i miss him.

I guess this is all part of the vicious cycle of trying to get over someone. I woke up this morning and started having all these flashbacks of him…all good ones. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to move on, but your mind keeps wandering back to those familiar places. I’ve been so tempted to text him lately, but I know that’s not what’s best for me at the moment. I’m trying to limit my contact with him.

It’s unfortunate that this is how things have to be, but I mean, it was inevitable. How distant he was on my birthday was somewhat of a reality check. THIS is our reality now. It’s so frustrating when you think someone wants the relationship, but in the end, he backs out because he’s “too afraid of ruining the friendship.” Is that really the case though?

I’ve had plenty of input on this situation, some from my guy friends (you wouldn’t believe how much that helps sometimes). At the end of the day, I am only in control of my own feelings. I don’t know what he’s really thinking or what he really wants. And as much as I miss him, I can’t go running back to him the minute I feel this way. I need to have more power and control. I want HIM to feel like he’s the one who’s going to regret this. Not the other way around.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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holding hands.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve noticed this with pretty much every couple I see around school. The guy and girl will be holding hands, but very often, I see the guy’s hand almost just dangling, while the girl is holding on. Personally, I LOVE it when a guy holds hands back because to me that says, “I am so happy to be with you and I don’t want to let you go.” It’s very rare that I actually see the two people holding hands, but maybe I’m just weird for observing such a thing?

When my ex and I were going out, it took him a while before he was able to hold my hand without being scared and when he did, I was the happiest girl in the world. He wasn’t so hesitant after that time obviously and it was nice. If we were at a movie, he would sometimes massage my fingers as he held my hand. If we were walking or standing, he’d just reach for my hand and never let go.

There’s something about holding hands that just gets me and I don’t know what it is. Not only does it mean that he wants me, but I also feel a sense of security. I also love when it happens out of nowhere. For example, I was walking with my friend (again, we’ll call him Tom…and this is the same Tom from the other posts I mention him in). We were walking next to each other and I freed up the hand that was next to him on purpose because I hoped he would hold my hand. Sure enough, as we were walking, he gently grabs my hand and we look at each other and just smile. I hate to sound all cheesy and stuff but it just felt right…like his hand fit perfectly in mine. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Holding hands is also a sign of status…as we walked hand-in-hand across campus, people would know we were together because we were linked together. I’m usually not all into PDA and stuff like that, but I must admit, it was nice for a change. What was even cuter was about a week later, we were texting and he randomly brought up that night. He said he was just thinking about when he held my hand…how nervous he was before and how happy he was after. I just thought that was the cutest thing ever.

I love when a guy is not afraid to hold a girl’s hand in public. That’s a huge thing for me. If a guy asks me to be his girlfriend, I want him to be proud that I’m that girl…not feel embarrassed. I want him to do it because he wants to and that he’s happy we’re together. I’m not saying it has to be PDA to the max, but it means a lot for girls, especially me. But that’s just my personal opinion.

Even though it’s a pretty simple gesture, it’s still pretty powerful. For me, it will always be one of the little things I love. I think I love it because of its simplicity, but it still has meaning. I can’t wait for my next relationship because I want those butterflies again. Holding hands…a simple, nonverbal way of letting everyone know you two are together.

-beautifuldarkmystery

high school prom experience.

While most young girls imagine what their wedding will be like, I imagined what my high school prom would be like. From what I saw in the movies it looked absolutely perfect…the handsome guy asks the girl in a cute way, she says yes, they coordinate their outfits, he dresses in his tuxedo, she gets her hair and nails done and then slips into that gorgeous gown, he arrives at her house with the corsage and drops his jaw when he sees how gorgeous she looks as she walks down the stairs. Their parents take a hundred photos of them, they ride in a fancy limo with a group of friends, and spend the whole night holding each other and dancing the night away. That would be ideal for me, but this is life, and sometimes things don’t always work out the way you want them. I was one of those girls who never got that “perfect” high school prom experience.

I’ve been to three proms…two were for my school and one was for a friend at another school and now that I look back on it…I really wouldn’t have missed out on anything if I didn’t go to mine…well besides spending an evening with my friends and fellow classmates. But they weren’t completely horrible, I still had a lot of fun, but of course, I wish it could have been a little better.

I can barely remember my junior prom. I didn’t have a date, but I went with a group of friends…and I’m not saying this is a bad thing. It can actually be a lot of fun if you go with friends, but the group I went with I didn’t know very well. There was one girl who was my friend, but the rest were all acquaintances. We all met up at a restaurant to eat dinner together and then went to the dance. As soon as we got there, we all kind of just split up. I found a couple of my closer friends and hung out with them the rest of the night. I couldn’t help but feel slightly depressed as I looked around the room and saw everyone coupled up. My ex-boyfriend and I split up way before prom so there was no way that was going to happen. He didn’t even go. But I made the most of the night…took pictures with friends, even came out of my shell a little and danced a little. That was pretty much the whole night for me.

The next prom I went to was for a friend of mine. We met in an ASL class at a community college and he asked me if I wanted to go to his prom with him. He asked me over AIM, which I didn’t appreciate, but it was the thought that counted. Me, being the introvert I am, it was a little uncomfortable because I didn’t know any of his friends and it was his high school prom. This experience went a little better than my last…we met at one of his friend’s house, I got a corsage and I gave my first boutonniere, and the best part was…it was on a boat! That was pretty awesome. When we got on the boat, I saw everyone all dressed up…it was like my high school prom but it was on a boat filled with unfamiliar faces. He introduced me to some of his other friends and I kept getting complimented. They kept telling me how pretty I was and it made me feel so welcomed. That night was fun, except for there were a couple of awkward moments because I think he liked me as more than a friend but I didn’t feel the same way.

My senior prom is probably freshest in my memory, and it was a little better than the last experience. One of my friends in band asked me. I was in the band room with a couple of my friends and he comes up to me and asks if we could go out in the hall and talk. I agree and as soon as we were alone, I saw his hands shaking and he appeared to be so nervous. He handed me a small bouquet of flowers and asked if I would go to senior ball with me. This is where I should have been honest with him, but of course, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings because no one likes being rejected so I said yes. The entire night was so awkward for me…and even worse, my ex-boyfriend was there, dancing with other girls…even though we both knew his secret. It was almost like he was trying to make me miserable, but maybe that’s just in my own head. To this day, I regret not being honest with this guy. I feel like I was THAT girl…the one who said yes just so she could have a date to ball and I feel awful about it. I even made an effort to find him the week after ball and ask him if he had fun and I apologized for being so awkward.

So, even though I felt like some of those experiences could have been better, they were still some pretty interesting experiences. This just goes to show that this is real life…in some ways, it’s not supposed to resemble movies because movies are made up. This is real. ┬áNonetheless, I’ll take the memories and maybe they’ll make for somewhat good stories later on down the road.

-beautifuldarkmystery