do it for you and not anyone else.

The older I get, the more I’m learning about myself. But that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Well, right now I’m in a situation where I don’t really know what I want to do with my life or what direction I want to go. I thought I did, but I’m lacking that fire, the passion that everyone around me has.

I recently applied for a job that I really want. I have not heard back from them yet, but if I do hear from them, it should be some time soon. The weird thing is that I haven’t wanted something so badly in such a long time. I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with this because I have not been looking at other jobs, I haven’t applied anywhere else. I know it’s crazy, but I want to hear from them first.

One of the main reasons why I want this job is because I want to push myself. I’ve always been a quiet and passive person, and I’ve heard that those qualities are ones you’re born with and can’t change, but I believe I can. By no means is it going to be easy…because what may come easily to others does not come as easily to me…but I know that if I really push myself outside my comfort zone, I can achieve what I consider impossible.

It’s one thing I’ve learned from past internships. I’ve surprised myself and done things I never thought I could do. It’s all about how much you want it and how far you’re willing to push yourself. It was very uncomfortable for me…something as easy as talking over a walkie to yelling and being loud (something I’m definitely not used to), but I did it enough times and it became comfortable. With practice, I felt more and more confident.

I’ve always been the type of person to believe when someone tells me I can’t do something. It’s a terrible mindset to have and I know I’ll never achieve anything with that kind of attitude. But as I’m growing older, I’m learning that, it’s more important to do it for yourself and not anyone else. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I want to push myself and I want to reach a certain goal, I have to do it because I WANT it.

I know it seems like common sense, but this is yet another one of those lessons that’s taking time and I’m going through it right now. I don’t think I’ll end up where I currently am. I don’t think this is my calling or what I’m meant to do. People may ask me, “Well, then what would you want to do?” I don’t know the answer. As frustrating as it is, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t have all of the answers. Things will happen for me when they are supposed to happen and if this job opportunity works out, then great. If not, then it’s not meant to be.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this passionate about something in a long time. I haven’t wanted something so badly in a long time. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to lose hope either. Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

-beautifuldarkmystery

strangers, again.

It’s funny how two friends can become strangers again. Someone you once knew so well, or, at least, you thought you did…is now just a name and face. I never thought that was possible, until I experienced it.

Yes, there are times I find myself wondering how he’s doing, if he’s happy. It seems like it. But sometimes, I want to know what he’s really thinking. We both know he’s always been good at putting on a facade, acting like everything’s okay. Well, regardless, I hope he’s happy.

I wish I could be a part of that happiness. I wish I could be a part of his present. But now he’s a part of my past. This is a time when we’re both experiencing important milestones in our lives and there are moments when I wish I could just share all of that with him. But then I remember our situation. I wish I didn’t have to be so extreme. I wish I didn’t have to cut him out of my life and that we could still be friends right now. But if I want ANY chance of moving on and being happy again, this is what I have to do.

It feels like I am mourning the death of a friend. There’s an emptiness inside of me, a void that cannot be filled. I miss having that one person I shared everything with. The one person I had some of the best memories with. Three years of it and now it’s gone, just like that.

It hurts, but I do the best I can. And I know that with each passing day, it will get better. But I will never be whole again. He has a piece of my heart I will never get back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

i’ve been thinking about it a little more.

Okay, so I really want to get something off my chest and I feel like this is the best place to do it. First off, I just want to say that for those of you who have given me advice or have told me you love my blog, I really appreciate it and I can’t thank you enough. It makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not alone and that others can relate. Sometimes, I think that’s all we need…honestly.

I’ve been thinking about “Tom” a lot lately. Ever since he told me he started hanging out with someone and felt like he had to ask me where we stood in our “relationship” so that it could be clearly defined for him, I’ve been thinking about whether this friendship is even worth it. I feel like ever since I met him, I’ve been trying to convince myself to stay in it because he means so much to me and blah blah blah.

A few days ago, I sat at my computer, turned my webcam on, and hit the record button. In one take, I sat in front of the screen, talking as if he were right across from me…and something happened that I didn’t expect…I cried. When I finished recording, I did some editing and exported it. The thing is…I don’t think I’ll ever show it to him. My family doesn’t even know about this…not even my sister, whom I tell practically everything to. It’s more for personal reasons I guess. I think I wanted to see where I stood in terms of how I feel about him and where we stand to this day, and I think that after recording that video, it’s pretty obvious that I still have feelings for him.

It’s so hard to be friends with someone when you see him/her as more than a friend. I mean, especially with the way things were going, I thought for sure, something was going to happen. And now I can’t get over it. So…it’s got me thinking…what if being in this friendship is what’s “killing” me. Some days I think it’d be so much easier to walk away because sometimes, seeing or speaking to him makes things that much more difficult. If I were to cut him completely out of my life, I think I’d be able to move on. I always hate talking like this because I always think I sound so overly dramatic or drastic. I’m not doing this to seek attention from him. There are some days I wake up and feel like I’m at a crossroad with him and I don’t know if I should keep going or pull away.

As much as I love him and care about him and want to be there for him…sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength. Right now, the thought of him talking to someone else or even changing his relationship status on Facebook makes my stomach turn. Why did he have to make me feel so special? Why did he have to say all those nice things to me? Why? I need to move on. This has gone on way too long and I’m afraid that if I keep going, I’m going to end up hurting even more than the first time.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Should I stay or should I leave? I know it’s probably easier said than done, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I may not act like I have feelings for you anymore, but I hope you know that deep down inside, they will never truly go away. I’ll always love and care about you as more than a friend, even if you don’t feel the same way about me. I wish I could just be upfront with you and say these words to your face. But what’s the point? I know you don’t see me that way anymore. In my perfect world, we’d be together by now. I can’t help but feel like I messed this up. You made an effort to try and treat me as more than a friend, but I freaked out. My insecurities got the best of me…and I’m sorry. I wish things would have worked out differently. We’re put in a weird situation because I can’t see myself in a relationship with anyone else right now, but at the same time, I know that this is what’s best for us…after we admitted out feelings for each other, it was as if, all of a sudden, there was this pressure to try and impress each other, to the point where we were just awkward. I know a relationship shouldn’t be forced, and I know that if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I just don’t want to get hurt twice by the same person. I know if you’re capable of breaking my heart once, when you weren’t even mine to begin with, I know you’re capable of doing it again. And I think that’s what scares me the most.