thanksgiving 2012.

Sometimes, I wish certain memories weren’t attached to certain days…especially holidays. I hate to keep bringing up the past, but this is what happens every single year around this time. Thanksgiving Day 2012 was the day he admitted his feelings for me. This was just the beginning to what would later be a roller coaster of a relationship. But at the time, I had no idea. I was just happy over the simple fact that for the first time in ages, the guy I had a crush on actually liked me back.

I often wonder how different things would be today if we actually made it…but when I start to have those thoughts, I have to stop myself because our story ended differently. It’s always tough to see the one you love move on, but it took my a couple of years to come to terms with the situation and realize that if things were meant to work out, I wouldn’t be sitting here fantasizing over the alternate ending.

He always tells me the week he spent with me in summer 2014 changed everything for him, but for me, it was that Thanksgiving night. It was the first time I started to see that wall come down and he started opening up to me. It was the first time I actually felt like I had a chance and that this was going to turn into something great.

Unfortunately, every Thanksgiving, the memories come flooding back and the saddest part is that he probably doesn’t even remember this. But because it was so special to me, I made sure I was never going to forget that night.

So instead of focusing on being sad that things didn’t work out (I think there will always be a part of me that feels this way because he was the first person I ever loved), I am choosing to focus on the other side of the coin. I am thankful that that night happened because if he never told me how he felt, I’m not sure that I ever would have told him because I’m too chicken. That relationship taught me more about myself than anything I had ever experienced. Even though it was painful and I was truly devastated and heartbroken when things ended, I grew stronger and wiser.

I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss him, but I’m glad I can finally feel at peace with everything. We were never meant to last forever. We were no good for each other and I think we both realized that. And the fact that we can still be a part of each other’s lives without feelings of resentment towards each other is a great thing. I couldn’t be any more grateful for the way things turned out between us because I know it could have been a lot worse.

I’m happy I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my family. The quality time is always nice and I look forward to creating new memories in the company of those I love the most. Happy Thanksgiving!

beautifuldarkmystery

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strangers, again.

It’s funny how two friends can become strangers again. Someone you once knew so well, or, at least, you thought you did…is now just a name and face. I never thought that was possible, until I experienced it.

Yes, there are times I find myself wondering how he’s doing, if he’s happy. It seems like it. But sometimes, I want to know what he’s really thinking. We both know he’s always been good at putting on a facade, acting like everything’s okay. Well, regardless, I hope he’s happy.

I wish I could be a part of that happiness. I wish I could be a part of his present. But now he’s a part of my past. This is a time when we’re both experiencing important milestones in our lives and there are moments when I wish I could just share all of that with him. But then I remember our situation. I wish I didn’t have to be so extreme. I wish I didn’t have to cut him out of my life and that we could still be friends right now. But if I want ANY chance of moving on and being happy again, this is what I have to do.

It feels like I am mourning the death of a friend. There’s an emptiness inside of me, a void that cannot be filled. I miss having that one person I shared everything with. The one person I had some of the best memories with. Three years of it and now it’s gone, just like that.

It hurts, but I do the best I can. And I know that with each passing day, it will get better. But I will never be whole again. He has a piece of my heart I will never get back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

my prom experience.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this yet, but if I have, I apologize for my redundancy. I was just talking to one of my friends and somehow, prom was mentioned and I was explaining to him about my experiences. And now I’d like to share those experiences with you.

When I think of prom, I think the perfect dress, getting my hair done, having the perfect date, renting a limo and getting a huge group of friends together. When I think about prom, I envision it like the movies. The guy arrives at the girl’s house, looking handsome in her tux. She slowly makes her entrance down the staircase, her heart racing because she’s dying to see him. Their eyes meet and he smiles at her…as if she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. The parents jump in with their cameras to get the classic “pinning-the-boutonniere-oh-my-gosh-I-hope-I-don’t-stab-him-but-I’m-going-to-smile-anyway” photo. The group all meets up at one of the houses and everyone piles into the backyard to get those last-minute photos before it’s time to head into the dance. When they finally arrive, the happy couple dances the night away, looking into each other’s eyes, they can’t stop smiling. That slow song begins to play. He gently grabs her hand and pulls her close. She rests her head on his chest as they sway back and forth to the soft ballad. In that moment, it’s as if everything is perfect and she doesn’t want the night to end.

If I could go back and relive my prom, this is how I’d want it to be. Of course, things don’t always work out the way you want them to. I wouldn’t say I had a terrible experience, but I definitely think it could have been a lot better. However, instead of choosing to make the most out of my situation, I wallowed in my own “misery.”

Let’s rewind to junior year. Now, at my school, we have two proms…one during junior year and one during senior year. So junior prom was okay. However, I guess you could say I had expectations. It was during my junior year when I got into my first relationship and I remember feeling so excited because I thought I finally had someone who’d do all the cute couple-y things with me, including going to prom. However, we broke up a few months before so I was to fly solo for this one. I ended up going with a group of friends, but they weren’t people I was super close with. Heck, I didn’t even know a couple of them…they went to a different school but apparently other people in the group knew them and asked them to come. I bought this really nice dress, it was floor-length, a blue ombre design, and it sparkled. It looked like your “stereotypical” prom dress. I didn’t get my hair or nails done because I figured they weren’t that important.

My ex ended up not going to prom…it’s not really his thing, which I was kind of thankful for because I think if I had to see him there, it would have made things a lot more difficult for me. But that’s not to say it wasn’t. Everywhere I looked, it seemed as though everyone was paired up and having a good time. And here I was, standing with a group of people, awkwardly swaying side to side. Not a good time. Looking back, yeah, it’s an experience I’d rather forget because it was anything but picture perfect, but everyone’s experience is different. Everyone has a different opinion.

Fast forward to senior year. Prom season was here and I was actually looking forward to it. I was planning on going with a group, a group of people I was closer to and actually considered good friends. We all pitched in to rent a party bus. It was going to be a good time. I honestly wasn’t expecting to get asked, but I did. I’ll never forget either. So…I’m a band kid…and I’m sure most of you judge us as being the awkward social outcasts of high school. While there may be some truth to that, I don’t think anything will compare to this situation. So I was waiting in the band room and all of a sudden, one of my friends (he was more of an acquaintance) walked up to me and asked if he could speak to me in the hallway). So I followed him and he pulls out this small bouquet of flowers and basically asks me to go to prom with him. It was so awkward though because I could see him shaking and he was looking everywhere and he stumbled through his words. I could see how nervous he was and I felt bad so on impulse, I said no. Looking back, I should have been honest with him because when we got to prom, I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I still feel bad even thinking about it all over again because I was the jerk. Anyways, like with my junior prom, I can’t say I had a completely miserable time…the venue was a lot nicer than the previous one and for me, it was nice to be able to spend one last big night with my class before graduation. It was bittersweet I guess.

But yeah, that’s my experience with prom….not the best one, but not the worst either. I always say that I hope that one day I’ll get to relive prom in a different way. I don’t know what that means yet, but I know all it takes is the right guy to show me. I wanted to share this experience with you to let you know that not everyone’s prom experience is like the ones you see in the movies. Oh how we wish though, right? But that’s what makes it unique to my life. It was my experience and I lived through it. It definitely created lasting memories that I don’t think I will ever forget. Everyone’s experience is different, and each one is special, no matter the circumstance.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What was your prom experience like? Was it everything you had hoped for? What were some of the positives and negatives?

i don’t want break to end.

It’s been so nice having a week away from him…not seeing him, not having to deal with the tension between us. I’m not looking forward to that one class we have together for the rest of the semester. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, there’s always going to be that tension there, it’s just inevitable. But, I’m not going to focus on that…or at least try.

There’s only a month and a half left of this semester and then it’s 3 months of summer vacation. There are days I still wish things didn’t turn out this way, but that’s life…there are a lot of those moments. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out according to plan. I would have liked to have ended things on a good note, but that’s not something I can control.

I do hope he’s had a good spring break. He’s probably over this whole thing by now…and here I am, sitting here as each day goes by…my mind always wanders to him…forever in the back of my mind. I know that with time it’ll get easier because it already has! That feeling of shock and being in denial has gone away, now the reality is finally sinking in.

One thing’s for sure…I’m REALLY glad I got to spend some time with two of my high school friends during spring break. Seeing them reminded me that I’ve still got some pretty amazing people in my life…people who’ve continually been there for me and shown me the love and support. We didn’t even have to talk about deep stuff…we just hung out and had a great time. I really miss them. I’ve realized that I’ve pretty much lost most of my friendships from high school and it’s kind of sad. But the ones I still keep in touch with, I know those friendships are real because we don’t have to see or talk to each other every day, but when we hang out, we’re able to pick up right from where we left off and it’s fantastic.

I wonder if he’s been texting this new girl…probably…and it’s sad to think she’s falling for the same words I fell for as we speak. Well, I can say this much…it won’t be long until she begins to see this pattern and then it’s on to the next. I hate to say it, but it’s true. He clearly doesn’t see that there’s something wrong with his behavior, therefore, he’s not going to do anything to change it. He needs to seriously grow up. As much as he wants to be a kid, he’s not one anymore. He’s an adult. It’s time to start taking certain things more seriously. I’m not saying everything has to be serious, but you’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

-beautifuldarkmystery

this WOULD happen to me.

So….today’s been an interesting day so far. For one of my film classes, we have to create a one-minute movie using only a smart phone. Our professor wants to see how well we fair with limitations. So the entire movie has to be shot on a smart phone (including audio) and it can’t be any longer than 60 seconds.

I met up with my group this morning for some pre-production work. There are four of us, including me, and we were all in the same TV production class about a year ago so we all know each other pretty well. HE (*cough cough*) is also in that group, which means we’ll be working together.

We had a rough start, trying to come up with ideas and whatnot. We tried clustering ideas and that didn’t really work, and then my friend came up with an idea and we just went with that. Basically it’s going to kind of be a love story. All three of them volunteered me to be the talent and I basically had no say. So now I’m the actress. As for the actor, yeah, I bet you can tell where this is going. 😉 Anyways, so here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to rush to my car (to the parking garage) and on my way up the stairs, I drop my car keys. When I get to my car, I realize I’ve lost my keys and I begin to panic. My friend, “Tom,” is going to be the actor. He’s going to find my keys and pick them up. He eventually finds me in the parking garage and gives my keys back to me and it’s going to be “love at first sight.” He sort of volunteered to play the lead actor 1) probably so he can play my love interest and 2) we have these matching keychains (I bought them when I went to Disneyland one time and gave him the other half for his birthday present last year). This will help the whole “fate” factor.

All I have to say is that this should be interesting. We’re going to play love interests in this 60-second movie, which will eventually be shown to the rest of the class. I am actually kind of excited, but definitely nervous. I don’t want to watch myself on screen in front of everyone, but I want to see if we have any on-screen chemistry. Okay, now I’m starting to get cheesy. I can’t wait to see how this turns out. We’re filming on Wednesday. Here goes nothing…

-beautifuldarkmystery

old friends, new friends.

I don’t know if any of you guys do this, but do you ever stop and wonder how your life would be different if you hadn’t met someone? That somewhere out there, there’s like a parallel universe…one where you’ve never met this person? It’s crazy to think about because personally, I find that everyone I meet has a purpose…whether it’s that they have really good timing, they’re here to teach me something, or whatever the reason may be. There are definitely a few people I want to address specifically in this post because I truly believe that my life would be completely different today if I had never met them.

Let’s start with my ex. Now, this one’s pretty obvious because OF COURSE things would be different if we had never met. I believe he was put into my life for a reason and though at the time I may not have known that reason, I do now. I think his purpose was to teach me a lesson…a lesson on how to be a good friend. Even though I felt like I was being lied to, I still put myself out there and let him know that I will always be there for him. But sometimes, it’s not something I can control. People grow apart. He taught me that it’s important to be honest in a relationship and that communication is crucial. It may seem obvious but when you’re young and stupid, you don’t necessarily realize it at the time.

Next, I want to talk about my two best friends from high school. One of them is “Nancy” (whom I mentioned in a previous post) and her brother, we’ll call him Max. Max and I met in 6th grade and I thought he was one of the most annoying kids ever. He followed me everywhere, always asked me questions, and was super hyper. However, when we got to high school, he matured a little and we ended up becoming good friends. By senior year we were best friends. Max and Nancy were there for me all throughout high school. They were the ones who helped me when I was going through my first breakup. They got me out of my bad moods by calling me up and getting me out of the house. They always seemed to have this way of showing up when I needed them. I didn’t even have to say anything. It’s like they were psychic or something. Honestly, they were the best friends I could ever have. They showed ME what a good friend encompasses. They saw me at my worst, and celebrated with me at my best. Two people I could completely be myself around and not feel judged.

Finally, I want to talk about “Tom.” As most of you know, this is the guy I like. This is the guy I could be in a potential relationship with in the future. He’s pretty special to me. He came into my life when I really needed a friend. At the time, I was starting to feel detached from most of my high school friends. We were all headed in our own directions…new school, new friends, new everything. Unfortunately, sometimes that means saying goodbye to the old ones. Anyways, being a commuter, I don’t really have that many friends in college, or at least not as much as I would have if I lived on campus. So in the beginning of the year, I was feeling optimistic about the year. It was my chance to start fresh (because the year before was terrible, I was going through a lot). Then I find out that my dog is really sick and we need to put her down. I know pets are pretty important and special to us, but this dog was extra special because she grew up with me. I got her when I was in the fourth grade. I was a kid and she was a puppy. She was with me all through my teen and adolescent years until she passed away in October 2011, at the beginning of my second year of college. Tom came into my life right as I was dealing with all of that. The thing is…he didn’t have to say or do anything. Just by having his presence and knowing I had this friend I instantly connected with, that in itself was comforting. I hope that one day I will be able to articulate this to Tom because I want him to know what he’s done for me. Because he’s become a huge part of my life, I can’t even imagine how different it would be if we had never met. The thing is…the class we met in, I almost didn’t sign up for. But at the last minute I did…and that’s how we met. Crazy right? All it takes is one decision. One of two paths. YOU get to choose. I never expected for Tom to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time and vice versa. I’ve never been able to connect with someone so quickly. I actually texted him the other night saying that he means a lot to me and that I wanted him to know that. He said that it made him smile and that I mean a lot to him as well.

Even though I only talked about four people here, EVERYONE I’ve met has impacted my life in some sort of way. But these are the people who’ve meant the most to me so far. These are people who’ve changed me for the better. Though I may not talk to most of them anymore, they’ll always be in my memories and will always hold a special place in my heart. And a part of me would hope that they feel the same way.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Which friends have impacted your life the most? What did you learn?

home is where the heart is.

For the last six years or so, my parents have been renting out the house that we used to live in. Recently (as in from August 2012 until now), my mom, dad, and I (mostly my dad), have been renovating the house because we plan on finally selling it. Our previous tenant was a flake and fell behind on her rent so my parents had no choice but to evict her. When I went back to that house for the first time since I moved out (which was when I was about seven years old), I was heartbroken. It was a disaster. It was beat-up, worn down, and an absolute mess. I was sad and angry at the same time.

Trying to look past the horrific condition of the house, I tried to focus on the house itself, what it meant to me. Suddenly, a wave of nostalgia fell over me and I began to delve back into my childhood days, remembering this house the way I remembered it. One of the first places I went to was the kitchen. I closed the door and saw the familiar pencil scratchings on the door frame. Yes, I remember these like it was yesterday. My dad recorded my height, as well as my sister’s during the time we lived in that house. I ran my fingers over the weathered frame, surprised that these markings were still clearly visible.

Next, I walked into the family room, which is right next to the kitchen. An empty room was there before me, but as I stared, the room came to life. Couches and furniture began to fade into appearance and before me was a long table with kids wearing birthday hats. At the end of the table was me, the birthday girl. It was arts and crafts time and we were all making angel ornaments (my birthday is close to Christmas). It was as if this scene came right out of a movie, as the protagonist gets nostalgic over the past.

I continued walking throughout the rest of the house. I visited the bathroom, I remembered when I lost my first tooth. I walked upstairs to the bonus room, where my sister and I would paint each other’s nails. Then I walked to my old bedroom. Yes, it was a lot smaller than I remember it, but then again, I was small too. That’s when it really hit me. My eyes began to water as this nostalgia became almost too overwhelming. The way the sun entered the room during the afternoon…it was exactly how I remembered it. Everything was so familiar, despite the amount of time that had passed since I was last in that room. It was simply an indescribable feeling.

Over the next couple of months, the three of us worked on that house, giving it a new makeover. My sister wasn’t there because she’s away at school and doesn’t live with us during the semester. My mom and I did most of the scrubbing and painting. My dad did the hard stuff like replacing the floors in the bathrooms and fixing the outside of the house.

The moment I realized we were going to sell the house, was when I arrived one day and went to the kitchen and looked behind the door only to see that white paint covered the frame and our height records were no longer there. Yeah, I’ll admit I was a little sad. To me, this house will ALWAYS be home to me.

What’s funny about that is…we lived in that house for about four or five years. We’ve lived in our current house for about thirteen years, yet when we all discussed it, NONE of us have an attachment to this house. We all still really love the old house. I think that’s because we had some of our fondest memories there…birthday parties, slumber parties, Christmases. EVERYTHING. The memories I can recollect are the ones I had in that house.

I’ll be sad when it’s finally time to put the house on the market. In a sense, it feels like a piece of me is being taken away. I never realized how attached I was to that house until I went there last year for the first time since we moved out. I didn’t expect to get as nostalgic as I did and I certainly didn’t expect for it to be as emotional. But they do say home is where the heart is, and now I know where my heart truly is.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember the house you grew up in? Are you still attached to it? What do you remember of it?