different emotions. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of being human. I’m not saying he should go around crying and complaining…I guess I just appreciate people more when they’re vulnerable in front of me because A) it’s a hard thing to do and B) I know that they confide in me.

I don’t know, it’s just a thought. It was a little freaky because the main character likes these two girls and is conflicted with his feelings for both of them. At the same time, he’s keeping all these secrets from them, leaving the girls to constantly question their friendships with him. So many similarities, so relatable. Story of my life.

-beautifuldarkmystery

my dream last night.

It was so real that it could have happened in real life. I wish I could control my dreams…meaning that I wish I could tell myself what to dream about. The nights I want to dream about him, I dream about completely random things…when I least expect to dream about him…that’s when I dream about him.

So I don’t know where we were, but there were picnic tables and there were other students around. The classroom looked unfamiliar though. We were all sitting on the ground in a circle. I was sitting next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and from there, we started being affectionate with each other. We sat extremely close to each other, I held his hands, we didn’t stop hugging each other…and all of this happened, knowing that he was interested in someone else. It was like I won him back or something. THIS IS TORTURE. I know that’s never going to happen so I don’t even know why I had a dream like that.

On another note, things were a little tense between us during class today. We didn’t talk that much. However, when he got out of his next class, he stopped by the office of the professor I help on Mondays and Tuesdays, and we talked for like a minute. Then he moved toward me like he wasn’t sure if he should give me a hug or not and he did. So I mean, yeah, he’s trying, but I hate that things are so awkward between us now. I try to act normal around him, but he has NO IDEA….no idea how difficult it is for me.

You know, I really hope that one day he’ll know what this feels like. I hope he meets someone in his life that he truly loves and cares about…someone he’s afraid to lose…someone who doesn’t want him as much as he wants her. I really want him to know what this feels like. But until that happens, he’ll NEVER understand what it’s like for me. I haven’t cared so much about a person ever. I care so much that it hurts. Story of my life. I’m still waiting for the day I meet someone who’s afraid to lose me.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i’m torn.

So tonight I had my honors convocation and I posted some pics from the night. Then he texts me and says, “Congrats on the award, my friend.” The last two words fried me….really? I HATE being friend-zoned like this. Like, my life might as well be a soap opera right now because this is just too much. Right then and there I wanted to send him a message over Facebook, but then decided not to. I figured, if I did, then I’d be doing it more out of impulse.

But I am torn right now, and here’s why. Yes, I am glad we’re speaking again and on somewhat good terms. But I’m not happy that things are different between us now…like the way he treats me, the way he talks to me…I miss the OLD us. So I’m torn between making myself happy and making him happy. A part of me wants to say what’s on my mind right now and let him know that this isn’t going to work…while another part of me wants to keep quiet. There are only a couple of weeks left in the semester. Then summer will be here, which means when we return in the fall, it’ll be a new semester and I won’t have to see him around campus…hopefully. And maybe we can just “drift” apart. He just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and at this point, I feel like trying to explain it to him will be like talking to a wall.

I mean, at this point, I really don’t think I should be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else. If I’m not happy in this friendship, then I have a right to remove myself from it. I honestly feel like the only way I’ll ever be able to move on from any of this is to stop talking to him, stop seeing him, etc. Every time I see him I’m reminded that things are different and that I’m no longer the one he likes or wants to be with, and that sucks! No one likes feeling that way.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m giving up on him, but sometimes, if you truly love someone, you have to let him/her go. When it comes down to happiness, I don’t care if it seems like I’m ┬ábeing selfish, I need to be happy again and my happiness comes first. And sometimes, I need to realize that there’s a difference between giving up and doing what’s best for me. I know I can’t change a person, so why am I still doing this, going through the same routine…

I really don’t know what to do, and this is where you guys come in. Some advice would be much appreciated. I mean, right now, I’m leaning more towards just keeping quiet until the end of the semester and slowly start to pull away as he fades out of my life. In a way, that’s not good for my happiness, because it means two weeks of being unhappy around him. But at the same time, I feel that by doing things this way, not only are we ending things on a non-confrontative note, but in this case, I believe silence is the best way to let him know he did something wrong. If he decides to randomly ask me what happened, then I can explain. But I won’t be aggressive about it, jut real and honest. I don’t know. What do you think?

-beautifuldarkmystery

thoughts.

It’s funny how certain people always have a way of coming back into your life. To be honest, I thought he was going to walk away. I figure he would have thought I was too much to handle or my personality was too strong for his. Like I said, he seems like the type to shut down when things get rough, but he came back. Now, I don’t know what his intentions are now that we had that falling out. I honestly don’t know the reason why he still wants to be friends with me, but I can guess a few.

  • Things didn’t work out with the other girl and wants to use me as a rebound
  • He wants to make up so it doesn’t have to be so awkward during class for the rest of the semester
  • He really misses me and thinks my friendship is worth keeping
  • Because we’re similar in terms of certain personality traits, maybe he thinks I can help him with that since I seem to be the more emotionally developed of the two of us

I’m not going to even begin to try and figure out what he wants. I just need to stay cautious, take things slow, and monitor his behavior. I’m still on the fence about this whole thing, but at the end of the day, real friendships are the ones that survive the tests and challenges. Real friendships are the ones where both people think it’s worth saving. I know this one’s worth saving on my end, but we’ll see about him.

And obviously, there’s always going to be a small part of me that likes him. I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the fact he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, but true feelings never go away. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because for all I know…he could really turn around and prove me wrong. That would be ideal. I mean, he’s had about a month to think about what he did. I made it very clear to him though…he has A LOT to prove to me. And I’m not putting it all on him. I need to make some compromises as well, one of those being that I have to accept the fact he’s not comfortable talking face-to-face about certain issues and topics. If he prefers to text me, I’ll have to allow him to do that. I think it’s sad that he can’t do that or refuses to learn how, but I mean, I can’t change a person. Accepting their flaws is something that comes with accepting a person for who he/she is.

It sucks to be the person who always strives to look for the best in people, even when they show me otherwise. I want to have hope that he can turn around, but you know what they say…old habits die hard. Once a person is set in their ways, it’s hard to change.

Next week will be interesting, that’s for sure. We’ll see what happens.

-beautifuldarkmystery

college crush (part 4).

After our feelings were out in the open, Tom and I felt that tension go away. I mean, we both liked each other all this time, but no one ever acted upon it. We continued texting for the next week or so and this was the longest we had ever consecutively “talked” to each other. It was nice.

One day he wanted to hang out so he ended up coming to school early one day just so he could see me. I stayed late so I could see him. We ended up sitting in the student union talking about random things for almost FOUR hours! It didn’t even feel like it, but I guess that’s what happens when you feel like this. There were some awkward moments though, where we both would run out of things to say and we’re left staring at the ceiling. I figured, oh no, this is what it’s going to be like? Tom is the type of person who feels comfortable talking through text, especially when it’s about more below-the-surface subjects. When I talk to him in person, it’s different than the person I talk to through text. I want to talk to the text guy, but I want him to be able to talk to me. But maybe this is a “flaw” of his that I just might have to accept.

It was getting late and I had to go home and he had to go to class so he offers to walk me to my car. I told him he really didn’t have to and that I would be okay, but he insisted. As we walked we were laughing and talking. Then all of a sudden I feel a hand take mind. I thought it was THE cutest thing ever. I couldn’t help but compare him to my ex at that moment. I know, I know…I really shouldn’t do that, but it took that guy forever just to hold my hand and Tom was not hesitant at all, or at least it didn’t show. When we got to the parking garage I gave him the biggest hug and we went our separate ways.

A couple of days later we were trying to plan our first date but I had some schedule conflicts and in the end, it never happened and I was bummed. I texted Tom one day, asking what he thought about us so far. He said he honestly thinks we’re not ready for a relationship like this and that we don’t feel comfortable enough around each other yet. I agreed with him, but at the same time I was crushed because I felt like it was my fault. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and relationships are so unfamiliar to me that I guess I just put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself for no reason. So, before anything could really start, we decided we would just stay friends…for now at least.

-beautifuldarkmystery