you don’t see me that way.

I wish you’d care about me as much as I care about you, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d show interest in some of the things I love, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look at me and smile like I look at you and smile, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d look into my eyes and tell me how you really feel, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wrap your arms around me and tell me how much you love me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d come over to my house and cuddle with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d watch Disney movies and romantic comedies with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d hug me so tight you’d never want to let go, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d drive to my house late at night so we can watch the stars together, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d kiss me gently and smile as you pull away, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d put your jacket around me when it’s cold outside, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take my hand and place it in yours, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d burn a cd of all the songs that remind you of me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d wipe my tears away when I’m sad, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take goofy “couple” pictures with me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d say the words “I love you,” but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d play with my hair or move it away from my face as you look into my eyes, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d take me somewhere we could be alone, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d pull me close and kiss me on the forehead, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d let me wear your favorite sweatshirt, but you don’t see me that way. 
I wish you’d tell everyone how lucky you are to have a girl like me, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d call me beautiful and mean it, but you don’t see me that way.
I wish you’d tell me you’d been in love with me this whole time, but you don’t see me that way.

-beautifuldarkmystery

There are a million more things I’d wish for, but there’s no point in continuing because you’ll never be mine. Though my heart aches, I need to accept that this is my reality. You can’t be all those things, you can’t do all those things because it’s not you. But despite the fact I KNOW I deserve better than you, my heart will never let go. Something always pulls me back to you. Just when I think it’s over between us, you say or do something that makes me think otherwise. I wish you could just be honest with me. You either like me or you don’t, which one will it be? I’ve been nothing but honest with you about my feelings. I just wish you’d do the same. But I get it, you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve like I do. But it kills me thinking of what we could be…

dear diary.

This post may seem a little out of place, but oh well. Do you guys keep diaries? I’ve never been really good at keeping one. I would start, write five entries, then stop…either because I wasn’t interested anymore or I got lazy. However, this year, I’ve decided to start one again. I didn’t start at the beginning of the year, but I think I started a couple weeks into January and I have been writing in it at least once a day. I’ve decided that I want to have something I can look back on ten years from now and read what was going on in my life at the time. After all, this has been a pretty interesting semester so far…there’s a boy, I’m getting more involved at school with my major, etc. I can’t wait to read these entries later in the future.

I think that’s the beauty of keeping a diary or journal. I prefer to call it a journal because diary sounds so girly (I know I’m a girl, but still). We tend to remember moments, not days, so I’m hoping that by writing down something at least once a day, I’ll have more “moments.” Some may be ordinary things, but I’ll forget most of this stuff down the road and I just think it’s interesting.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do you keep a diary/journal? If so, how long have you kept it?

i find this very interesting.

So I’m taking an Intro in Career Writing Class and I absolutely love it so far. Writing has always been a strong point and I love the books we’re reading on how to become better writers. It may not have anything to do with my major, but who knows…I may need this stuff some day. Plus the professor really likes me, so that’s a bonus.

Anyways, what I wanted to write about is blogging. I find it so fascinated that people, such as myself, tend to hide so much from family and friends…things we don’t necessarily want others to know…yet we come on sites like this, and publicly post our stories. Why is that?

And it’s not so much that I hide all this stuff from them. I tell my mom pretty much anything (because if I don’t, she’ll end up finding anyways, so it’s easier to just be upfront…mothers…). When it comes to my friends, I’m very careful about what I disclose to what people. I know there are people in my life who are just curious. The hard part is sifting through all of those people to get to the good, genuine ones. But even so, now that I’m thinking back on every friendship I’ve encountered, I’ve never found that one person who I felt completely comfortable opening up to…even my best friend of eight years. So what does that say about me?

But there’s a risk with telling your personal stories in such a public way…what if my family and friends DO find out? Well A) That is why my name isn’t posted anywhere on this blog, my avatar covers my identity, and I change the names in my stories, and B) None of my friends use WordPress (that I know of) or are bloggers, so I highly doubt they will ever find this. Basically, like I said, I wanted to create this vessel where I can get out whatever it is I’m thinking, good, bad, all of it.

I think for me personally, I like the idea of getting non-biased opinions about my life from other people who’ve experienced similar situations. Another thing is that I’m sitting behind a computer screen, where no one can see me. It’s almost like there’s a sense of security. And yeah, you may judge me for that and I may be a hypocrite for saying this because I’ve always been against people hiding behind computer screens. I’m talking about people who go online anonymous and start harassing and bullying people. That I don’t approve of. I’m not saying that what I’m doing is right either. But I believe everyone needs their own escape…one their friends or family don’t know about, where they can never find you. That’s what this blog is for me.

I apologize if this seems super disjointed. I’m really just rambling and writing down whatever comes to mind.

-beautifuldarkmystery

How do you escape your everyday life? Does it work for you?

three worst qualities (things i need to work on).

So I’m hoping that by writing some of this out, it will help me get a better understanding of myself and how I think and what I need to change, so I’m going to start with three qualities about myself that I can work on. They are in no particular order.

1. Be more outgoing. As an introvert, I often like spending time alone as opposed to being in a crowded place with a lot of people. Hence, you’ll never see me at the night club, or at the mall during Black Friday (did it once, NEVER again). However, I’m in a major that requires a lot of heavy networking…that means talking to people. I don’t like talking to people because I’m always conscious about what I’m saying…like I’m going to mess something up. I believe in psychology it’s called the spotlight effect or something. It’s basically where you think people are are observing your every move when really, they don’t care all that much and you basically are freaking out for nothing. It’s not that I’m an anti-social person. I love hanging out with my friends and being at school doesn’t bother me. I guess it’s more of making an effort of putting myself out there. It’s something every introvert is not very good at, and hopefully, I’ll be able to work on that a little more.

2. Use my words. Since a child, I’ve always been very articulate with writing, but when it comes to speaking, I feel like I’m put on the spot and don’t know what to say. Especially with things like feelings or dealing with confrontations, I always freeze and panic because it just doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does to others. This is one skill I KNOW I have to get better at because in the future, I’ll need to know how to speak for myself and know how to do it effectively. I feel like I have started to become better at it. I took a public speaking course during my sophomore year of college (it’s part of our general ed, so there was no way I was getting out of that one). But I ended up surprisingly liking it. I felt like by the end of that course, I felt comfortable speaking in front of my peers. However, it’s been a while since I took that class (or have had to do a presentation or speaking engagement of any kind), so I may be a little rusty.

3. Not be afraid to fail. I don’t know where I get this from…but I am a perfectionist. If I can’t do something right, I won’t even attempt it. I know that such a thing doesn’t exist and that we’re supposed to make mistakes, and trust me, I’ve made a fair share of mistakes so far that I’m not proud of. But I don’t know how this came to be a fear. I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself to please my parents and make sure that they’re proud of me because the last thing I want to do is disappoint them. At the same time, I have to realize that this is MY life. I need to make myself happy as well and I need to do what I need to do in order to get where I’m going.  Perhaps this comes with being an introvert…we don’t like to embarrass ourselves so we try to do everything right. But I know that everyone makes mistakes. I just need to learn not to let those things get to me or take them too personally because that will ruin me in the end.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What are some things you would like to work on about yourself, if any?

why i created this blog.

Writing has always been my form of self-expression. I’ve never been good with words or expressing myself verbally in front of others, but if you give me a pen and paper, it’s like I’m a different person. I created this blog so that I could get back into a routine of writing again. I know I’ll be busy with the semester starting up pretty soon, but I hope I’m able to find the time to start writing again…even if it’s simple stuff like how my day went. I feel like in order to start figuring myself out, I need to start incorporating journaling back into my routine. I find that when I write, I’m able to put certain pieces of the puzzle together and figure out what I’m trying to say or what’s making me feel a certain way.

I was a little hesitant first about opening up and sharing some of my stories publicly, but then I decided…maybe there are people out there going through the same things I am and sometimes it just makes you feel better to know you’re not alone. I won’t go into too much detail, but I’ll share what I’m comfortable with sharing. I may give advice, and sometimes I may even need advice. Feel free to leave comments on my posts if you have any questions or need advice. I get the feeling that most of the people that follow me here will be introverts like me, so let’s chat. 🙂

Not all of it will be personal. I will occasionally post some opinion posts for different topics just so I can exercise my brain a little. In fact, I’ve already started a list of things I want to talk about, but I need to space them out and not write them all in one day (as tempting as that sounds). I will post however many posts I want to each day, but not too many. Plus when school starts up again, I won’t have as much time. So feel free to follow if you want to read more. I’m not going to beg for people to follow me because quite frankly, I don’t think my life is THAT interesting. Again, I just want to create a place where people feel like they’re not alone and that they can relate to some of the things I’ve been through. 🙂

-beautifuldarkmystery