history repeats itself.

I’ve been keeping a journal on and off for the last 10 years. It’s always been my way of keeping a written record of my past. I wrote about everything. Things I was going through, drama with friends, breakups, my transition from high school to college. Everything. It’s always been my safe space, where I can write and freely express myself. It’s the only time I really don’t hold back. It’s therapeutic. It’s helped me understand myself better.

I recently came across a binder full of old entries from my high school years, and all I have to say is that history sure has a way of repeating itself. When I started college, I was frustrated because things weren’t happening for me as quickly as I would have liked. I had a hard time making new friends. I lived on campus and my roommate and I didn’t get along. I was frustrated because I felt like my friends from high school had seemingly moved on with their lives and were fitting in well at their new colleges. They had no problems making friends and making that transition. I was hard on myself because I just wanted in, and my straight-edge lifestyle didn’t mesh with the college campus life. I found myself on the outside, desperate for acceptance.

There was one entry in particular I came across that talked about a conversation I had with my mom. I had told her how difficult this transition has been for me and she knew that I had a hard time adjusting. I know her heart was in the right place and she just wanted me to be happy, but she suggested that I drop out of my university, move back home, and enroll in a community college for a couple of years. I was a little shocked at my response (and so was she), but apparently I said something along the lines of, “If I move back home where it’s comfortable and safe, I won’t be able to grow. This is supposed to be hard. I need to go through these struggles…” Long story short, I ended up moving out of the dorms because that was an environment I knew I couldn’t live in for an entire year. However, I chose to stay at my university. I just opted to commute instead of living on campus (which ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made. Living on campus isn’t for everyone).

While I was happy I didn’t have to live on campus anymore, I was now worried about the next three and a half years because I thought that commuting would hinder my ability to get involved in the college life (as if I wasn’t struggling with that enough already). But, sure enough, when it came time for me to start my sophomore year, that’s when I met my core group of friends. Those were the people I hung out with and they were the ones who became my closest friends. And, guess what…NONE of them lived on campus. They all commuted.

The rest of my time at college was great. I had the best time. I met some great people and formed lasting friendships. Since graduating from college, I’ve found myself in a different, yet similar, situation. The transition from college to workforce. It hasn’t been easy for me. I haven’t been able to land a steady job yet, and it has me worried. I’ve been doubting the decisions I made in college. Maybe I should have picked a different major. Maybe I should have done this or that.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that I’m starting to overwhelm myself again. I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve seen my friends graduate college and they’ve successfully found work and are doing fine. Meanwhile, I’ve been at a standstill and it doesn’t feel like I’ve made much progress. It’s similar to how I was feeling when I started college. The frustration of seeing everyone move ahead while I’m stuck. I want things to happen faster for me.

If there’s anything I can take away from my past, it’s that I just need to give it time. I need to also remember what the past version of myself once said…that I need to face these challenges and struggles so that I can grow. If anything, I think that going through these struggles now will make me appreciate things more later on down the road. No one said it would be easy, and if it was easy, what would we learn?

It’s been an interesting day reflecting on my past, and I’m going to use that information to help me move forward. My problems back then seemed like they were the end of the world. I didn’t see how things could get better. I need to realize that just because things aren’t happening for me right now, doesn’t mean they never will. Yes, it’s frustrating feeling like you’re the one falling behind. It’s easy to convince yourself you’re a failure because of that and you’ll never be successful. But sometimes we need to take a step back, breathe, and chill out. As long as I am trying my hardest, there’s no reason to have any doubts.

beautifuldarkmystery

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dear diary.

This post may seem a little out of place, but oh well. Do you guys keep diaries? I’ve never been really good at keeping one. I would start, write five entries, then stop…either because I wasn’t interested anymore or I got lazy. However, this year, I’ve decided to start one again. I didn’t start at the beginning of the year, but I think I started a couple weeks into January and I have been writing in it at least once a day. I’ve decided that I want to have something I can look back on ten years from now and read what was going on in my life at the time. After all, this has been a pretty interesting semester so far…there’s a boy, I’m getting more involved at school with my major, etc. I can’t wait to read these entries later in the future.

I think that’s the beauty of keeping a diary or journal. I prefer to call it a journal because diary sounds so girly (I know I’m a girl, but still). We tend to remember moments, not days, so I’m hoping that by writing down something at least once a day, I’ll have more “moments.” Some may be ordinary things, but I’ll forget most of this stuff down the road and I just think it’s interesting.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do you keep a diary/journal? If so, how long have you kept it?

thoughts for the day.

So I’m sitting in the library right now…I have a 6 hour break, three hours are down, three more to go. It sucks when you don’t get priority registration or the classes you need are only offered at certain times. Anyways, that’s not why I wanted to write this post. I figured, since I have the time, I can do a little self reflection.

So basically, as far as my crush goes…I’ve actually kind of settled down for the time being. Over winter break I was obsessing over not seeing him and as crazy as it seems, 5 weeks DID make me crazy. I missed him so much and I know that if we really wanted to, we could have gotten together over break. I brought it up a couple of times but no one made the effort. I just feel bad because we live about two hours apart from each other and I don’t want to make him drive all the way to where I live just to see me. Then again, if he really likes me, he would do it anyway, right? Ugh, I suck at this sometimes.

Anyways, like I was saying…I saw him this morning in our class and we didn’t really talk all that much. It sucks because on Mondays he doesn’t have any breaks and so I only see him for that hour and 15 minutes and then we go our separate ways. But it’s weird…I feel so hot and cold with him. Like…one day I’ll really think about him and picture how things would be if we were in a relationship. Then there are other days where I just don’t see anything happening. I don’t know if it’s from a lack of “experience” in the dating world or what. But it sure gets a little confusing sometimes.

I think I’m just going to leave it alone for now…or at least until I can work up the courage and just say how I feel. THAT would be a HUGE step for me in terms of anything really. But until then, why worry about it…

I feel so paranoid typing this up in the library because I’m afraid someone’s going to just look over my shoulder and read everything. *dies* (not really). So yeah, that’s pretty much where I’m at now. Hopefully I’ll be able to get more in-depth posts but for now, I’ll keep it short and sweet. Hope everyone’s having a great Monday!

-beautifuldarkmystery

why i created this blog.

Writing has always been my form of self-expression. I’ve never been good with words or expressing myself verbally in front of others, but if you give me a pen and paper, it’s like I’m a different person. I created this blog so that I could get back into a routine of writing again. I know I’ll be busy with the semester starting up pretty soon, but I hope I’m able to find the time to start writing again…even if it’s simple stuff like how my day went. I feel like in order to start figuring myself out, I need to start incorporating journaling back into my routine. I find that when I write, I’m able to put certain pieces of the puzzle together and figure out what I’m trying to say or what’s making me feel a certain way.

I was a little hesitant first about opening up and sharing some of my stories publicly, but then I decided…maybe there are people out there going through the same things I am and sometimes it just makes you feel better to know you’re not alone. I won’t go into too much detail, but I’ll share what I’m comfortable with sharing. I may give advice, and sometimes I may even need advice. Feel free to leave comments on my posts if you have any questions or need advice. I get the feeling that most of the people that follow me here will be introverts like me, so let’s chat. 🙂

Not all of it will be personal. I will occasionally post some opinion posts for different topics just so I can exercise my brain a little. In fact, I’ve already started a list of things I want to talk about, but I need to space them out and not write them all in one day (as tempting as that sounds). I will post however many posts I want to each day, but not too many. Plus when school starts up again, I won’t have as much time. So feel free to follow if you want to read more. I’m not going to beg for people to follow me because quite frankly, I don’t think my life is THAT interesting. Again, I just want to create a place where people feel like they’re not alone and that they can relate to some of the things I’ve been through. 🙂

-beautifuldarkmystery