no more regrets.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been back home visiting my parents. Feeling frustrated with no leads for jobs, I decided to enlist their help because obviously, there’s something I’m not doing right. They took a look at my resume and helped me polish it, as well as help me with interview role play.

They bought me an interview handbook filled with various types of questions one could be asked during a job interview. One of them stood out to me in particular…

“If you could start college all over again what would you do differently?”

According to the guide, the best way to answer that question is to say that you wouldn’t change a thing. Saying you have no regrets shows the interviewer that you’re sure of yourself when making a commitment.

For me personally, this is something I’ve been struggling with since I left college? Did I make the right choices? Would I have been more successful if I had chosen a different major? Honestly, none of this even matters because I’ll never know anyway. So what’s the point?

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but there have been many times I’ve regretted the choices I made in school. I thought that my major wasn’t something I was truly passionate about…that I chose it just to choose something and have a path.

But something in the last two weeks has changed that thought process. If I could start college all over again, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, I wouldn’t have formed the friendships that I did. I still graduated with honors, so what more could I have asked for?

The truth is that everyone, at some point, goes through that period of uncertainty…where they don’t know what they want to do in life. Maybe they’re at a crossroads and don’t know where to go next. Maybe they want a career change. We don’t go through life knowing exactly what we want every single day because life is constantly changing. The future is unknown. You can set long-term goals, but those could change. I’m not saying don’t plan, because ambition is a great thing. My point is that we all feel lost at some point in our lives, whether we’re 25 or 45.

I have to believe that I’m going to be okay. I’ve wasted so many nights having mental breakdowns because I don’t know what to do and I’m tired and done with feeling frustrated. Having my parents help me did give me a little more confidence. When I go back home, I know exactly what I need to do, and all I can do is hope that something will work out. It may not be my “dream job,” but at this point, I just need something to get myself on my feet.

Without pain or suffering, we cannot appreciate happiness. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. It just depends on how you look at the situation. I am thankful to my parents for providing me with an opportunity to get a college education. That within itself is a fortune. I’m thankful for the sacrifices they’ve made so that I can have a better life than they did. Now it’s time to show them my gratitude. No more wasting time and energy on petty things. I am stronger than this and I will find my way. And one day, I’ll be able to look back on these struggles and growing pains and count my blessings. Everything happens for a reason, even when we’re not entirely sure of that reason.

beautifuldarkmystery

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proceed with caution.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss him anymore. The truth is that I will always miss him, what we had, what we were…but it doesn’t necessarily mean I want any of it back. Learning to distinguish between the two has been the most difficult part of the process for me. For the longest time, I didn’t know if it was him I wanted or the memories.

There’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and wonder how he’s doing. There’s a part of me that wonders if he feels the same. We haven’t talked or interacted at all since we met up a couple of months ago. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t know why he wanted to reconnect and maybe that’s not for me to know or understand.

For the last four and a half years that I’ve know him, he is the one person who’s always found his way back into my life. It didn’t matter how many times I cut him out or said I needed space. I thought 2015 was it…everything was done and we were never going to speak to each other again. And just when I think I’ll never hear from him again, he pops back into my life. I guess life will always work in mysterious ways, and the people who are meant to be in your life will always be there.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t ever expect us to get back together again. I don’t even expect us to be close friends again. With everything that’s happened, there’s just no way. But I still find it funny that out of everyone I became friends with in college, the one person I had the most dysfunctional friendship/relationship with was the one who ended up moving near me. Weird how life works, right?

I firmly believe that whatever’s meant to happen will happen. Who knows? Maybe next year, we’ll rekindle our friendship again and actually be okay and be able to tolerate being around each other without feelings getting in the way or ruining things. That’s the thing about the future…you just never know. Just like I was 99% sure I would never see or speak to him ever again, there’s always that 1%.

I feel like I’m finally at that place where we can be friends again if time and life allow it. I will never close the door to our friendship, but I will always proceed with caution. There’s a saying, “Don’t run back to what broke you.” I know I need to be careful. There’s no way I’ll allow myself to retreat back to that dark place after we broke up. The most beautiful thing that can ever come from a break up is that you learn more about yourself. What you did right, what you did wrong, what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want, what you’ll compromise and where you’ll draw the line.

We may have only dated for two months, but it was two and a half years in the making. The feelings were there and we both knew it. But it doesn’t matter how long it lasted. I would have much rather gotten out sooner rather than later if I strongly felt like we weren’t going to make it. Does it suck that I didn’t have much trust and faith in the relationship from the beginning? Of course it does. But I would have rather known than to continue living life always wondering what could have been, especially since this relationship was the one thing I wanted most at the time.

I’m glad I can look back on how far I’ve come and know that I am okay. There are no more feelings of anger or resentment…..regret, especially. Everything happens for a reason. It’ll be interesting to see what the future has in store for us. Whether we ever rekindle our friendship or continue living life as nothing more than acquaintances. One of the weirdest parts about this journey has been that transition to being “strangers” again. When we hung out last month, I literally felt like I was sitting across from someone I didn’t know. It was awkward like the first-time-meeting kind of awkward. Yet, we share this past that cannot be erased, no matter how hard he or I try to block those memories out of our minds. Simply put, we’re strangers with history. And I’m okay with that.

If there’s anything I would want him to know, it’s that no matter what’s happened between us in the past and no matter where we stand today, if he ever truly needed a friend, I will always be there for him. I know I’m probably not the first person he would run to, but I will always be a friend. Last August we had a brief conversation through text and he said there were moments he was struggling and having a difficult time and wanted to reach out to me. I never said this to him, but it was nice to hear. To know that he still needed me and wanted that friendship meant something to me.

But anyway, I’ve gone on long enough. I’ll end with this. I firmly believe that you meet people for a reason, and the ones who are meant to be in your life will always find their way back, no matter how far they wander. It’ll be interesting to see where life takes us a year from now, five years from now…but you can guarantee I’ll have something to say about it when the time comes.

beautifuldarkmystery

“somewhere, someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.”

It’s a simple quote, yet had a profound effect on me. Yes, it’s crazy to think about, but I wonder if this is true. Too often we find ourselves trying to fit into a certain mold because it’s what that person likes. I know you’re supposed to be yourself, but sometimes we can’t help it. We want to impress this guy or girl so much that we just get caught up in trying to make an impression.

I think it would be amazing to find someone who accepts me for who I am…my past, my flaws, my insecurities. Someone who genuinely wants to be there for me and show that he cares. Someone who will pick up the phone at 2AM and talk to me when I can’t sleep. Someone who will just listen and hold me when I’m having a bad day. I’m not saying he has to drop everything just to be there for me, but yeah, every once in a while, it would be nice. A simple reminder that he cares.

It’s crazy to think that there’s possibly a guy out there who wants everything I have to offer. Maybe I haven’t met him yet, maybe I have. Who knows? The future is a crazy thing to think about because of its uncertainty. But it’s because of the uncertainty that makes it sort of thrilling, don’t you think? For someone who is such a planner and likes to think ahead, the future is my worst enemy haha. But it’s just a thought I wanted to share. I’ve seen that quote a couple of times before, but it wasn’t until I read it this time that I actually thought about it.

-beautifuldarkmystery