goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery

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