what to do.

So last night we were texting as usual and everything was fine. It wasn’t until I steered the conversation in another direction that the mood changed. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve had feelings for this guy for the last three years. We’ve tried twice in the past to be more than friends but both times never worked. It wasn’t until recently that we got into a relationship, but it only lasted a couple of months…simply because I was moving away, he might be gone for a year and a half starting in January, and we hadn’t had enough time to establish anything to feel confident in being away from each other for so long. Anyway, ever since we broke up, we’ve been texting, I’ve used FaceTime once, I’ve called him, and things seem to be going well. We started talking to the point where we felt like we weren’t really broken up, just taking a break. Both of us haven’t been in many relationships so we don’t really know what we’re doing or how it’s supposed to work, but we’ve been trying to make it work for the both of us.

So last night we were texting and I told him I was watching The Amazing Spider-Man on TV. He thought I was teasing him so I sent him a picture of my TV screen. Before I go any further, let me just say that he is a nerd, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He loves his comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, Superman, Kingdom Hearts, you name it. He loves it all. Ever since I met him, I’ve KNOWN how much all of this means to him and how important they are and I know they will forever be a part of his life. So when I told him I was watching Spider-Man, he said he was surprised I was watching it without him having to “force” me to watch it. I told him he’s never forced me to do anything. I was trying to be open-minded to the things he liked because I love him and I know how important all of this is to him.

Then, he kept telling me how he’s attracted to nerds and how by me willingly watching it made me more attractive to him. Then I was honest with him. I told him, that when we started dating, and even before that, I thought it would be so much easier if he could find someone who shared these similar interests because I KNOW how passionate he is and I know how exciting it is when you find someone who likes the same things as you and you can talk and talk and the conversation will never go dull. Then he told me how he met these two girls this semester who fit that description, they’re nerds like him, but he said they’re not me. I told him he should be open-minded and explore his options because you never know. Then he said he’s been talking to this one girl in particular and she’s become a really good friend of his because, and these were his exact words, “she is the female equivalent to me.” My heat sank when I read those words and I got really jealous. I told him I know I have no right to be because we’re not in a relationship anymore, but I couldn’t help what I feel. He continued to insist that he loves me and that he wants me, but at that moment, I couldn’t see any of that.

Then he told me that aside from that, I am his ideal girl in every other way possible. So I asked him in what ways. In the past, he’s talked about how much he wants me physically and I know that he’s said he wants certain things with me BECAUSE it’s me, but sometimes I get the feeling there’s more of a physical attraction from him than an emotional one and I am an emotional person. I value an emotional connection with someone when I’m in a relationship. He listed his qualities and they were all emotional qualities, which made me feel a little better. But still, I was more focused on the fact that he’s been talking to and hanging out with this girl and I have NO right to feel jealous. We are NOT in a relationship and I feel horrible for having these feelings, but it’s so damn hard sometimes….especially after everything we’ve been through.

He was starting to get tired so we ended the conversation there. He went to bed, I lied in bed wide awake. I hate when this happens because then my mind starts going into overdrive and I start thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking. But automatically, I started thinking of the time he told me he was going to go out for drinks with “a new friend” but he didn’t because he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea….then I thought about the time he asked me whether or not I’d want to know if he found someone new, if I would want to know…then I thought about the time he told me that by seeing other people it will make us stronger….and all of these thoughts flooded my mind.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past, I’ve tried to be more open-minded to the things he likes. I watched one of the Star Wars movies with him, I played a little Kingdom Hearts, I even read my first comic book. No, not all of these appealed to me, but at least I TRIED and did these things because I LOVE him. He knows that and he says it means a lot to him. I guess I just wish he would have done the same for me. But he doesn’t think like that. I mean, even if he didn’t like it, I wish he would have at least tried like I did. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words.

So now I’m torn. I know he says he loves me and wants me, but from my perspective, I feel like I’m kind of in the way. To me, having similar interests in a relationship is a great thing…sometimes I feel like if we did, maybe our conversations wouldn’t be so dull. So now I don’t know if I should start to pull back a bit…because for the last couple of nights, we’ve been texting each other like we’re still in a relationship. It hurts, but I don’t want to hold him back. He keeps telling me he doesn’t see it like that because I’m the one he wants and that he loves me, but I don’t know.

And let me just say something. A couple of years ago, when we admitted to having feelings for each other and wanted to see where this would go, I was working a shift at a film festival (I’m pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts), and he texted me asking if I thought we’d ever end up together…because he’d been hanging out with someone and felt like he was “betraying” me. No, we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t exclusive, but I don’t think he knows that that ONE incident kind of scarred me. When feelings get involved, it makes things that much more difficult. My feelings for him were obviously stronger than the ones he had for me back then so of course, the one with the stronger feelings is ALWAYS going to get hurt more in the end. I still remember holding it together until the end of my shift, then rushing back to my car and just sitting there and crying. I vividly remember that day, though I try to block it from my memory. All I’m saying is that I KNOW I’m having these feelings for a reason. It’s not just straight up jealousy. It’s more of a fear…because something similar to this has happened before.

Unfortunately, though, when something like that happens, I focus more on the negatives instead of the positives, which I know I have to work on. So I want to try and focus on the positives for a minute. He and I have grown super close, especially over the last five months or so. He’s opened up to me in ways he never has to anyone before. He feels like he can talk to me about anything and everything. I SAW how much he was hurting after I broke up with him. Thinking about that still rips me to shreds. I KNOW this guy loves me with all of his heart…and that should be enough. I’ve never felt such a tight bond and closeness to another human being before. We both have a strong feeling that this is not the end of our story…that there’s a place for us in the future, those were his exact words.

I guess I’m having these feelings because he’s always been good with words, but when it comes to SHOWING me that he loves me, that hasn’t been so high. He’s told me he’s not good with relationships and he doesn’t know what to do sometimes….so sometimes I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and claim ignorance. But still. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning how he feels about me. For some people, that’s enough…but I think I’m the type of person who wants to be SHOWN. I’m not a materialistic person, but if a guy buys me flowers, or even writes me a letter, or ANYTHING, it reaffirms that love. It’s not so much the materialistic part as much as it is about the THOUGHT behind it. I’m sure there are other girls out there who feel the same way. But that’s just not who he is. When I had my going away party, some of my friends got me gifts and at the end of the night he apologized for not getting me anything. I told him not to worry about it, but in my mind, I thought, even if it was just a card, that would have meant the world to me. It didn’t even have to have anything in it. But that’s just not who he is, and if I want to be in a relationship with him, I really have to take those things into consideration and really think about if this is what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I love this guy with all of my heart. We’ve both expressed to each other how strong of a hold we have on each other…and we both said to each other yesterday morning that we will always be each other’s first true loves.

There’s a part of me that truly believes that what he’s saying is how he really feels and that he is in love with me and there is no one else. But sometimes, me being the person I am, I overlook all of those things and focus on the one thing that should be kind of trivial. Yes, it’s nice to be with someone who shares similar interests with you, but that’s not what the entire relationship is about. Being in a relationship is about being with someone who makes you feel things you’ve never felt before…being with someone who makes you happy, being with someone who can’t stand to be apart from, someone you can be yourself around, someone you can laugh and cry with.

I’m going to see him in about three weeks so we’ll see how that goes. He also plans on visiting me in a couple of months, so that’ll be interesting. I guess, if I’ve realized anything after typing out my thoughts, it’s that I can’t focus on the future, I can’t worry about it because it hasn’t happened yet. However, there are things I need to start seriously considering if I want to continue a relationship with him. Can I live with the fact he doesn’t do the small gestures to show me he loves me? Can I live with the fact that he’s not great with relationships? Can I live with the fact that he doesn’t know how to deal with me or my emotions sometimes? Can I trust him and know that what he feels for me is true? Am I willing to accept all of these to be in a relationship with him? I am so torn because I am in love with him, but I don’t know if I would necessarily be happy. It’s about how much I’d be willing to give up to be with him…I don’t know.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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is it just me.

Or do you guys find it annoying when people “brush off” your interests like it’s nothing…I mean, I’m not saying they have to LIKE what you do, but I mean, a little conversation about it wouldn’t hurt. Once again, this shows me just how different “Tom” and I are. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was watching old marching band competitions (yeah, I was the band nerd in high school) and all he said was that’s cool. Then I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking at highlights from Comic-con. So I started asking questions…if there was anything good, how long it lasts, where is it held…even though I have NO idea about any of those things. And yeah, I told him he lost me for a second when he dropped his “nerd vernacular” on me. But still, he seemed to get a lot more excited once we started talking about something he’s interested in. Go figure. That’s how everyone is.

I can’t wait to meet the one person who will actually show an interest in my life. Again, not saying they have to like what I do or even know anything about it, but SHOWING that they want to know more…that would mean a lot to me. Maybe I just have really really really high expectations of certain people and I need to either lower them or “discipline my disappointment.” I don’t know, just a thought.

-beautifuldarkmystery

getting my friend back.

I feel like I’ve started to see this different side of him, now that we’re getting our friendship back on track. He seems more relaxed when we text and when we talk in general. I think it’s because there’s no added pressure of having to “impress” me, which is great I guess. Like I’ve said though, there will always be a small part of me that has those feelings for him because they were real. They don’t just go away.

The other night, we were texting each other and it was late at night so maybe it was because he was tired and stopped censoring/filtering his words…but I’m just going to put it out there. He called me sexy. Now, I know the general “rule” is that…if a guy likes you, he calls you “pretty” or “beautiful” or something along the lines of that. But I was completely shocked because this didn’t sound like him at all. Oddly though, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it a little. I mean, sure, it was probably meant in the “friendliest” way possible, but it threw me for a loop. Haha I guess it’s because I’ve NEVER EVER been called that in my life…nor have I ever seen myself like that. But I guess it’s kind of cool.

Anyways, point is, I’m glad he’s starting to feel comfortable around me. I’m not going to lie, I initially started getting into his hobbies and showing interest because I wanted to win him back. But now that I really look at the situation, I’m getting my best friend back and that’s all that matters to me. Some things don’t always work out the way you want them to, but I mean, if this is what it’s going to take for him to feel comfortable around me, then I must be a damn good friend. He’s even told me that I’m too good to him, but I take my friendships very seriously and if there’s anything on my end I can do to make it work, then that’s what I’ll do. So the fact that I’ve at least given this a shot and have shown genuine interest (because don’t get me wrong, I actually like some of this stuff), shows how much this friendship means to me.

It may not be reciprocated from his end, but I expected it. Not to play the self-pity card, but it is what it is…I am always the one who puts in more effort when it comes to friendships/relationships. That’s just how it’s always been. But I mean, on the plus side, he DOES make more of an effort to talk to me, so I have to give him some credit. It would just be nice if he showed a little interest in some of the things I love, you know??? But I don’t expect it from him. I just don’t, and I’m okay with that.

-beautifuldarkmystery

not trying to play the self-pity card here, but…

So he showed up…I was actually surprised. I guess this is what happens when you begin to lower your expectations of others. I’ll give him credit though, he did drive all the way over to my house just to hang out with me. He even said he was glad he got to see me, so I guess it all worked out.

It was a little difficult though, if I’m going to be completely honest. We were sitting so close to each other that all I wanted to do was put my head on his shoulder and hold his hand. But then I had to remember where we stood, and that it’s not like that anymore. I couldn’t help but notice that when I sat super close to him, he started bouncing his leg really fast, it’s like a nervous habit of his. I don’t know if it was because it was because he, in fact, does still like me but acts like he doesn’t…or he really doesn’t feel that way anymore and I was making him uncomfortable. Regardless, he didn’t move away. In fact, he moved closer. By the end of the night, we were arm against arm.

It just sucks because I’m genuinely showing interest in his world and I’m trying to show him that I at least care about what he’s passionate about. Yet, in the end, I KNOW that I’m going to be the one hurt, once again…because my heart is stupid and always dominates. When will I learn? Why do I continue to pine over the one I cannot have? I don’t know. But at least this one thing…for now…is bringing us closer together as friends, and if that’s all that’s going to happen, then so be it. I mean, other than school, we really don’t talk about anything else, which I find strange. So I thought that by showing interest in something he loves so much, he’ll feel more comfortable around me. But I don’t know why that is…why it’s so hard for us to be ourselves around each other. I almost feel as though it’s not normal.

t just sucks that once again, I’m the one putting in more of an effort. I mean, yeah, no one said I had to do any of this, but to me, being part of a friendship means being open-minded to different hobbies and passions. It means a lot to the other person when you show interest…that’s just common sense.

I feel like I need coaching in the picking friends department sometimes. 😛

-beautifuldarkmystery

a good “friend.”

You know I love my friends when I go out of my way to get involved with their interests. Yes, we’re talking about him in particular. Last night, I started watching his favorite show and honestly, now I’m hooked and I think that made him really happy when I told him. It would be awesome if he showed a little interest in some of the things I love to do, but I’m not going to force it on him. If he’s interested, he can let me know. But yeah, I plan on finished every season this summer.

To me, there’s nothing more beautiful than watching people talk about the things they love or are passionate about. I even told him it’s as if I’m talking to a different person now because this is his life. He loves comic books and super heros so it was as if the level of enthusiasm went up a few notches when I started talking about it. Haha. It was great though. I mean, I’m really trying, and despite things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, I’m at least showing him I’m a good friend by doing this. I just hope I don’t get hurt again by doing so…I need to keep my expectations low. I’d be a good girlfriend though, I’m just saying. Showing interest in his likes and passions. He’s making a huge mistake…

-beautifuldarkmystery