moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

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i miss him, but i’m still upset.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to talk to him after spring break, which, for me is in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to be mad at him anymore, but I want to give this enough time so that he knows this is not okay. It is NOT okay to play with someone’s feelings. I don’t know what his intentions were of telling me how he felt if he was going to move on so easily. But I miss him so much, yes, even though this whole situation sucks and I’m still hurting…I miss talking to him, I miss his hugs, I miss sitting next to him in class, I miss texting each other…I miss it all.

What is wrong with me? Is this even normal? I also feel bad because I’ve been taking my anger out on my mom. I know she cares and she just wants to help. Sometimes, all I need is to be alone and she refuses to let me sulk because she knows my thought process. Every time something bad happens, I do down “that path”. I can reassure her and everyone else that I WILL be okay. I realize this isn’t the end of the world, but I am so confused and I refuse to stop thinking about it…as much as I try.

I deactivated my Facebook account last weekend and I’m scared to reactivate it because I don’t want to see my worst fear become a reality. I don’t want to know anything about this girl. I don’t want to know any of it. But see, the thing with that is…how are we supposed to be friends if he can’t tell me about this stuff? It sure sucks when feelings are involved. Has anyone else been in a frustrating situation like this? Please, share your thoughts and experiences.

-beautifuldarkmystery