un-friended.

Yesterday I deleted my ex off of Facebook. Some people may see that as an immature way to handle things, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially for someone like me, who’s been having a difficult time trying to move on. Sometimes, you need that clean break from an ex in order to even have the slightest chance of moving on.

We live in a generation where our lives revolve around social media. These are the main ways we stay connected to our friends…we find out what they’re doing through what they post. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week now. I knew that un-friending him meant I would no longer be able to see what’s going on in his life, and he would no longer be able to see what’s going on in mine.

I won’t go into too much detail about my situation, but we have been in this limbo since we broke up (which was about five months). We weren’t even in a relationship that long so it’s weird calling him my ex. But anyway, he’s made it clear to me in the last five months that he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back into a relationship any time soon. It has been THIS cycle that has caused me so much frustration because I don’t know what he wants from me. One day he’ll act like he wants me, the next he’ll act completely different. I’ve been unhappy through all of this, so enough is enough. I’ve learned that I need to come to a decision for myself…that we are never getting back together.

Unfortunately, since I’ve been in this cycle for a while now, it’s made it super difficult for me to move on…which is why I resorted to deleting him off of social media. Unfortunately, I lacked the self control and discipline and found myself visiting his Facebook page every once in a while to see what he was up to. Then, when I saw he was hanging out with his new friends, I would get my feelings hurt and I would feel left out and then I would get upset all over again. I want to get to that point where I’m not affected by the simplest of things. So I need a clean break. Cold turkey. I need to cut him off. It’s the only way…for me at least.

They say you should always trust your gut feeling. I was reluctant for the longest time about deleting him from social media, Facebook specifically, because I felt like if I did, I would lose him. But the irony of it all has been that…I’ve been holding on to him so tightly and I’ve been holding on to the hope that we would get back together that in many ways, I’ve already lost him. And like I said, I knew that once I did it, I wouldn’t be able to know what was going on in his life. But that’s the whole point of all of this. I need to break this habit of needing to know what he’s doing. I don’t want to be THAT person. Anyway, back to my point, my gut feeling told me I needed to do this. If I wanted any chance of moving on, I need a clean break. I thought I would feel regretful and sad after I did it, but surprisingly, I felt liberated, I suddenly felt like one of those chains had been broken and I felt a sense of freedom. I know it sounds crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I was allowing this one person to hold me down. I don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t know if he’s even noticed yet, but I’m not going to tell him I did it. The whole point of this is trying to be as subtle as possible. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. I’m just doing what I think is necessary for me in order to be happy again. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and I’ve put his feelings before mine for way too long now and it hasn’t been reciprocated.

I know that this is just the beginning. But it’s a step in the right direction. I want to get to that place where I feel no bitterness towards him. Right now, because feelings are still so raw, I’m a little more sensitive than I should be to certain situations. I know that deep down in my heart, he has a piece of me I’ll never get back…but if I can move on for the most part and be okay, then that’s when I’ll know. It’s been difficult because he was my first love, so unfortunately, it’s the only love I know. But I know I’ll get there some day. It just might take a while, and that’s okay. But based on how I felt after I un-friended him, I knew it was the right thing to do. He might see it as an immature way to handle it, but if he really loves me, he’ll let me go.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever deleted an ex from social media after breaking up? Why or why not? Did it help you?

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tattoos and piercings.

Okay, so I decided to switch things up a little bit. I’m sure you guys are tired of me talking about my non-existent love life. I decided to talk about something that’s discussion worthy…tattoos and piercings. I have neither, and it’s not because I don’t have anything against them, we just all have our personal preferences.

Let’s talk about piercings first. I don’t have my ears pierced. I don’t plan on getting them pierced because I just don’t feel it’s necessary. Plus, I hate needles and the thought of someone putting a gun to my ears makes me cringe. Plus, I wear my hair down most of the time, so to me, it’s just not necessary. Now, there are some who choose to get other parts of their body pierced and that’s okay, it’s your body and you can do whatever you want with it. But let me just tell you, if I came home with my nose, tounge, lip, and eyebrows pierced, my mom would kick me out of the house. Yeah, that’s how strongly she feels against it. I don’t think I could ever date a guy with a lot of piercings. To me, it’s just not very attractive. I’m not trying to offend anyone who has piercings. Again, this is just my own personal opinion.  I mean, some people actually look good with a lot of piercings, but for me, not so much. I would never get my belly button pierced because I have self-esteem issues and what’s the point in getting that if no one’s going to see it? I’ve never understood dermals, but I guess that’s a whole different story.

Now let’s talk about tattoos. With tattoos, I have a slightly different opinion. I think they’re actually pretty cool, only if they have meaning behind them. Now, I know that generally the reason why people get tattoos is because they want it to represent something or someone. But let’s take One Direction for example (yes, I’m a Directioner). Is it me, or does it seem like they’re getting tattoos just to get them? I mean, one or two is okay, but I mean, look at Louis! He’s my favorite and I don’t like that he’s all inked up now. I feel like they’re doing it just to break this “good boy” image they had when they first appeared on the scene. But it’s not very attractive. With tattoos, I’m not a fan of the whole sleeve thing and covering your whole body with tattoos, but if that’s what floats your boat, then hey, more power to you. I wouldn’t date a guy that had an “excessive” amount of tattoos, because again, I just don’t find it very attractive. If he has one or two, it’s fine. But there’s a line when it comes to me. Again, not trying to discriminate or hate on anyone, it’s just my opinion.

If I wasn’t so afraid of needles yes, I would get some tattoos. I’d get a cross and an infinity symbol. I know, it’s probably cliche and like everyone gets those tattoos, but they are of significance to me in a huge way. I don’t know where I would get them. I think tattoos are pretty cool though. Demi Lovato’s a perfect example. I think it’s awesome that she got the “Stay Strong” tattoos on her wrists because I know the meaning behind them. When you go through something, especially something that’s affected your life to a certain extent,  I think it’s important to have a symbol or reminder for yourself so that you can know how far you’ve come.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What are your thoughts on piercings and tattoos?

texting vs. talking.

So I’ve talked a little about this before, but I wanted to make a more detailed post about this because to me, this topic is pretty black and white, but I’m open to all interpretations/opinions.

Communication is obviously important in any relationship, and to me, it’s one of the most important qualities I look for. I’ve said multiple times that I am one of those people who feels more comfortable texting the guy I like as opposed to verbally talking to him. As an introvert, I am often self-conscious about how I come across to people…the spotlight effect is my worst enemy and I am always self-conscious of what I say and how I say it. For me, it’s easier to sit behind a screen, think about what I’m going to say, type it out, and hit send.

Now, I know that for any relationship to be successful there has to be verbal communication…or does there? I’ve previously mentioned the show Catfish on MTV. Couples “fall in love” over the internet…through Facebook messages, AIM threads, or texting. I’ve always wondered how that’s possible, but in some cases, this has proven to be effective.

However, for me personally, I don’t like having the deep and personal conversations through text. I’d rather be there with him so that I can feel that emotional connection. I am a very emotional person as you’ve seen or will soon know. When someone shares something personal with me, I want to hear their voice, I want to see their facial expressions, I want to see their body language. I want to be in the moment.

I’ve made it very clear to my friend that I’m not going to tell my stories via text. When I’m ready to share something really personal, I want him to physically be there. This is not only so I can emotionally connect with him or vice versa. Verbal communication is something I truly want to work on and become better at. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being able to communicate better through text or writing, or any other medium. But verbal communication is a must-have skill. It’s almost like you’ve got to be able to do both.

One of my friends made a short film on this concept. It’s basically about this guy and girl who are sitting across from each other, but they’re texting. Things begin to change when the guy tells her that he wants to be with her, and I mean really be with her…not through cyberspace. Towards the end of it, we see that they both have these machines connected to their backs, symbolizing that this generation is so infatuated with technology that we forget how to socialize in a sense. Once the guy and girl “disconnect” from their machines, they’re brought back into life and are no longer robots. It was really good and inspiring and definitely relevant.

My friend has expressed to me that he feels more comfortable talking through text than in person, especially when it’s about more personal. I think he’s kind of like me in that sense because he’s told me that all he wants to do is impress me and he doesn’t want to mess it up and all these other reasons. I thought that was cute, but I told him that he doesn’t need to worry about any of that. I am just as awkward as he is so there’s nothing to worry about. But I’m not going to force him to do something he’s not comfortable with. If he feels like texting me is his strongest way of communicating right now, I have to let it be. Hopefully one day, he’ll feel comfortable enough to not hide behind that screen.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do you prefer texting or talking? Is one better than the other? Why or why not?

the big “L”.

So since Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, I thought this topic would be very appropriate. Love is a very abstract concept, as we all know. It comes in different forms and each type of love we feel is different. It’s like that saying goes, “You never experience the same love twice.” I think that’s pretty accurate.

How do you know when you love someone? I’m asking all of you because I’m not sure that I’ve ever experienced it. I mean, I know the love from my family, but that’s a little different. I’m talking about relationships. Your boyfriend. Your girlfriend. When I was in my first relationship, we used that word so loosely and we never even said it to each other’s faces. Looking back on it, we both realized that we did love each other, it just wasn’t in the way I wanted it. At the time, I thought I loved him romantically. But now that it’s in the past, whenever I reflect on it, I think that when I said I loved him, I meant it as a friend. I wanted him to be happy, regardless if I was in the picture or not and to be honest, I still feel that way. I really do wish him the best and hope life’s treating him well.

Now I’ve got this new guy. We’re technically not in a relationship, but sometimes we act like it. I think labels scare him, so that’s why we’re taking it slow and just seeing where this goes. Some of you have directly told me that I love him…from the things I’ve written, the feelings I’ve expressed, etc. The truth is, I don’t know that I love him in that sense. I want to, but I don’t want to tell him that I love him until I actually mean it. To me, I’d rather hear those words once from someone and have him mean it, rather than say it a bunch of times and not really mean it…just saying it because it’s what I want to hear.

I’ve never told a guy I love him face to face. I’ve never expressed that kind of emotion towards a guy so I’m not sure what to expect. But I’ve always heard that you’ll know when you’re in love. I hope that’s the case. However, with that comes a fear…if it took me a long time to get over a relationship that shouldn’t have even been considered one, it makes me wonder how I will handle myself in this next relationship…new guy, new feelings, new chances. I know that with every relationship, pain is inevitable, but it scares me. I know I shouldn’t be, but no likes to have a fear of the unknown.

One thing I AM sure of is that I really like him. He’s literally the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last person I think about before I go to sleep (as a matter of fact, I had a dream last night and he was in it). I care about him a lot. It’s just a matter of time until something happens. I know I’m beginning to sound like a broken record repeating that over and over again. But he’s something special. I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life and although we may not be in a relationship, he’s my best friend, I can tell him anything, I trust him, and I really like him. The more I’m around him, the more comfortable I’m beginning to feel (like I can be myself). My mind has never been so consumed with thoughts about just one person before, so I think that says a lot. I would hope he feels the same way, but I can only speak for myself.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever been in love? What did it feel like? Do you think the word “love” is used too loosely in relationships and the dating world?

makeup vs. natural beauty.

Now this is a topic I’m more familiar with. As I’m getting older, I’m trying to embrace my natural beauty more. I first started wearing makeup in the 8th grade and haven’t really stopped since. I’ve always slightly struggled with the way I look, which stems from a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem (which, to this day, I’m not exactly sure where those issues are rooted). At one point, I couldn’t leave the house without putting makeup on and even if I didn’t have anywhere to go and stayed in the house all day, I would still put my makeup on. Ugh, right?

When I think about it, yeah I am somewhat obsessed with how I look, but I actually don’t think my makeup routine is all that intensive. My everyday routine consists of eyeliner and sometimes mascara. Being that I am Asian, I’ve found that eye liner and dark eye shadow really make my eyes pop. It’s so simple, but creates a HUGE difference (I’m sure you’ve seen those tutorials on YouTube about how much makeup can really transform a person). On occasion, I will wear lipstick and apply a powder foundation, but nothing too crazy.I think makeup is supposed to enhance your features, not make you look like a completely different person. I stay very neutral with the exception of lipstick. No crazy colors like blues, greens, pinks, purples. Very rarely do I wear false lashes. They’re a pain anyway.

I think I can speak for a lot of girls when I say we just love our makeup. It can get really difficult for us to accept our natural selves, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just takes some work and time. Am I still conscious about how I look? Of course, I don’t think that will ever go away. I’m not going to lie, when I like a guy, I will try to “spice up” my makeup routine and do something a little different to get his attention…but I’ve heard mixed opinions about this. I’ve heard that some guys actually prefer the caked on makeup, and there are a lot of guys that actually hate it when girls wear makeup because they prefer as minimal enhancements as possible. The former is just very superficial if you ask me…I prefer the latter. A guy who can love me despite the way I look…he’s a keeper.

Let’s face it though, we live in a pretty vain society so it’s hard to not be obsessive about the way we look…but that’s just it…it’s okay to use makeup to enhance your features, but don’t let it become an obsession. Don’t go crazy and let it consume your life because that’s when it becomes just a bit ridiculous. I truly believe people are beautiful in their own way…physically or internally. That’s what we should embrace.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Ladies, how much makeup do YOU wear (if at all)? Guys, do you prefer makeup on a girl or natural beauty?

the pressure to be skinny.

I’d be lying to you if I said I’ve never struggled with body image…I think EVERY girl has at least some time in their life. It’s difficult because unfortunately, we live in a society where skinny is considered beautiful. I would consider myself average. I’m not too skinny but I’m not overweight. In fact, according to the BMI, I am exactly where I need to be.

There have been certain things I’ve wanted to change about myself. For the longest time, my legs bothered me. I always wished they were skinnier. Yes, I was one of those girls who wanted the gap between her legs. I was first self-conscious about my legs when I was a freshman in high school. It bothered me that all of my friends had stick-thin legs and I wanted mine to look like that as well. Today, I’ve become more accepting about my legs. I still want them a little skinnier, but I’m not going to extremes to achieve it.

Another thing I’ve hated is my stomach. I’ve always wanted a super flat stomach. To this day, I am still self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit around other people, so I rarely go swimming when I’m invited. It’s gotten pretty bad the older I’ve gotten. When I was younger I didn’t care about any of this stuff. But now, I rarely go in the pool. I tend to wear baggy shirts or loosely-fitted tops to cover my stomach. I can’t wear anything that’s skin tight. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve never gone to super extremes to try and be skinny. One thing I did do was cut soda completely out of my diet and that actually worked. By not drinking soda, I lost a good 5-7 pounds. Plus it’s just better for your health anyway…soda has so much artificial sugar and the caffeine is bad for you (in large amounts). I haven’t had soda for over two years now.

Once the weather is nice again, I want to start walking/exercising. I usually do this around springtime. I’ll walk around my neighborhood or climb hills to work my leg muscles. I LOVE doing this because I enjoy the time to myself, and I’m getting in a decent workout at the same time.

I think there will always be a part of me that remains self-conscious about my weight. Like I said, I will never go to extremes to get the result I want, but as a girl, it’s hard living in a society where you’re judged by the way you look. I really am working on trying to accept myself for who I am, but I’ve still got a ways to go. But like I said, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that I HAVE become more accepting of myself and the way I look. But it doesn’t hurt to want to strive to be a little healthier…just as long as it’s safe.

-beautifuldarkmystery

How do you view yourself in terms of body image and how have they changed over the years? Has it gotten better or worse?

living straight-edge.

It’s a lifestyle. It’s a choice. It doesn’t mean I’m better than anyone else. This is the way I want to live my life. I’m not going to judge the people who don’t choose this lifestyle so they shouldn’t judge me for the one I choose.

What is the definition of straight-edge? In general, someone who’s straight-edge chooses not to engage in smoking, drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous activities. For some, straight-edge can be a little more extreme such as following a vegetarian or vegan diet or refraining from consuming caffeine or prescription drugs. For me it’s the former, so that’s what I’m referring to when I say “straight-edge” throughout the rest of this post.

For one thing, I care a lot about other people’s opinions of me. I realize that this is my life and I shouldn’t care about what they think of me, but for my whole life, I’ve been seen as the good girl…the one who follows the rules, never gets into trouble, and stays classy. I’d like to uphold that image not only for them but for me as well. Part of upholding this image also comes from the fact that I never want to dishonor or disappoint my parents. I want to prove to them that they’ve raised a good daughter who can make decisions for herself. I guess another part of it comes from being somewhat religious and I want to respect that. It’s just the way I choose to represent myself, not saying that it’s better than everyone else.

I think out of all my close friends I can think of, I’m the only one who’s never drank, smoked, or done drugs. Over the years, I think that this is part of the reason why most of those friendships ended. They all know I don’t do those things, so why would they ask me to hang out if that’s what they’re going to do?  Yeah, it sucks, but again…we all live our own lives and we all have to make these decisions for ourselves.

At times, it’s sucked being the only one in my group of friends who doesn’t engage in those activities. Yes, I HAVE felt isolated and felt that it would be much easier if I just conformed to their lifestyle. But every time I’ve felt that way, I stop myself and think that I shouldn’t conform to a certain lifestyle just to fit in. I want to stay honest with myself.

So for those of you who are like me, unfortunately, sometimes it will suck. People will call you boring or think you’re better than everyone else because you’re “pure,” but just remember that you get to choose the lifestyle you want, but don’t change it just to fit in with your friends. If you’re lucky enough to find a good group of people with the same lifestyle as you then hey, that’s awesome. It is what it is and I can’t be in control of everything. Life goes on.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Are you straight-edge? If so, how has this affected your friendships (if at all)?