the heart wants what it can’t have.

I’ve never really understood what that meant until this year…when I realized that the guy I was falling for, woke up one morning and felt differently. I haven’t even been in love yet, but with these experiences I’ve been having, I’m fearful more than ever about falling in love.

I want to talk to him this weekend but I feel like that’s going to be pretty much pointless. In the end, it’s going to be me who pours my heart out, only to run right into a brick wall. There are some days I wish I never met him because then I wouldn’t be feeling any of this. But at the same time, I can’t regret all of the good times we have. I want to replay those memories instead. But the mind has a way of finding the negatives, especially my mind.

With my ex, yeah I was hurt when we broke up and it took me what seemed like forever to get over, but with this guy…I feel differently…worse. I felt like we were so close and then he changed his mind. It sucks always being the one who cares more…who wants the friendship/relationship more. For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. For once, I want someone to show me he cares.

Despite what’s happened…despite how dysfunctional this friendship is, there’s still a part of me that wants to be with him. Is that wrong? I told myself I would never be the type to fall for the “wrong guy,” but I guess, once you’re actually in the moment and you’re experiencing it for yourself…some things change. There are certain things I will never sacrifice, like my morals and values. For me to be in any relationship with a guy, he has to be able to respect, or even better, share those values.

It’s late and I’m tired. I’m probably not even making sense anymore. So I think I’ll just stop here…


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