can’t focus.

I don’t know know why, but I feel like I can’t focus at the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m coming off of an intense 4-day shoot. Maybe it has to do with other personal factors. Maybe it’s because I’m graduating college in less than a month. I have no clue. I should be doing my homework that I procrastinated on due to this production, but maybe I just need to chill out for a second a write about it.

I couldn’t be any more thankful for this opportunity I’ve been given this weekend to be a part of this production. Not only did I learn a lot, I also got to work with the people I started this journey with. I’m sad that my time here is almost coming to an end, but I’ll never forget the memories made with these people.

On the other hand, it was a little heartbreaking working with him…my friend I mean. It’s so sad to see two people who were once so close become so distant. It was hard being with him on set because I felt like he didn’t respect me at all…to the point, where I tried to keep myself occupied with other people and not speak to him. But I mean, that’s how life is sometimes and you just have to go with it. I only have a month left until I never have to see him again.

But I’m not going to focus on that. I’m really excited (and nervous) about graduating. I can’t believe it’s less than a month away. Time flies so I have to enjoy it while I can…because after that, everything is going to change.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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they say enjoy college while it lasts.

And it’s true…I can’t believe that in just five weeks, my years as an undergrad will be over. These last four years went by so quickly. I hate to sound cliche, but it feels like it was only yesterday that I was entering college as a freshman, scared of the unknown, worrying about having to start all over again…new place, new people, new school. While it did get off to a rough start, I eventually found my way and made some of the most amazing friendships, ones that I hope last for a very long time.

Now, as¬†a senior…those feelings are coming back to me as I prepare to embark on the next part of my journey…I will be taking a year off from school before going back to get my Masters. Yes, it scares me…it’ll be the first year I won’t be in school and on top of that, I have to try and look for work. To add to that I’m moving away, which means starting over…again.

But what I’ve come to learn over these last couple of years is that there’s no point in worrying over things I cannot control. The future is scary yes, but I have to have faith in myself that I will land on my feet…I’ve already started building a great network here, with people who would be more than happy to give recommendations for me. Sometimes life is about going beyond your comfort zone…otherwise you’ll never know what else is out there. That above anything else has been a challenge for me, but I’m hoping with a little more practice, I’ll be well on my way. But I need to keep pushing myself in order for that to happen.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the time I have left here…spent with friends, making short films, and gaining as much knowledge and experience as I can. I regret waiting until my last two years to get involved in the department, but better late than never, right? As I’ve said, I’ve met so many incredible people and have had the privilege of learning from some of the most passionate professors. I truly consider myself to be blessed.

– abeautifuldarkmystery

a nice little break.

I must say, being on spring break and not seeing or speaking to him…it’s refreshing and it’s been nice to say the least. Unfortunately, break is almost over for me and there’s no avoiding him once I get back to school. I haven’t thought about him, I haven’t gotten jealous over the fact he may be hanging out with or talking to that other girl. Not even a little. But when I have to go to class on Wednesday, that’ll be a different story.

By Tuesday, I’ll have about a month and a half left of school, then I can say goodbye forever and be done with him…for good. And I can’t wait for that day to come. I’ve never been hurt by the same person so many times and at this point, I can’t see myself being friends with him. It’s not fair to either of us.

I’ve enjoyed my escape from reality…but…all good things must come to an end, right?

– beautifuldarkmystery

high school prom experience.

While most young girls imagine what their wedding will be like, I imagined what my high school prom would be like. From what I saw in the movies it looked absolutely perfect…the handsome guy asks the girl in a cute way, she says yes, they coordinate their outfits, he dresses in his tuxedo, she gets her hair and nails done and then slips into that gorgeous gown, he arrives at her house with the corsage and drops his jaw when he sees how gorgeous she looks as she walks down the stairs. Their parents take a hundred photos of them, they ride in a fancy limo with a group of friends, and spend the whole night holding each other and dancing the night away. That would be ideal for me, but this is life, and sometimes things don’t always work out the way you want them. I was one of those girls who never got that “perfect” high school prom experience.

I’ve been to three proms…two were for my school and one was for a friend at another school and now that I look back on it…I really wouldn’t have missed out on anything if I didn’t go to mine…well besides spending an evening with my friends and fellow classmates. But they weren’t completely horrible, I still had a lot of fun, but of course, I wish it could have been a little better.

I can barely remember my junior prom. I didn’t have a date, but I went with a group of friends…and I’m not saying this is a bad thing. It can actually be a lot of fun if you go with friends, but the group I went with I didn’t know very well. There was one girl who was my friend, but the rest were all acquaintances. We all met up at a restaurant to eat dinner together and then went to the dance. As soon as we got there, we all kind of just split up. I found a couple of my closer friends and hung out with them the rest of the night. I couldn’t help but feel slightly depressed as I looked around the room and saw everyone coupled up. My ex-boyfriend and I split up way before prom so there was no way that was going to happen. He didn’t even go. But I made the most of the night…took pictures with friends, even came out of my shell a little and danced a little. That was pretty much the whole night for me.

The next prom I went to was for a friend of mine. We met in an ASL class at a community college and he asked me if I wanted to go to his prom with him. He asked me over AIM, which I didn’t appreciate, but it was the thought that counted. Me, being the introvert I am, it was a little uncomfortable because I didn’t know any of his friends and it was his high school prom. This experience went a little better than my last…we met at one of his friend’s house, I got a corsage and I gave my first boutonniere, and the best part was…it was on a boat! That was pretty awesome. When we got on the boat, I saw everyone all dressed up…it was like my high school prom but it was on a boat filled with unfamiliar faces. He introduced me to some of his other friends and I kept getting complimented. They kept telling me how pretty I was and it made me feel so welcomed. That night was fun, except for there were a couple of awkward moments because I think he liked me as more than a friend but I didn’t feel the same way.

My senior prom is probably freshest in my memory, and it was a little better than the last experience. One of my friends in band asked me. I was in the band room with a couple of my friends and he comes up to me and asks if we could go out in the hall and talk. I agree and as soon as we were alone, I saw his hands shaking and he appeared to be so nervous. He handed me a small bouquet of flowers and asked if I would go to senior ball with me. This is where I should have been honest with him, but of course, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings because no one likes being rejected so I said yes. The entire night was so awkward for me…and even worse, my ex-boyfriend was there, dancing with other girls…even though we both knew his secret. It was almost like he was trying to make me miserable, but maybe that’s just in my own head. To this day, I regret not being honest with this guy. I feel like I was THAT girl…the one who said yes just so she could have a date to ball and I feel awful about it. I even made an effort to find him the week after ball and ask him if he had fun and I apologized for being so awkward.

So, even though I felt like some of those experiences could have been better, they were still some pretty interesting experiences. This just goes to show that this is real life…in some ways, it’s not supposed to resemble movies because movies are made up. This is real. ¬†Nonetheless, I’ll take the memories and maybe they’ll make for somewhat good stories later on down the road.

-beautifuldarkmystery