don’t force what’s not meant to be.

So I was sitting here just thinking and all of a sudden it hit me…for someone who’s always been a planner, my life has almost never gone according to plan. Things didn’t happen the way I had imagined or hoped. I’ve always been the type of person who needs to know what happens next. Uncertainty freaks me out. But the more I go through, the more I see that things happen for a reason, even if they don’t happen the way you want them to.

From the time I was about five years old up until my freshman year of high school, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. Whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, that was my answer. I wanted to be a teacher because I always liked the idea of helping others. Growing up, I had teachers who inspired me and helped me. I just wanted to be that person for others. But I didn’t go to school to get my teaching credentials. I went to school for film, something on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Never thought that would happen.

I always knew I was going to college, no questions there. But I had no ideawhere. Even up until my senior year of high school when I had to start applying to places, I had no clue. My friends and peers seemed to have it all figured out and here I was, blindly picking from a hat (not really, but you get the idea). Ultimately, I chose the school I went to because that’s where my dad went and I didn’t really have anything else to go off of. I never had a “dream” school like most kids. I know that I would have made friends regardless of where I chose to go…but I wouldn’t have found the same people I did at my college. I made some of the greatest friends there and if choosing that school meant crossing paths with those people, then it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

During my undergrad years, I knew I was going to grad school…until I graduated and had no idea what I wanted to do. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure of myself. The hesitancy came from not knowing exactly what I wanted to pursue in film, or if I even wanted to continue pursuing it at all. I began to ask myself so many questions, which led to self-doubt and I ended up overwhelming myself. Since then, I’ve calmed down a but. I realize that it just takes time. I believe that, for right now, I am where I need to be, and I’ve been provided an opportunity that could lead to something else. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay too! I’ll just pick another route and see what’s behind door #2. To be honest, I thought that I’d have my life figured out by the time I graduated college. Nope. That’s not how this works. Some people do, and that’s great…but it’s not like that for everyone. I can’t even begin to express how much anxiety this has given me, but luckily, I’ve surrounded myself with people who have kept me sane and grounded…people who talk sense into me when I need it most. That’s what friends are for, right? Sometimes I don’t know how they tolerate me. Bless their souls haha.

I always thought my first relationship would be like the one you see in movies. He takes you out on a date, he buys you flowers, he tells you how beautiful you are. Well, sadly, it was anything but, to be honest. I remember feeling so frustrated that things were moving so slowly. I begin to question his feelings towards me, which didn’t make me feel all that great. However, at the time, I didn’t know that he was going through some things…things I couldn’t even begin to understand. He didn’t open up to me until after we broke up, and that’s when the fighting began. I remember I was so mad at him. But now I’ve finally reached that point where I can genuinely say that I am happy for him. It took a while, but I got there. Looking back, I see that he had to go through what he went through in order to get to where he is now. At the time I didn’t see it because I was so frustrated, but I was that person who offered him stability. I was the first person he chose to confide in, probably because A) I was the first person who deserved to know, and B) I was his best friend. So even though things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I can see that things worked out for the better. No, we weren’t meant to be together, but we were brought together for a reason. Our relationship/friendship served as a stepping stone in order for both of us to get to the next part of our lives. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen each other in about three years, and we talk only once in a while, but from what I can tell, he seems very happy and that’s all I can ask for.

What am I getting at here? Life happens. Most of the time, it doesn’t go the way we want or imagine. It’s great to have goals and have something to work towards. At the same time, it’s also important to allow things to happen the way they’re supposed to happen. Don’t force something that’s not there because you’re only wasting your time. You go through the things you go through so that you become a better person. You go through these things because life is preparing you for something greater. If the universe is giving me all the signs, I need to take the hint. Continuing to fight what’s not meant to be is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It’s just not going to work.

Life is a mystery and I’m beginning to embrace the beauty of that. It’s exciting and a little scary wondering where I’ll be in ten years. I can tell you where I want to be, but it doesn’t mean it will happen. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that I KNOW that things will happen for me. They may not be on my watch, but that’s okay! As long as I have faith that I will have a job, I will work for a great company, and that I will get married, that’s all I really care about. If it takes a little longer for me, then so be it.

I may never be able to change who I am because, well, this is who I am. I like to plan things. I like to know what’s going to happen next. But if there’s anything this life can teach me, it’s that I need to be a little more open to the ambiguity.  As much as I may not like it at times, this is what makes life so interesting.

moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

i felt my heart drop to my stomach.

Normally on Tuesdays, I help out a professor from 1PM-3PM after my one class. However, this week, she told me to come Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I was kind of relieved because this meant I wouldn’t have to see him. He has a class around the same time I arrive at the building and he normally waits outside in the hall. So since I didn’t have to work for her today, that meant avoiding him…or so I thought. Even though I didn’t have to help her today, I still had to stay on campus to do an interview for one of my assignments. I took a different path than I normally did and I ended up walking right behind him. I know, just my luck. Anyway, I didn’t even notice at first because there were so many people (it was passing period so people were everywhere, going in all directions). All of a sudden I see his backpack and recognize it, then I look up even more and see that it’s him. He was walking with this girl who was wearing a black laced top and mint jeans. I couldn’t see her face because she was walking in front of me and she was wearing sunglasses. I don’t know if this is the new girl he supposedly likes, but I was CRUSHED. I literally whispered, “Oh s***” under my breath and I quickly tried to go around them, hoping he didn’t see me. When I got to the building my interview was in, I looked through the tinted window and I saw them walking. My heart began to race and I could feel a new wave of pain settling in. This is so difficult for me. For once, I really want the guy I can’t have. He doesn’t feel the same about me anymore and I don’t want to believe it.

I really wish I hadn’t invested so many feelings in this nonexistent relationship from the start because whenever there are feelings involved, you know you’re basically doomed. It’s my own fault and he’s tried to apologize to me thinking this is his fault, but I know it was my own. I set myself up for this one. This is the type of stuff you see in the movies, and now it’s actually happening in my own life. I don’t know how I feel about that. There’s so much drama but I don’t want to be involved.

And I know I need to stop comparing myself to other girls. I know there will always be someone better than me out there…someone smarter, someone prettier, etc. But I don’t know how to get over this self-confidence issue. I think because I was having issues before  I even met him, this just makes everything worse. I think I need to have faith now more than ever. I need to trust that there’s a guy out there for me who’s going to love me for who I am, with or without makeup, a guy who’ll see my flaws and accept them, a guy who will help me become a better person. I have to trust. I guess it’s just hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel right now because I’ve been so unsuccessful in this area of my life.

I really could use a friend tomorrow, so I’m going to grab dinner with one of my friends, we’ll call him Andy, after my last class. I just want someone to talk to and he said he’ll meet up with me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but the thing that bothers me the most about this situation is that I bet he (the guy I like) is not as affected by this as I am. He supposedly doesn’t let anything bother him, so I’m worried that he doesn’t even care that I’m not talking to him right now. I mean, he was fine talking to that girl today. I don’t understand how he can just move on like that so quickly. I will never be able to begin to express my frustration and pain. But I’m going to go to class like nothing’s wrong. I don’t want him to see me suffer because I think that’s the WORST thing I could do right now. It’s a good thing I’ve got other friends in that class I can talk to.

But I definitely didn’t like what I saw this morning. The thing is, I knew that I was going to be disappointed in the end. Our “friendship” was based on words…not actions. Now I’m paying the price. I’m so stupid sometimes, that I think that maybe I’m better off not being in a relationship. I mean, obviously, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I know that people say you find what you’re looking for when you stop looking for it, but this is driving me crazy. All I want is to have a guy in my life who will love me, treat me with respect, and shows me that he wants to be with me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

Now that I think about it, I’m noticing a pattern I’ve developed. This isn’t a bad thing, but I’ve noticed that pretty much every guy friend I’ve had in my life is gay. I wonder why this is…perhaps it’s because I know they can’t hurt me in that way. I’m going to be real for a second. I don’t think a guy and a girl can just be friends without one developing feelings for the other at some point (unless you’re in my situation, where that’s just not possible). That’s my opinion and I’ve got proof in my own life for justification. As much as I want to forgive “Tom” right now, I can’t, and I don’t know when I will. It’s not that I’m trying to hold a grudge or anything. I really want him to see that what he did was not okay. I even told him in my Facebook message that things will never be the same after this…no matter how hard he tries to believe that. I don’t even think he realizes that. Just because I’m mad at him right now, doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I’ll still be here for him, but I can’t be a friend to him RIGHT NOW. It’s just too painful.

As much as I don’t want things to work out with this girl, that’s not being a good friend. I know that if two people are meant to be together, they’ll find their way back. I don’t know what it is about him that I’m still so very attracted to, but I need to believe that. If we are truly meant to be together, then it will happen. But something is telling me that this is it. I’m friend-zoned from here on out.

Okay, this was way longer than I intended it to be. I’m so sorry. I really need somewhere to let everything out. I can’t keep my emotions bottled up any longer. I can’t wait to have dinner with my friend tomorrow, because I need this. I need to talk to someone and get some advice. I feel so lost right now.

-beautifuldarkmystery