don’t force what’s not meant to be.

So I was sitting here just thinking and all of a sudden it hit me…for someone who’s always been a planner, my life has almost never gone according to plan. Things didn’t happen the way I had imagined or hoped. I’ve always been the type of person who needs to know what happens next. Uncertainty freaks me out. But the more I go through, the more I see that things happen for a reason, even if they don’t happen the way you want them to.

From the time I was about five years old up until my freshman year of high school, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. Whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, that was my answer. I wanted to be a teacher because I always liked the idea of helping others. Growing up, I had teachers who inspired me and helped me. I just wanted to be that person for others. But I didn’t go to school to get my teaching credentials. I went to school for film, something on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Never thought that would happen.

I always knew I was going to college, no questions there. But I had no ideawhere. Even up until my senior year of high school when I had to start applying to places, I had no clue. My friends and peers seemed to have it all figured out and here I was, blindly picking from a hat (not really, but you get the idea). Ultimately, I chose the school I went to because that’s where my dad went and I didn’t really have anything else to go off of. I never had a “dream” school like most kids. I know that I would have made friends regardless of where I chose to go…but I wouldn’t have found the same people I did at my college. I made some of the greatest friends there and if choosing that school meant crossing paths with those people, then it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

During my undergrad years, I knew I was going to grad school…until I graduated and had no idea what I wanted to do. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure of myself. The hesitancy came from not knowing exactly what I wanted to pursue in film, or if I even wanted to continue pursuing it at all. I began to ask myself so many questions, which led to self-doubt and I ended up overwhelming myself. Since then, I’ve calmed down a but. I realize that it just takes time. I believe that, for right now, I am where I need to be, and I’ve been provided an opportunity that could lead to something else. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay too! I’ll just pick another route and see what’s behind door #2. To be honest, I thought that I’d have my life figured out by the time I graduated college. Nope. That’s not how this works. Some people do, and that’s great…but it’s not like that for everyone. I can’t even begin to express how much anxiety this has given me, but luckily, I’ve surrounded myself with people who have kept me sane and grounded…people who talk sense into me when I need it most. That’s what friends are for, right? Sometimes I don’t know how they tolerate me. Bless their souls haha.

I always thought my first relationship would be like the one you see in movies. He takes you out on a date, he buys you flowers, he tells you how beautiful you are. Well, sadly, it was anything but, to be honest. I remember feeling so frustrated that things were moving so slowly. I begin to question his feelings towards me, which didn’t make me feel all that great. However, at the time, I didn’t know that he was going through some things…things I couldn’t even begin to understand. He didn’t open up to me until after we broke up, and that’s when the fighting began. I remember I was so mad at him. But now I’ve finally reached that point where I can genuinely say that I am happy for him. It took a while, but I got there. Looking back, I see that he had to go through what he went through in order to get to where he is now. At the time I didn’t see it because I was so frustrated, but I was that person who offered him stability. I was the first person he chose to confide in, probably because A) I was the first person who deserved to know, and B) I was his best friend. So even though things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I can see that things worked out for the better. No, we weren’t meant to be together, but we were brought together for a reason. Our relationship/friendship served as a stepping stone in order for both of us to get to the next part of our lives. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen each other in about three years, and we talk only once in a while, but from what I can tell, he seems very happy and that’s all I can ask for.

What am I getting at here? Life happens. Most of the time, it doesn’t go the way we want or imagine. It’s great to have goals and have something to work towards. At the same time, it’s also important to allow things to happen the way they’re supposed to happen. Don’t force something that’s not there because you’re only wasting your time. You go through the things you go through so that you become a better person. You go through these things because life is preparing you for something greater. If the universe is giving me all the signs, I need to take the hint. Continuing to fight what’s not meant to be is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It’s just not going to work.

Life is a mystery and I’m beginning to embrace the beauty of that. It’s exciting and a little scary wondering where I’ll be in ten years. I can tell you where I want to be, but it doesn’t mean it will happen. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that I KNOW that things will happen for me. They may not be on my watch, but that’s okay! As long as I have faith that I will have a job, I will work for a great company, and that I will get married, that’s all I really care about. If it takes a little longer for me, then so be it.

I may never be able to change who I am because, well, this is who I am. I like to plan things. I like to know what’s going to happen next. But if there’s anything this life can teach me, it’s that I need to be a little more open to the ambiguity.  As much as I may not like it at times, this is what makes life so interesting.

Advertisements

head vs. heart.

It scares me how strong my feelings are for him…but I think it’s for real this time, that we’re going back to being just friends. At the moment, I don’t know that I can. How do I even get over this? How do I push past this and move on? Right now, that seems impossible. I just want to be happy again, and right now, happiness would mean being with him…but I know that’s not going to happen. On top of that, I can’t seem to let go of what’s happened in the past, things that have caused me to have trust issues with him…so even if we were to get back into a relationship, I DON’T know that I’d be happy. It really sucks and I’ve never been in a situation like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going home for a week and maybe this will be my chance to talk to some of my friends and find comfort. I’ve confided in a couple of people about this, people who I think understand me the best and can sort of advise me through all of this. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it. He’s always been so good with his words, saying exactly what I want to hear, and me, being who I am and the emotional person I am, took every single word to heart and believed all of it. I’m not saying that all of what he was saying was false, but it doesn’t help me now.

Right now, he needs to do what’s best for him, and I need to do what’s best for myself. He shouldn’t have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells whenever he talks to me just because I get super sensitive over stupid things sometimes…but at the same time, he realizes and knows why I get sensitive over all of it…because he knows what he’s done. Unfortunately, I hate to have this type of attitude, but it is what it is. I don’t know what it would take for me to get over the times he hurt me in the past. I don’t know that it would happen again because he’s been the one unsure of his feelings all this time. It’s that hesitancy that makes ME hesitant and that’s no way to start off any relationship. Some may ask, so why give him another chance if it didn’t work out the first two times? Well, to be honest, YES, it would have spared me a whole lot of pain right now if I just said no. But I’m the type of person that would rather go through with it than spend my life wondering “what if?”. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I had a feeling it was going to be different this time. And in some ways, yes it was. I do believe his feelings were real and strong towards me. Do I think he still has some of those feelings? Absolutely. We were both each other’s first real love, so we’ll never forget that.

A few posts back, I mentioned having a strong feeling that we’d end up together again in the future. It was a pretty strong feeling and I’d never felt anything like that before. But now that I’m looking at the bigger picture, the smaller that hope is becoming. I think we were putting too much pressure on ourselves in the first place, and I kind of felt it. I’m sure he did too. So that’s not to say that by taking this pressure away, things can happen more naturally…but based on our history and past experiences, I don’t see us having a successful relationship. So as much as it pains me to say it, we are better off being friends. But I just wish it didn’t have to be this difficult. I’ve never had feelings for anyone the way I have feelings for him. Like I said, it truly scares me. It scares me to lose him to someone else, it scares me that someone else can make him happier. And I don’t know if I can be friends with someone I am in love with…to watch him love someone else, that breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to move on. All I know is that I can’t let what happened happen again. I cannot let this consume me, to the point, where I sit in my room and just think about it. I’ve recognized this about myself and know it’s never good. So I need to try and stay as busy as possible…try to think of happier and more positive things. But I can’t leave myself alone with my thoughts because that’s when I get worked up over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. I feel like that gets me into trouble a lot of the time. We’ll see what happens. I might see him when I come home and we’ll just see how that goes. I just hope it’s not too awkward.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember your first love? 

heartbreak and regret.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. First off, I broke up with my boyfriend. I know, it’s crazy…we’d only been going out for a couple of months. But there’s more to the story. I am hurt, frustrated, lost, and regretful.

It all started when I came back from my trip. I hadn’t seen him for a whole month so I was looking forward to returning home and spending time with him before I have to move. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. Things started off great…he came over to my house the day I got back just so he could spend time with me. I had missed him so much and I’ll never forget the feeling I had when I saw him for the first time in 30 days. It was what happened after that was the beginning of the end.

A couple of days after he came over, I noticed we were a little distant. Okay, sometimes, I have a tendency to be really passive aggressive, and instead of telling someone what’s wrong, it translates into being pissed off. He brought up that when I get in moods like this, he doesn’t know how to handle it and it hurts him because he doesn’t know what to do…and that if it continued, he didn’t know how much longer we’ll last. Our conversations started to become stiffer and stiffer. (These conversations were all happening through text, which was not a good idea.) He also started saying things like he has doubts about our relationship whenever he doesn’t see me…meaning it gets difficult for him when we are apart. As he was saying these things, I started to become anxious and get way inside my own head, overanalyzing every little thing instead of just talking it out. As the week went on, I became more and more frustrated. On top of this, I was already dealing with other personal issues, so the timing of everything really sucked. I felt trapped and I had no way of getting out. We continued texting for the week and I was so paranoid that I kept asking him if this is what he really wanted. He kept telling me yes, but the way I was thinking was that he wasn’t happy and that he was staying in this only because it was what I wanted.

On Friday night, we met up and I ended up being the one breaking up with him. But the thing was, I just jumped to a conclusion instead of trying to talk it out like I wanted to. And I found out after the fact, that he had NO IDEA why I was upset. So if he didn’t know, how could he have fixed it? We were both upset. I broke down because I really didn’t want to do it, but I felt like it was what was best at the moment. We both left things on bad terms. Both of us were broken, hurt, and visibly upset.

I spent all of Friday night and Saturday morning absolutely miserable, crying my eyes out. I can’t remember a time I felt that upset over anything. It physically hurt, I could feel my heart breaking. I felt like I had no control over my emotions. And I think I felt ten times worse than he did because I was the one who broke up with him. I hurt him.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I checked my phone out of habit, expecting a text from him like usual. Sadly, there wasn’t one. I nearly went the entire day not talking to him. My mom hated seeing me so upset that it actually made her cry, and that didn’t make me feel any better about what was going on. She sat down with me and we had a talk. I decided I needed to talk to him again. So I texted him…I said I just wanted one or two hours of his time to really talk and we were originally going to do it Sunday because Saturday night, he had already made plans with his friend. But he said if I really wanted to meet up that night, he’d be there.

We met up, same time same place as the night before. He was very guarded when I saw him, which was understandable. I don’t think he wanted to give me a hug, but I gave him one anyway. Then we sat in my car and I started the conversation. It’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, but that’s exactly what I had to do…own up to my mistake, because I felt like I’d made a HUGE mistake Friday night. I told him I was willing to make some compromises and changes to make this work. There was a pause before he looked at me and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea. He said it was too soon and he was really destroyed Friday night. Yes, I was disappointed, but at the same time, I understood and he had every right to feel that way. But yes, I was hurt because I guess I was expecting the answer he gave me, but I was still a little hopeful.

He didn’t make me feel any better when he continued to tell me how the rest of Friday night went for him. He came home and talked to his sister and now she doesn’t like me very much. He said he was hoping that before we parted ways that night that I would have taken him back. That KILLED me because for the rest of that night, that’s all I wanted to do. I began to regret everything I said on Friday night, the way everything went down, the fact that I didn’t even give him a chance to explain his side of the story…and I ruined something good. We would have been perfectly fine if I would have just communicated with him on Friday night like I did on Saturday night.

When things got a little better, we ended up grabbing a bite to eat, and then we sat in his car for the rest of the night just talking and reassuring each other that we’re always going to be a presence in each other’s lives…that no matter what happens, we will ALWAYS be there for each other. We both agreed we’ve never fought for each other as much as we have for anyone else, and that what we have is something truly special. I almost felt as though we became even closer that night, no matter how much the circumstances sucked. So in the end, yes, we walked away on good terms, which is great because it could have ended a hundred other ways under much worse circumstances. But the fact that he was willing to meet up with me the day after I broke his heart and that I cared enough to reach out to him and talk to him and apologize for what I felt was a mistake on my behalf…that shows what type of relationship we truly have. We care enough about each other that much.

When we were just sitting in his car, it was a little rigid, only because we were used to being a couple and now we were trying to keep our hands off of each other. It was difficult because he kept staring at me and rubbing my leg as if we were still in a relationship. He’s a very physical person when it comes to that sort of thing, so his natural tendency was to touch me.

“What are you thinking about?” I said.
“Well, I want to say something, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to say it anymore,” he responded.
“Tell me.”
“You look amazing. That’s why it was so hard for me to look at you and say that I couldn’t take you back.”
“Oh, well thank you.”

We sat there and continued to look at each other. His hand was still on my leg. I put my hand over his.

“It’ll be okay,” I told him.
He gave me a look.
“What?” I asked.
“I really want to kiss you now and it’s taking everything in me not to do it,” he said.
“I know, it’s hard. Believe me,” I said.

To make a long story short, we gave into temptation and went back to being a couple for one more night. In hindsight, I don’t know that that was a good idea. At the time, I was thinking, well, it doesn’t really matter because I’ll be gone after this and I won’t be able to see him. But I shouldn’t have given him what he wanted because the next morning, he told me that this gave him closure to this step in our relationship. I kind of felt like if he didn’t want to go back to being in the relationship, I shouldn’t have let him treat me like his girlfriend when I wasn’t.

But now I need to move forward, even though it’s difficult at the moment. I’m a person who adores the small things…a good morning text, holding hands, cuddling, a kiss on the forehead…ALL of those things are the things I’m going to miss the most. I’m going to miss being close to him. I’m going to miss texting him all day, every day. I’m going to miss sitting on the couch with him watching The Big Bang Theory. I’m going to miss him telling me that he loves me. The sound of his voice, the way he used to look at me, like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m going to miss the fact that he remembered every single detail of our relationship, from the day I said yes to him, to the first time he told me he loved me. I’m going to miss everything we’ll never have…how we saw a future together, living together, growing old together, the fact that we both wanted to go to Disneyland together as a couple for my birthday…but now none of that is ever going to happen.

Before the night ended, he told me he’ll never lose hope that one day this could work out, but sadly, I think I lost my final chance. I forgot to mention that there’s a possibility he cold be gone for a year and a half starting next January, and a LOT can change in that amount of time. Feelings could change. But I can only speak for myself, and I know that I truly love this guy. There’s no one else I can see myself with. I love him so much I was willing to really make some changes in my life in order to make this work, but I guess at the end of the day, it wasn’t worth it to him too…not saying that he doesn’t care, because I know he does. But we are different people and maybe I’m too much for him to handle. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to detach my feelings because I don’t think they will ever go away. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years and the feelings are still strong; they just grew stronger once we were actually in a relationship. He will always have a part of my heart I will never get back…even if he moves on completely. I will always love him in a way I don’t love anyone else. He will always be that one guy I never lose feelings for. I know it may seem like I’m only saying that now because everything is raw and still recent…but I truly believe this in my heart…it’s why I held on for so long, it’s why I fought. The thought of meeting someone else seems unfathomable. I hate that I took away his happiness, I hate that I hurt him, I hate that I was the cause of his pain.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What challenges and obstacles do you face in your relationships? How did you work it out?

i just need to do it.

Why is it so hard for me to talk to him? What’s holding me back? I know what it is. My own fears are holding me back. I guess, in my heart there’s an answer I want, but in my head, there’s the answer I’ll get. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m sitting here wondering how he feels about me, when really, all I have to do is ask him. But knowing that the answer is going to be one I don’t want to hear, it sucks. I’ve been talking to friends and they’re all telling me I need to have this conversation with him. I guess that means I should do something, right?

I can’t believe I’ve spent the last two years emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t even care about me as much as I care about him. Or maybe he does, he’s just not as great at expressing it as I am. See, there I go again. I guess, there have been some subtle hints that he may still slightly feel the same way. For instance, the time I drove into the city with two of my guy friends and he made a point of saying that he was jealous that they got to spend time with me. Then there was the time he was hanging out at his friend’s house and he kept saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted me to be there, like it was pretty insistent to the point where it didn’t even sound like him talking. Maybe it wasn’t. O.o Then there’s everything that happened this summer…all the hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, etc. All the late nights, staying up until 3 in the morning texting each other. What does all of THAT mean?

Even though the possibility of him rejecting me is greater than the chance of him feeling the same way, there’s ALWAYS that slim chance that things could go right. Obviously, I won’t know until I have the talk with him. Why do I like to complicate things? I know I’m only hurting myself by doing that…

I KNOW I need to have this conversation with him. I’ve waited and waited for him to say something, and I’ve finally come to a point where I don’t want to wait around, I CAN’T wait around forever. I need closure. Where that will put our friendship, I don’t know. As much as I don’t want this to have an effect on our friendship, I already know it will. I’ve had feelings for so long that it will absolutely crush me to see him with another girl. He’s been such an important part of my life over these last two years, I just wish he wanted this as much as I do. I always seem to be the one who wants it more, the one who invests more…and I am ALWAYS the one who gets hurt in the end. But I am NOT going to continue to sit here and play the victim card. I need to stand up for myself and I need to say something, and when I look at the bigger picture, the truth is, I would much rather say something now and get hurt, than not say anything at all and always wonder “what if.”

This has been the battle in the back of my mind…do I say something and risk our friendship changing, or do I not say anything at all and continue this self-destructive cycle? As much as I want to put others before myself, I need to do this for ME. I need to reevaluate my own level of happiness and whether I’m truly happy. Honestly, it might be best if I’m gone after next semester. It’s not that I don’t necessarily want to get away from him, but I think I need time to detach.

-beautifuldarkmystery

untitled.

I wrote this a few days ago at 2AM…just thought I’d share it.

It’s nearly two in the morning.
If we were still friends right now,

We’d joke about how late it is for me.
That my bedtime was four hours ago.
But we are not friends.
My mind still comes back to you.
Why?
The silence is deafening. 
I just want to sleep.
Drowning in a sea of hypothetical scenarios.
What if I’d said this differently?
What if I did this instead?
What if I never said anything at all?
It’s a constant mind game.
Remorse, regret, repeat.
Over-thinking kills.
Clearly, you’re fine without me.
So why can’t I feel the same way?
I wish I could move on.
But I can’t. 
Something’s holding me back.
A feeling from my gut.
Not my heart this time.
Something is saying,
This is not the end for you and me.
Everything happens for a reason.
Well, it better be a damn good reason. 
I never thought we’d end up this way.
In a perfect world, I’d look at my phone,
And it would light up.
New text message.
My heart would race when I see your name.
I read it.
You say you want to make this work.
I say you have to show me.
Words are not enough.
So you come to school next week.
We have our first encounter since our falling out.
You don’t say a word.
Instead, you take me by the hand,
And pull me close.
As you wrap your arms around me,
I begin to cry,
Because I know I haven’t lost you forever.
And because I miss your hugs.
After all, they were my favorite ones.
You’d tell me our friendship means more to you
Than this stupid fight.
And we’d carry on with our lives.
In a perfect world, you wouldn’t give up on me.
I know you think I gave up on you.
But I haven’t. 
I’m still here.
Broken and bruised.
But still working, still hoping.
I know I shouldn’t expect anything more from you.
Actions speak louder than words.
And your actions have spoken.
But here’s the real battle.
I know you’ve moved on.
You have plenty of other friends.
You don’t need me.
So you think.
I honestly believe you need me
More than I need you.
Even though I know I don’t cross your mind these days,
I’ll always be waiting for that text,
A text I’ll never receive.
You may have put up the red flags,
Your actions contradicted your words,
But at the end of the day,
No matter how hurt I am,
No matter how how many people tell me
That I don’t need someone like you in my life,
I’ll always look for the best in you.
What does that say about me?

this sucks.

I know I did this all to myself…I really wish I hadn’t said anything to him so we could just get through the rest of this semester and then part ways “naturally” going into the next year. I know that it’s good to talk and express how you feel, but I can’t help but wish I hadn’t done what I did so that things wouldn’t have to be like this.

I keep hoping that one day he’ll text me…of if we’re at school, he’ll see me sitting outside on a bench and come over to talk to me. But I know that’s not going to happen. For him, it’s easier to just walk away and that’s unfortunate. What I don’t understand is how I still miss someone who doesn’t miss me back. It sucks because I’ll never really know how much our friendship meant to him because he never shows emotion and he doesn’t like to talk about deep stuff.

Yeah, I am kind of regretting opening up and sharing my story with him, but it’s done and I can’t take it back. He didn’t deserve to see my vulnerable side but I showed it to him anyways and now I’ll have to live with that. When will I learn? It sucks having to this class and see that he’s perfectly okay with us not being friends anymore. I try so hard to put on a brave face and not show him that I’m hurting because that’s the worst thing I could do…but I feel like he can read right through that and now I feel like he could be using that against me. This sucks.

There are some days I just want to take my brain out and get a new one so I wouldn’t have to think about things I don’t want to think about. As much as I try to keep myself occupied and focused on other things, my mind will always wander back to what happened between us. It’s the last thing I think about before I go to bed and it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up.

Well, I hope he’s happy.

-beautifuldarkmystery

my experience living on campus.

As most of you know from my other post, I pretty much had no idea where I wanted to go to college. I ended up picking one that was commutable from my house. However, my parents said it was okay that I live on campus. I decided that since this was part of the “college experience,” it was worth a shot.

Like most freshmen, I was extremely nervous. At the beginning of summer I got my room assignment and my roommate, we’ll call her Trisha. Trisha sent me a Facebook request and we began messaging each other to decide who was going to bring what to the room (refrigerator, television, microwave, etc). It seemed okay so far.

Before I knew it, move-in day was here. I was anxious more than ever. My whole family helped me moved in and once I was all settled, they left and that was it…I was on my own. Now, Trisha already had a year on me. She was a sophomore at the time and on top of that, she was from around the area, so most of her friends were people she went to high school with. It was totally awkward at first because I’m more of an introvert and I don’t like initiating conversations, but I tried to put myself out there, as hard as it was. At one point, I made an effort to ask her if she wanted to go to the eating commons so that we could get to know each other. We did, but were interrupted when one of her friends came and then they started talking.

I don’t know if it was that I had a gut feeling, but something was telling me that this wasn’t going to work out. If I were in her position and I was the older one and had a freshman as a roommate, I would help that person. But maybe that’s just me. She would often leave the room to go hang out with her friends or she would bring them back to the room. It started to become an inconvenience, but I didn’t say anything. Looking back on it, I should have talked to her about it, but you live and you learn right?

A week into the school year, I began to harbor all this anger, frustration, and irritation. I began to publicly blog about my roommate and I was stupid enough to link the url to my blog on my facebook page. So one night, she and her friends decided to “snoop” around on my page t “try and get to know me.” They found my blog and started reading all of the things I was saying about her. They weren’t too terrible, but some of it was hurtful, I’m not going to lie. It was a very stupid thing of me to do and I still regret it to this day. I usually went home on the weekends because I couldn’t stand living there. When I got back the following week, we had a talk and she was clearly upset and had every right to be. I couldn’t believe this was happening and I apologized to her. I think pretty much from that point on, I ruined any chances of becoming friends with her. We were pretty distant for the rest of the semester.

There was a point when I started to think that things were getting better. She began to talk to me more and we were actually getting along. Before we knew it, it was time for winter break. I packed all my clothes and all the things I would need. It was a much needed break. I never thought that my college experience would get off to a rocky start. I know it was my fault though. Over the winter break, I went through a difficult time. My mind went to a dark place and it wasn’t just because of the whole roommate situation. There were other factors playing into the picture.

When it was time for me to return to school, my mom suggested that I only pack a weekend back instead of moving all my stuff back in at once. When I got to the dorms however, I felt like I could move in the rest of my stuff so my mom helped me move back in. After she left, I was in my room hanging up my clothes. Trisha was sitting on her bed with two of her friends. After a whole ton of awkward silence, Trisha basically told me to move out. She asked if I could switch rooms with one of her friends (who was living in a single). I tried so hard not to cry and barely fighting back tears, I told them I would think about it and I left the room to call my mom. I completely broke down and told her I don’t want to live here anymore…that I wanted to come home.

Now, you would have thought that I would have went to the single room…I wouldn’t have to deal with a roommate and I could still be on campus. But that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just wanted to come home. This was all too much and too overwhelming at the time. I had never had something like this happen to me before. So for the rest of the year, I commuted from home and to this day I still commute. Not so surprisingly, my grades went up after I moved out and I’ve been doing much better. I don’t mind that I’m one of those kids living with my parents. I know eventually I’ll be living on my own, but for now, I am content with living with my parents. Plus it saves money because tuition is already expensive enough as it is.

I guess if you can take anything away from this, don’t hold your emotions in. If someone is bothering you, tell him/her. I know it sounds obvious, but when you’re like me, you find that it’s much easier to hold it in and just act like everything’s okay. But look at what happened. It made the whole situation worse. Another thing is, there’s nothing wrong with living with your parents for a few more years. For the longest time, I saw it as something bad because all my friends were living on their own and I was still living with my parents, but I’m not ashamed of it. Most of my good friends I’ve made in college all commute and still live with their parents. Things happen for a reason. But don’t think that just because you don’t live on campus that you’re some sort of freak. It’s normal. A lot of kids commute, it’s not a big deal. Sure, it’d probably be easier to meet more people if you lived on campus, but dorming isn’t for everyone.

-beautifuldarkmystery

If you go to college, did you or do you live on campus? If so, what was your experience like?