Something profound happened today and I don’t know if it’s temporary or not, but I hope it’s not. Something spoke to me on the inside…it went straight to my heart. But basically, I had a realization that I’m holding on to nothing. The probability of me getting back together with him is very small. Like I mentioned in my last post, we’re complete opposites and it’s just not going to work out.
Anyway, my point is, often times, when we get caught up in something that seems to bring us so much happiness and joy, we sometimes forget to look at the bigger picture. Sure, there are lots of nice things, but when you look at longevity, how is this going to benefit you? Is it going to benefit you at all? When I take a step back and look at my relationship with him, do I miss the person or do I miss the feelings? Truthfully, I miss the feelings. He was my first love, so of course, this one’s going to be the hardest. It’s all I know. It’s the only love I know.
My problem is that I’ve wanted to be in a relationship for so long and I’ve wanted it so bad that I end up ruining it for myself every time I get into one. Not that it’s happened frequently. But I just need to chill out. Obviously, I am nowhere near ready to get back into one and it’s going to take some time. There are things I need to work on about myself before I can get back into another relationship. Then, when I least expect it, it will happen. I know because that’s exactly what happened before I got into this last one.
I’ve told myself a thousand times that I need to let go of him. I need to find someone who will treat me better, someone I can trust, someone I won’t have to worry about losing. I’m so afraid of losing him to someone else that it’s causing all of these unnecessary insecurities and jealousy and I don’t want any of those feelings. It doesn’t make me feel good and it doesn’t make me look like a terrible person.
The reality of it is finally beginning to set in, I fear. It’s a good thing though. I know the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes you have to say no to something in order to achieve greater. If I keep holding on to something that will never happen, how will I ever know what lies beyond? That is my worst fear with relationships…getting so caught up in something and holding on to it so tight that I put the blinders on and ignore potentially good matches.
I’m sure some of you have felt this way and can relate. Sometimes, I feel lost. Sometimes, I feel crazy. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or if I’m losing my mind. But I think after today, I feel a sense of peace…something I haven’t felt in a while. I mean, sure, it’s still going to hurt when he finds another girl, but I can’t let that poison me. I have to free myself of those bonds, the ones that have been preventing me from moving on in my life.
There’s a quote from one of my favorite authors, Mitch Albom, that I often see that relates to all of this. “In order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.” It’s a quote that’s stuck with me ever since and it could no relate to my life more than it does now.
At the end of the day, whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. The more I begin to distance myself now, the less hurt I’ll end up. It sucks always feeling like you’re the more vulnerable one…and although there’s only so much you can do to protect yourself, you can try to take as many steps as you can to lessen the amount of pain. It’s going to hurt regardless, but this is the only life we’re given. We need to make the most of it instead of staying in the same place. We need to move on. I need to move on.