moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

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move on or remain in the same place.

We can’t help who we fall in love with…sometimes it’s with someone who may not be the best fit for us. Unfortunately, this applies to my life at the moment. I honestly thought that him moving closer to me would make things a lot better and I’d look forward to it. But if anything, it’s made things that much harder. But there’s nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we talked about him. She said she doesn’t know what it is that I’m still attracted to about him. To tell you the truth, I don’t exactly know either. However, I think it’s more of the feelings I miss. I miss how I felt with him, I miss the memories, the little things, all of that.

But when I look at the bigger picture, we are complete opposites (hence, opposites attract, right?). We see things very differently. In my mind, I’m afraid of opening myself up to other guys or potentially showing interest because I feel like I’d be emotionally cheating on him…even though we are not together and we are not exclusive. For him, I don’t think that’s the case. For him, I think that not being in a relationship means he can do whatever he wants, which, yes, that’s true. But I don’t want to be someone’s option. I want to have more respect for myself than that. I need to have more respect for myself.

I hate that this still affects me. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. That’s what breaks me. I hate that I’m still the one who’s sad and upset about it while he’s perfectly fine. He probably doesn’t even think twice about it.

I do want better for myself because I know that I deserve to be treated better than this. I just wish I didn’t let him hold me back because I know it’s not like that for him. I want to open my heart again but I know I’m nowhere near ready. They say you can’t look for love, you have to allow it to find you. When the time is right, someone will be placed in front of me. But my biggest fear with this whole thing is that I remain closed off and hold on to the hope that someday things will work out with him. I’ll miss out on opportunities to meet and get to know new people if I continue to live like this. I’m sure there are others who can relate to this situation.

This has been a ticking time bomb from the start. I think it’s really starting to hit me that this is the beginning of the end. In my mind, I’ve already started to accept that it’s never going to work out between us. I need to let go so that I can allow for something better. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, because he’s not. I just need someone who’s able to provide for me what I need, and he can’t do that…even if he tried. There are parts of his personality that will never click with me and it doesn’t mean I hate him or dislike him as a person. I hope that, if we’re able to move past all of this, we can still be friends. But I see a long road ahead before that can happen.

The ultimate battle is head vs. heart. We’ve all been there before, we all know what that’s like. My mom tells me that one day I’ll wake up and I’ll feel different. It’s difficult to believe when my feelings are so strong, but I hope she’s right. I don’t want to hold on to someone who’s not going to respect me or my feelings…someone who can’t commit to a relationship. I know he has his reasons and they’re valid. But one day, I won’t be waiting around anymore. And it’ll be too late. And he won’t get me back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

just friends.

Is it possible to go back to being just friends with someone you’re in love with? For me, the answer is no…at least right now. We both knew the risk we were taking when we decided we wanted to take our friendship to the next level. It’s unfortunate our relationship didn’t last that long and that the feelings (on my end, at least) are still there.

A couple of months ago, we both told each other that we’d like to try having a relationship again. He’ll be living fifteen minutes away from me and it’ll give us a chance to rebuild our friendship. However, given the circumstances, it’s been difficult just trying to be his friend. I feel like I have been trying but it’s just too difficult for me right now. The littlest things he does upsets me…things that wouldn’t upset me if my feelings were strictly platonic.

I am home for the holidays and we’re planning on hanging out next weekend at some point…and that’s when I’m going to have the talk. It scares me because I’m basically going to tell him that I need to cut him out of my life for a while…it doesn’t mean this will be temporary, but trying to do this whole thing backwards is not making anything better. I’m hoping he will understand…but a part of me feels that he won’t. He’s going to see this as me giving up and abandoning him, which is not the case. The last thing I want to do is feel like the bad guy yet again. Sometimes, you need to do what’s necessary for YOURSELF and quite honestly, it’s been hard for me to accept the whole “just friends” thing. It’s not fair to me. I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes, you have to be a little selfish.

I’ve been trying not to worry too much about how this is going to go down because at the end of the day, I know I have no control over what’s going to happen. I can’t control how he’s going to react, what he’s going to say, or how he’s going to feel. All I can do is speak for myself, be honest (but not mean), and hope that there’s some level of a mutual understanding there. But, again, I have no control over that either. If he doesn’t get it…well then…

This is all a part of growing up. You have to go through these life experiences, you have to go through trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t work. The one thing I will not allow myself to do anymore is to sit and dwell on what I cannot change. I’ve found that the more time I have on my hands, the more time I have to think about everything…things I wish I could have done differently, feeling like I was never good enough for him…basically, thoughts I shouldn’t even be having. But, this is how I’m learning. The first one is always going to be the most difficult because it’s the only love you’ve ever known. You want to hold onto it because you remember the feelings you had being with that person and how it made you feel…how happy you were. I know that life only gets harder from here on out, but I hope that, with dating at least, it’ll get a little easier because I’ll know what not to do and how to handle myself in different situations.

– beautifuldarkmystery

heartbreak and regret.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. First off, I broke up with my boyfriend. I know, it’s crazy…we’d only been going out for a couple of months. But there’s more to the story. I am hurt, frustrated, lost, and regretful.

It all started when I came back from my trip. I hadn’t seen him for a whole month so I was looking forward to returning home and spending time with him before I have to move. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. Things started off great…he came over to my house the day I got back just so he could spend time with me. I had missed him so much and I’ll never forget the feeling I had when I saw him for the first time in 30 days. It was what happened after that was the beginning of the end.

A couple of days after he came over, I noticed we were a little distant. Okay, sometimes, I have a tendency to be really passive aggressive, and instead of telling someone what’s wrong, it translates into being pissed off. He brought up that when I get in moods like this, he doesn’t know how to handle it and it hurts him because he doesn’t know what to do…and that if it continued, he didn’t know how much longer we’ll last. Our conversations started to become stiffer and stiffer. (These conversations were all happening through text, which was not a good idea.) He also started saying things like he has doubts about our relationship whenever he doesn’t see me…meaning it gets difficult for him when we are apart. As he was saying these things, I started to become anxious and get way inside my own head, overanalyzing every little thing instead of just talking it out. As the week went on, I became more and more frustrated. On top of this, I was already dealing with other personal issues, so the timing of everything really sucked. I felt trapped and I had no way of getting out. We continued texting for the week and I was so paranoid that I kept asking him if this is what he really wanted. He kept telling me yes, but the way I was thinking was that he wasn’t happy and that he was staying in this only because it was what I wanted.

On Friday night, we met up and I ended up being the one breaking up with him. But the thing was, I just jumped to a conclusion instead of trying to talk it out like I wanted to. And I found out after the fact, that he had NO IDEA why I was upset. So if he didn’t know, how could he have fixed it? We were both upset. I broke down because I really didn’t want to do it, but I felt like it was what was best at the moment. We both left things on bad terms. Both of us were broken, hurt, and visibly upset.

I spent all of Friday night and Saturday morning absolutely miserable, crying my eyes out. I can’t remember a time I felt that upset over anything. It physically hurt, I could feel my heart breaking. I felt like I had no control over my emotions. And I think I felt ten times worse than he did because I was the one who broke up with him. I hurt him.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I checked my phone out of habit, expecting a text from him like usual. Sadly, there wasn’t one. I nearly went the entire day not talking to him. My mom hated seeing me so upset that it actually made her cry, and that didn’t make me feel any better about what was going on. She sat down with me and we had a talk. I decided I needed to talk to him again. So I texted him…I said I just wanted one or two hours of his time to really talk and we were originally going to do it Sunday because Saturday night, he had already made plans with his friend. But he said if I really wanted to meet up that night, he’d be there.

We met up, same time same place as the night before. He was very guarded when I saw him, which was understandable. I don’t think he wanted to give me a hug, but I gave him one anyway. Then we sat in my car and I started the conversation. It’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, but that’s exactly what I had to do…own up to my mistake, because I felt like I’d made a HUGE mistake Friday night. I told him I was willing to make some compromises and changes to make this work. There was a pause before he looked at me and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea. He said it was too soon and he was really destroyed Friday night. Yes, I was disappointed, but at the same time, I understood and he had every right to feel that way. But yes, I was hurt because I guess I was expecting the answer he gave me, but I was still a little hopeful.

He didn’t make me feel any better when he continued to tell me how the rest of Friday night went for him. He came home and talked to his sister and now she doesn’t like me very much. He said he was hoping that before we parted ways that night that I would have taken him back. That KILLED me because for the rest of that night, that’s all I wanted to do. I began to regret everything I said on Friday night, the way everything went down, the fact that I didn’t even give him a chance to explain his side of the story…and I ruined something good. We would have been perfectly fine if I would have just communicated with him on Friday night like I did on Saturday night.

When things got a little better, we ended up grabbing a bite to eat, and then we sat in his car for the rest of the night just talking and reassuring each other that we’re always going to be a presence in each other’s lives…that no matter what happens, we will ALWAYS be there for each other. We both agreed we’ve never fought for each other as much as we have for anyone else, and that what we have is something truly special. I almost felt as though we became even closer that night, no matter how much the circumstances sucked. So in the end, yes, we walked away on good terms, which is great because it could have ended a hundred other ways under much worse circumstances. But the fact that he was willing to meet up with me the day after I broke his heart and that I cared enough to reach out to him and talk to him and apologize for what I felt was a mistake on my behalf…that shows what type of relationship we truly have. We care enough about each other that much.

When we were just sitting in his car, it was a little rigid, only because we were used to being a couple and now we were trying to keep our hands off of each other. It was difficult because he kept staring at me and rubbing my leg as if we were still in a relationship. He’s a very physical person when it comes to that sort of thing, so his natural tendency was to touch me.

“What are you thinking about?” I said.
“Well, I want to say something, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to say it anymore,” he responded.
“Tell me.”
“You look amazing. That’s why it was so hard for me to look at you and say that I couldn’t take you back.”
“Oh, well thank you.”

We sat there and continued to look at each other. His hand was still on my leg. I put my hand over his.

“It’ll be okay,” I told him.
He gave me a look.
“What?” I asked.
“I really want to kiss you now and it’s taking everything in me not to do it,” he said.
“I know, it’s hard. Believe me,” I said.

To make a long story short, we gave into temptation and went back to being a couple for one more night. In hindsight, I don’t know that that was a good idea. At the time, I was thinking, well, it doesn’t really matter because I’ll be gone after this and I won’t be able to see him. But I shouldn’t have given him what he wanted because the next morning, he told me that this gave him closure to this step in our relationship. I kind of felt like if he didn’t want to go back to being in the relationship, I shouldn’t have let him treat me like his girlfriend when I wasn’t.

But now I need to move forward, even though it’s difficult at the moment. I’m a person who adores the small things…a good morning text, holding hands, cuddling, a kiss on the forehead…ALL of those things are the things I’m going to miss the most. I’m going to miss being close to him. I’m going to miss texting him all day, every day. I’m going to miss sitting on the couch with him watching The Big Bang Theory. I’m going to miss him telling me that he loves me. The sound of his voice, the way he used to look at me, like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m going to miss the fact that he remembered every single detail of our relationship, from the day I said yes to him, to the first time he told me he loved me. I’m going to miss everything we’ll never have…how we saw a future together, living together, growing old together, the fact that we both wanted to go to Disneyland together as a couple for my birthday…but now none of that is ever going to happen.

Before the night ended, he told me he’ll never lose hope that one day this could work out, but sadly, I think I lost my final chance. I forgot to mention that there’s a possibility he cold be gone for a year and a half starting next January, and a LOT can change in that amount of time. Feelings could change. But I can only speak for myself, and I know that I truly love this guy. There’s no one else I can see myself with. I love him so much I was willing to really make some changes in my life in order to make this work, but I guess at the end of the day, it wasn’t worth it to him too…not saying that he doesn’t care, because I know he does. But we are different people and maybe I’m too much for him to handle. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to detach my feelings because I don’t think they will ever go away. I’ve felt this way about him for the last three years and the feelings are still strong; they just grew stronger once we were actually in a relationship. He will always have a part of my heart I will never get back…even if he moves on completely. I will always love him in a way I don’t love anyone else. He will always be that one guy I never lose feelings for. I know it may seem like I’m only saying that now because everything is raw and still recent…but I truly believe this in my heart…it’s why I held on for so long, it’s why I fought. The thought of meeting someone else seems unfathomable. I hate that I took away his happiness, I hate that I hurt him, I hate that I was the cause of his pain.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What challenges and obstacles do you face in your relationships? How did you work it out?