moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

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beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

well that was unexpected.

So, it’s been over a month since I talked to him…then out of the blue, after class today, he texted me apologizing. We had a short talk about how we’re both willing to move past everything that happened and try to be friends again. I made it very clear to him though that he has a lot to prove to me if this is going to work and that he HAS TO communicate with me, even if he’s scared of how I might react. It all comes down to this…I don’t like when people are shady. I’d rather have you be upfront with me than try and avoid the issue or brush it under the rug. He agreed. So we’ll see if his actions speak louder than his words. I realize he’s not completely comfortable talking in person about issues so if he prefers text messaging, I’ll have to make a compromise. A friendship works both ways. I truly believe the real ones survive the challenges and come out stronger on the other end. I honestly think he needs me more than I need him, but I’m willing to work with him to try and get back to that place where we used to be. It might take a while and I let him know that my guard is up and just because I’ve forgiven him, but words are not enough. A person can say “I’m sorry” a hundred times and it’ll mean nothing. He really needs to prove to me that our friendship is as important to him as he claims. So I guess we’ll see what happens now. I was definitely NOT expecting that at all, and I let him know that I appreciated the effort he made. I appreciated that he apologized to me again and made that initiative. There are just some people you don’t want to give up and regardless of what happened in the fast, whether we had feelings for each other or not, he was always one of those people and always will be…no matter what anyone tells me.

I’m still not sure how I’ll handle the fact that he likes someone else now, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I haven’t seen him around campus with that girl lately so I haven’t really thought about it. We’ll see…

-beautifuldarkmystery

What does friendship mean to you?

moving on.

Last night I was debating on whether I should give him a letter or not…I wanted him to know all the things I was going to say on Monday if we met up. I also wrote another letter apologizing for coming across so harshly with my words when I got upset with him. However, I also told him I don’t regret what I said. I can’t be friends with someone who won’t communicate with me.

I was so nervous this morning. I walked into class and saw him sitting at his desk, reading one of his comic books. I walked up to him, slid the note on his desk, and walked to my seat. From where I was sitting, I didn’t want to look back and see if he was reading it or not, but I really wanted to know. Here’s my reason for doing this. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I simply gave up on our friendship. I gave him my word and said I will always be here for you if you need me, and I never back down on my word. However, I also said that we can’t be friends unless we’re on the same page. I hope that one day we can reconcile and have things back to the way they were, but truthfully, that’s going to be a long, long, way down the road, if at all.

I think I would have regretted not giving him the letter because on my end, I wanted to know that I did everything I could to be a good friend, to SHOW him that I will be there for him. I would be a hypocrite if I said one thing but acted differently. I’m not a fighter, and I don’t like going through these fights with people, especially the ones I really care about. But I don’t think he realizes that the reason why I am frustrated is BECAUSE I care. But at this point, I can only control my own thoughts and feelings. The only thing to do from here is to move on and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It’s just a really sad situation. Here’s someone I truly care about and I want nothing but the best for him. Yet, he doesn’t even see that anything is wrong. To him, all of this is normal. I honestly don’t think he’s ever had someone stand up to him like this. I think he’s gotten so comfortable with sweeping problems under the rug, or he’s surrounded himself with people who act as though nothing is wrong. Now he’s lost a friend because of this behavior and to tell you the truth, I still don’t believe he’ll see anything wrong with it. In his mind, he’s probably thinking, “That’s okay, I’ve got plenty of other friends, this doesn’t bother me.” Well if that’s the case, then I really know where we stand now.

I hate that I care so much sometimes. For once, I want those actions to be reciprocated. I don’t think it’s much to ask for. I thought I had something really great with this guy, but now I’m realizing that his words were nothing but empty promises. I’m just hoping that all of this “bad luck” I’m having with friends means that God has someone really special and really important who’s going to come along and make me realize that all these obstacles and waiting was worth it. I’ll keep praying about it if I have to.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it right now. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed out about losing this friend. But at the same time, I’m also thinking, life’s too short to surround yourself with people that give you less than what you deserve. Truthfully, I do feel “happier” now that we’ve cut ties. I felt it, I the weight being lifted like I said, and it was like my whole mood changed. But of course there will always be a smal part of me that misses him because there was obviously something that attracted me to him in the first place. Plus we spent a really great year and a half being friends. Sometimes, you really have to think about what’s best for yourself.

These last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me because I was beginning to see his true colors and the type of person he really is. I wanted to believe his words, “I’ll always be here for you,” “You’re one of the most important people in my life,” “I value our friendship,” “You mean a lot to me,” etc. But actions will always speak louder than words. I’m the type of person who always strives to see the good in people because that’s just the kind of heart I have. I can see all these red flags, but still give them the benefit of the doubt. But I know at some point, I’ll need to come to terms with all of this and move on. Plain and simple. I will be okay and I am so glad spring break is just around the corner. The timing couldn’t have been better. I would hope that he thinks about what I’ve said during this week we have off and seriously think about our friendship, but I can already guarantee that’s not going to happen. From the patterns of behavior I’ve seen, he’s going to hang out with his friends, do everything he can to stay occupied just so he can avoid thinking about this. But I’m not going to even try to figure him out because I’m exhausted and it’s just not my place. I can’t believe I’m going to take advice from him right now, but when I was having a bad week one time, he told me, “all will be well.” That’s how I have to look at this situation. It’s his loss.

-beautifuldarkmystery