just a mild crush.

There’s been this guy lately…that I sort of, kind of like. We have a lot of mutual friends, but we’ve only spoken to each other a couple of times. Let’s call him Lewis. We had a class last semester and one of our mutual friends, Juan, was in that class as well. Juan had made it very clear to me that he developed a crush and liked me. I’d like to know what he thinks of me, but as always, I’m too chicken to find out.

Once Juan told me this, I began to pay attention to Lewis more. I noticed he would often look at me, a couple of times we made eye contact. It was all innocent stuff. We went the rest of the semester not really speaking. We just went to class and he hung out with his friends in that class and I hung out with mine. Just recently, we were both helping out on the same production, and I hadn’t seen him all break long. Anyways, again, we made eye contact, and later I passed him and we had a brief dialogue exchange.

I don’t know if we’ll have any classes this semester but I’m kind of hoping that we do. I know all of this seems pretty trivial and not that big of a deal, but I live for the small stuff like this, even if it’s not what I think it is. Aside from that, I’ve heard he doesn’t drink and is straight-edge like me, which is I guess part of the reason why I like him…not that I have a problem with people who drink, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to date someone who does drugs. Just saying. Oh, and we’re both graduating this semester…sighhhhh.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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done with finals.

This semester couldn’t have ended any better. I went to school this morning and took my last “final.” All I had to do was turn in my final piece and complete a debriefing exercise. That ended up taking a grand total of 20 minutes. Best way to end finals week! It still hasn’t hit me that the school year is over. It seems like each one goes by faster.

Anyways, both “Tom” and I had finals today…same time too, and I wanted to see him so I stayed until noon. Sure enough, I was sitting outside near the parking garage and he came up to me and we hung out for a bit. He was dressed up because he had a presentation and he looked really good. I don’t know why I keep torturing myself because I know he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. And I hate to make this sound even cheesier but the way the light hit him made him look even more handsome. I am so bad at hiding my nerves. I was very fidget-y and I’m sure he picked up on it, but I just tried to relax and have a normal conversation with him…and we did. I tried to avoid eye contact with him because it’s still kind of hard for me to be honest…but it’s getting better. I’ve accepted that this is for the best…I may not agree with it and have to fight my feelings at times, but I’m really glad we ended this semester on a good note.

We’re going to hang out in a couple of weeks because I started watching his favorite show and I suggested we should have a marathon. He agreed to it and…I know what you’re thinking and no, that’s not what I’l trying to do. I just want to hang out…as friends. You see, I think when there was that added pressure of knowing that we liked each other, it was as things were tense because all we wanted to do was impress each other. However, now that we don’t necessarily have that pressure, I’m interested to see how we interact.

I’m nervous to ask my mom because she knows everything. She knows he hurt me, she’s seen me cry because of him…but I’m hoping that despite what I said or how he’s made me feel, she’ll give him a chance. A part of me wishes I’d keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I’ll talk to anyone who’ll listen. But now I’m going off on another tangent.

I’m really anxious to see how this goes, but I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. We’re just friends hanging out. That’s it. So there’s nothing to worry about…right?

He had to leave so we walked to our cars together. Before we parted, we hugged…they feel different now because of all the feelings that have been involved, but it was nice. I got in my car and he walked to his. I had to get something out of my backpack so I got out of my car and when I looked up for a brief second and he was sitting there, looking at me. Then I drove home, listening to music that made my life feel like a movie. Great last day.

-beautifuldarkmystery

the end of the semester is nearing.

And I can feel it. Papers, projects, the rest of my midterms…I feel like there’s so much that needs to be done in six weeks. That’s it. Just six weeks left and it’s summer vacation for me. Wow. Where did the time go? I’ll save the reflection post for another day. You all know I’ll have a lot to say when the time comes.

My sister was on spring break this past week and it was great to have her home. She’s flying back tomorrow and then it’s time for the home stretch! It’s going to go by quickly too, I know. I really wish I would have been more productive over my spring break because I’m beginning to feel all the school work catching up to me. I’m simultaneously working on different major assignments in pretty much all of my classes. I have one more midterm (which is tomorrow), I have to make a business plan, I’m currently writing a 4,000-8,000-word Feature piece, writing a 12-pg research paper for critical studies in film, and breaking down a 116-page script for my final project in film management. Yikes. Talk about stress. I definitely wish I would have taken advantage of that time off, but now I pay the price. 😛 Lesson learned, kids. That’s why I haven’t posted anything for a while and it’s probably best I stay off of all forms of social media until after finals. I need to find my discipline again because this is unacceptable.

Well, I hope everyone had a lovely spring break and I hope you’re all well and life’s treating you just fine. As for my situation with that guy I liked, I am still finding it difficult to move on because there’s something in my gut telling me it’s not over…that there’s still a possibility we could be friends again. But, let’s not get our hopes up because we all know how that ends. I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy so that I’m not left sitting in my room over-thinking every little thing about that situation. I’m not going to lie though, the hardest part is when I’m up late at night, sitting in my room, all alone. That’s the only time I’m not doing anything and my mind is filled with all these thoughts. I know it’s like that for most people. But truthfully, though I haven’t completely let go yet, it IS getting a little easier with each day. Slowly and slowly. It’s a process. But I truly believe time heals everything. Have a great week, everyone!

-beautifuldarkmystery