time heals, or does it.

I wish I didn’t get mad…because getting mad means I still care, and I don’t want to care anymore. I know it’ll get easier with time, but still.

frustration & pain.

Yes, it still hurts…I know I shouldn’t have feelings for someone who makes me feel like I always need to prove myself. Right now, pretty much everything he’s said to me is bull…I don’t even know what we were doing. If he got cold feet about being in a relationship with me I wish he would have just been honest with me.

I haven’t eaten for two days, including today, and I barely got any sleep last night. I wish I wouldn’t let things affect me so much, but I can’t help it. I still like him a lot, but how do I tell myself it’s time to move on? This is so conflicting I can’t even deal with this right now.

I think a huge reason why I’m feeling like this is because he really was the first guy I was able to develop feelings for since my last relationship. So it’s just not a great situation overall…


So I was working my shift last night and I got a text from him that basically said he’s interested in someone else and he wanted to know if we’ll ever be together because he feels like he’s betraying me by hanging out with this new person. I was so mad and I felt like it was a huge slap in the face…not so much for the fact that it happened (although that still hurt), but it was more about the way he said it. He knew last week was terrible for me, so I would have liked if he actually took my thoughts into consideration and found a better way to say it. Then, because I’m mad at him I tell him it’s fine and don’t worry about it and all he can say in response is, thank you for understanding. Really?

I’ve never had my heart broken by someone I never even went out with. I don’t even know what we were doing anyway to be honest. I feel like every time I start to develop feelings for a guy, something goes wrong. I’m not trying to be a pessimist here, but it’s sort of the truth. Of course, my immediate thought was, okay, now I’m beginning to have doubts about how you felt about me. This whole thing is my own fault. I always had a gut feeling that this would happen, I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to happen this soon. The sad thing is….I always knew he could find someone better, but I don’t even know why I torture myself. Why do I invest so many feelings into someone that can so easily dispose me? Someone tell me, how does that work?

The truth sucks sometimes. As hard as I try to not let this bother me, because this is something rather trivial, feelings were involved so that makes things ten times worse. We’re talking about a year and a half of feelings. I guess in the end mine were stronger than his. I was willing to wait for him to come around and feel comfortable enough to be in a relationship with me, but I guess that’s not going to happen now.

I forgot what this all feels like. The last time I felt like this was when my ex and I broke up. And now, when I’ve finally gotten off the ground and dusted myself off, I’m pushed down again. That was a real low blow. I mean, I’m glad he was honest with me and told me rather than have me look like a total idiot, confessing my feelings for him. But right now, I need to separate myself from him. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to see him. I need to detach myself and for me, this is the only way I can do that. It doesn’t mean we’ll stop being friends, but because I am extremely hurt at the moment and because I was dealing with other issues last week, this is what I can handle at the moment.

For a while, I forgot what it was like to try and put on a brave face when you’re upset. Not only was I doing my volunteer work, I’m in hospitality, so for the rest of my shift, I had to put my own feelings aside and smile like nothing was wrong. As soon as I got to my car, I began to break. I told myself, you’re better than this, don’t cry, he’s not worth your tears. But I was so frustrated. I don’t know how else to put it besides feeling like I was stabbed right in the heart. I guess what makes this all frustrating is that for the last four months or so, we’ve known we liked each other, but because we weren’t ready for a relationship yet, nothing happened. Every time I tried to fight the urge to tell him something “relationship-like,” I had to stop myself because I knew that by doing so, I would only get hurt in the end. But he would always say to me, “You can tell me whatever you want whenever you want, I don’t mind.” Why would I put myself out there if I know I’m going to be rejected? Why would I subject myself to that pain?

I don’t know if I mentioned this already because it’s nearly 3 in the morning and I’ve gotten four hours of sleep (I went right to bed when I came home from working my shift). But anyways, I sent him a message over Facebook last night and I re-read it over and over again before I sent it to make sure it sounded rational because I didn’t want to let my feelings get the best of me, as pissed as I am at him right now. Before typing this post, I logged on to see if he had written back to me and sure enough there’s a message waiting for me, but I’m scared to open it. After what happened last night, I’m already broken. I want to know what he said, but I don’t want this to ruin my day. I have to work my last shift today and if I don’t like what he has to say, it’s going to put me in a bad mood. Because I’ve had time to let what happened last night settle in, I think I’ll wait until I get home (but then I’ll be anxious the rest of the day). Man, this kid drives me crazy. How is it that I like him so freaking much?

They say that if you wait too long the perfect opportunity will pass you by and I’m afraid that’s exactly what happened. I’m afraid I waited too long and now he’s moved on. This is no longer out of my control because I can’t change the way he feels. If this is the truth, I need to deal with it and try to move past this whole thing. I just wish that for once I can like a guy and have things go right. That would be nice.