it’s only a matter of time until we meet.

People say that you’ve got to have a little patience…that when the right person comes along, it’ll be worth it. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. I’m slowly but surely beginning to truly understand that and accept that. I want to be happy with the person I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to feel self-conscious, guarded, like I’m not good enough. And something tells me I’ll know when I’ve met the right person. I just wish I knew when. But that’s what’s great about life. It presents you with something when you least expect it.

I’ve been doing significantly better this week. I think I am finally beginning to accept the reality of my situation…that he and I are never going to be in the relationship again. I’ve tried to stay optimistic for so long, I’ve continued to hold on to hope, but I am only hurting myself by doing so.

I AM hanging out with him tomorrow, but it’s going to be different and I have to be conscientious of it. I know exactly what he’s going to say and do to reel me back in (because that’s what he always does when he feels like he’s starting to “lose” me or if he gets the slightest feeling that I’m moving on. If he wanted me, he could have had me…but yet, we continue to sit here in this limbo which has caused me agonizing pain, to the point where it’s affected me both physically and mentally. That’s not good.

The other morning, I woke up feeling different. I felt happy…genuinely happy. Despite whatever I’m going through with him at the moment, I felt a sense of peace. Now, I’ve felt this peace before, but this time, it felt different. It put me at ease and I had this feeling that everything was going to be okay. I don’t want to be a victim of this anymore. But I’m going to have to be the one to draw the line because if I don’t, he’s going to continue crossing those boundaries and I’ll never know where we stand.

I want someone who wants me. I don’t want to be an option. I want to know what it feels like to be somebody’s first choice. I haven’t felt that way yet, and maybe that’s because I have yet to meet that one person…that one person who’s going to change my life for the better.

I know you’re out there. It’s only a matter of time until we meet. In the meantime, I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, knowing that one day you will walk into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else. I truly believe everyone is meant to be with someone. It’s just that for some of us, it takes a little longer. And that’s okay.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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school starts tomorrow.

Is it weird that I’m excited? Give it a few days…then I’ll be saying something different. Haha. This break went by so quickly. I’ve been so busy that I’ve barely had time for myself…a possible indicator of what my future will look like? Yikes. The work is far from over. I have my second shoot this weekend, which I am kind of excited about. It’ll be interesting to see the different dynamics from set to set. I’m glad I’m getting in a lot more experience compared to a couple of years ago, or even last year in general.

I am looking forward to my schedule though. I feel like this will be an even greater opportunity to gain even more experience and that makes me happy. I’m going to be one busy bee this semester, but it’ll all pay off in the end…hopefully.

– beautifuldarkmystery

 

heartbreak.

So I was working my shift last night and I got a text from him that basically said he’s interested in someone else and he wanted to know if we’ll ever be together because he feels like he’s betraying me by hanging out with this new person. I was so mad and I felt like it was a huge slap in the face…not so much for the fact that it happened (although that still hurt), but it was more about the way he said it. He knew last week was terrible for me, so I would have liked if he actually took my thoughts into consideration and found a better way to say it. Then, because I’m mad at him I tell him it’s fine and don’t worry about it and all he can say in response is, thank you for understanding. Really?

I’ve never had my heart broken by someone I never even went out with. I don’t even know what we were doing anyway to be honest. I feel like every time I start to develop feelings for a guy, something goes wrong. I’m not trying to be a pessimist here, but it’s sort of the truth. Of course, my immediate thought was, okay, now I’m beginning to have doubts about how you felt about me. This whole thing is my own fault. I always had a gut feeling that this would happen, I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to happen this soon. The sad thing is….I always knew he could find someone better, but I don’t even know why I torture myself. Why do I invest so many feelings into someone that can so easily dispose me? Someone tell me, how does that work?

The truth sucks sometimes. As hard as I try to not let this bother me, because this is something rather trivial, feelings were involved so that makes things ten times worse. We’re talking about a year and a half of feelings. I guess in the end mine were stronger than his. I was willing to wait for him to come around and feel comfortable enough to be in a relationship with me, but I guess that’s not going to happen now.

I forgot what this all feels like. The last time I felt like this was when my ex and I broke up. And now, when I’ve finally gotten off the ground and dusted myself off, I’m pushed down again. That was a real low blow. I mean, I’m glad he was honest with me and told me rather than have me look like a total idiot, confessing my feelings for him. But right now, I need to separate myself from him. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to see him. I need to detach myself and for me, this is the only way I can do that. It doesn’t mean we’ll stop being friends, but because I am extremely hurt at the moment and because I was dealing with other issues last week, this is what I can handle at the moment.

For a while, I forgot what it was like to try and put on a brave face when you’re upset. Not only was I doing my volunteer work, I’m in hospitality, so for the rest of my shift, I had to put my own feelings aside and smile like nothing was wrong. As soon as I got to my car, I began to break. I told myself, you’re better than this, don’t cry, he’s not worth your tears. But I was so frustrated. I don’t know how else to put it besides feeling like I was stabbed right in the heart. I guess what makes this all frustrating is that for the last four months or so, we’ve known we liked each other, but because we weren’t ready for a relationship yet, nothing happened. Every time I tried to fight the urge to tell him something “relationship-like,” I had to stop myself because I knew that by doing so, I would only get hurt in the end. But he would always say to me, “You can tell me whatever you want whenever you want, I don’t mind.” Why would I put myself out there if I know I’m going to be rejected? Why would I subject myself to that pain?

I don’t know if I mentioned this already because it’s nearly 3 in the morning and I’ve gotten four hours of sleep (I went right to bed when I came home from working my shift). But anyways, I sent him a message over Facebook last night and I re-read it over and over again before I sent it to make sure it sounded rational because I didn’t want to let my feelings get the best of me, as pissed as I am at him right now. Before typing this post, I logged on to see if he had written back to me and sure enough there’s a message waiting for me, but I’m scared to open it. After what happened last night, I’m already broken. I want to know what he said, but I don’t want this to ruin my day. I have to work my last shift today and if I don’t like what he has to say, it’s going to put me in a bad mood. Because I’ve had time to let what happened last night settle in, I think I’ll wait until I get home (but then I’ll be anxious the rest of the day). Man, this kid drives me crazy. How is it that I like him so freaking much?

They say that if you wait too long the perfect opportunity will pass you by and I’m afraid that’s exactly what happened. I’m afraid I waited too long and now he’s moved on. This is no longer out of my control because I can’t change the way he feels. If this is the truth, I need to deal with it and try to move past this whole thing. I just wish that for once I can like a guy and have things go right. That would be nice.

-beautifuldarkmystery

college crush (part 3).

It was Thanksgiving evening. My mom, sister, and I decided to go Black Friday shopping (it was a first for my sister and me and we just wanted the experience…to see what all the fuss was about). I had been texting Tom that evening asking him how his Thanksgiving was and what he did…the usual stuff, it was very casual. Then out of the blue, he begins confessing his feelings for me. I got that feeling of being in denial because I thought, “This isn’t really happening right now.” I would have liked it if we had this conversation in person because I think it’s really cute when a guy confesses his feelings to you and seeing the look on his face as he does it.

To make a long story short, we ended up texting for about seven hours that night, a record for me because I’m generally not a texter. I couldn’t help but feel like we were that much closer now. Everything was in the open. That tension was no longer there and we could be honest with each other. He told me that he liked me the moment we interviewed each other for class that day and never stopped since and the reason it took him so long to tell me how he felt was because he was afraid of scaring me away and didn’t want to lose a friend.

It was one of those moments when I felt as though there was still a little hope. It’s always good when the feeling is mutual between the two people and it’s been a rare instance…a guy I like likes me back. He said he couldn’t wait to take me out on a real date and see where things go and I felt the same way. He also told me about this New Years party his friend was hosting and wanted me to go as his date. I immediately got excited because things were finally starting to work out. But of course, just when things start to go my way, something happens that makes me take a couple steps back.

-beautifuldarkmystery