Well apparently he feels indifferent. I don’t understand how he can show ALL the signs he’s interested, yet he says he’s unsure about his feelings towards me. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand how his thought process works. This is the second time he’s broken my heart, I think that’s more than enough. I need to learn my lesson now.
The sucky part is that he’s unaffected by this, while I cried my eyes out a couple nights ago. At least I’ve had the weekend to process it and prepare myself for when I have to see him at school, because it’s going to be different now. Why do I keep allowing him to keep doing this to me? I deserve better and I don’t know why I continue to settle for less…
Well, this week will be interesting, since we’re talking again…no more awkwardness or tension in class, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don’t know. I just hope I don’t regret this. On the bright side, the semester is almost done. I think I’ve got like five weeks left or something like that. Wow, only five weeks left…that is crazy.
Anyways, I’m trying to force myself not to like him anymore, but it’s difficult. I mean, I don’t know what his intentions were by telling me he liked me in the first place. I don’t even know if he really thought this was going to go anywhere. I want us to be together, but I’m conflicted. If I listen to my heart, he’s the one I want and he’s the one I want to be with. There’s something about him that I’m still attracted to…there’s still some sort of comfort or security. Like I’ve said before, perhaps it was because he had good timing. He came into my life when I really needed a friend…and he didn’t even have to say anything. His physical presence was that sense of security and stability. If I think with my head, we’re better off as just friends. He’s thrown WAY too many red flags and his actions don’t match up with his words. A huge part of me says that is he really cared, he would have thought about my feelings…if he liked me like he said he did, he would have acted upon it. But I don’t know his past. Maybe someone’s hurt him before and he’s scared to put himself out there again. And I know I don’t make that very easy for him sometimes…I’m not always the easiest person to talk to.
I value the opinions of my friends and family…they think I’m making a mistake…but they know that this is a battle I have to fight myself. They don’t know him like I do. They just know what I’ve told them. There’s a gut feeling telling me that this is supposed to work out. But I’m not going to force it. If this friendship is meant to be, then it will happen. We both know it’s going to take a little more effort going forward because of what happened, but I have no idea what the future has in store for us.
I had it set and decided in my mind that after we had that fight, that was it. That was literally the end. But then he re-enters my life when I least expect it.