facebook friends.

Have you ever gone to your Facebook page and noticed your number of friends has changed? I don’t have many Facebook friends so it’s very noticeable when someone un-friends me. I just checked today and saw that I lost two people, and yes, I just looked through my entire friends list to see if I could figure out who they were…but I couldn’t. I don’t know why it bothers me because it really shouldn’t.

We live in a weird generation where social media keeps us all connected. We post everything from what we had for lunch to that vacation in Maui. Social media provides instant gratification in today’s fast-paced environment. You may not talk to someone every single day, but you can check their Facebook feed to see what they’ve been up to. In an earlier post, I mentioned that my ex recently friended me on Facebook again after a year of not speaking to each other. The weird thing about it though is that once added me, that was kind of it. We don’t really talk anymore and we don’t hang out or keep in touch. Does he just want to keep tabs on me without having to ask me personally? Who knows…

Honestly, I used to be one of those people who cared about how many friends I had on MySpace/Facebook. I thought, the higher the number, the better. But that’s not the case. I’m not the most outgoing or popular person, and that’s okay!! My numbers don’t define my worth.

A couple of years ago, I went through my friends list on Facebook and deleted people I didn’t really talk to anymore or haven’t kept in touch with. Sometimes, I found myself in those awkward situations where I would delete people and then they would send me another friend request and message me asking why we weren’t friends. So, I stopped doing that.

There was an instance where I removed this girl from my friends list simply because we weren’t that close and were more like acquaintances. Somehow she found out I had deleted her, so she then decided to send me a very angry message basically saying how we were no longer friends and she told me to never contact her for anything. She even went to the extent of blocking me. I never intended to hurt her feelings and I didn’t know she was going to take it so personally, but I felt really bad.

Why it bothers me when someone un-friends me, I don’t think I’ll ever know. But I’m not going to lose sleep over it. This is all part of life. We meet people, they stick around for a little while, and then they’re gone. When they leave, new people enter the picture and the cycle starts all over again. It doesn’t matter if you have 100 friends or 1,000 friends. A number does not define your worth.

beautifuldarkmystery

Advertisements

you are your own worst enemy.

Self-doubt. I’m sure at some point in our lives, we’ve all dealt with this. I am someone who’s been struggling with it for a while, and unfortunately, as I grow older, it only seems to be getting worse. The same thoughts flood my mind every single day…

Am I good enough?
Will I ever be successful?
What am I doing with my life?
What is my purpose?
Why isn’t there one thing I excel at?
I feel mediocre.
Sometimes, I wish to cease to exist.
Why can’t I just be outgoing like everyone else?
Why is it that things that come naturally for others, are challenges for me?

But I’m not here to make myself the victim or complain about how much I suck at life. I just wish I could get over this irrational fear of failure because that’s essentially what this is. I think I’ve always been afraid to admit it, but I do, in fact, have a fear of failing. As a result of that, my life has been affected in so many different ways. I’ve missed out on opportunities. It’s prevented me from moving forward in life. It’s stinted my growth as an individual…and just reading that makes me cringe.

I know that there’s no such thing as perfection, yet I’ve somehow convinced myself that I need to be perfect. If I don’t, I feel like a failure (not to sound dramatic, but I don’t really know how else to explain it). Life’s supposed to be about challenging yourself…going beyond your comfort zone. My problem is that I’ve become too comfortable in my comfort zone and I don’t like change. I like routine. When I see or hear the word challenge, I automatically think of failure. The only way to grow in life is to make mistakes. So why is this so difficult for me? How did this get to be so bad that I’ve now become the only person standing in the way of myself?

The only answer I can think of is my shyness. I hate being described as shy, but it’s true. I’m not the most outgoing person. I get embarrassed very easily. I care way too much about what people think of me. I’m always monitoring what I say and how I act around people. I always knew I was the quiet one, but as I grow older, it seems to stand out more. I notice that in group settings I don’t say a word. If I have an idea, I don’t share it, because I’m afraid of rejection. But as long as I blend in to the background, how am I supposed to get anywhere in life.

Sometimes I feel like my life’s one big catch 22. I don’t want to appear stupid so I don’t speak up, but then my quietness is sometimes misinterpreted, therefore giving people the wrong impression of me, which leads me back to the point of caring what others think about me. I’m getting a headache just thinking about all of this…

It’s easy for someone to say, “Well, just speak up. The worst thing someone can say is ‘no.'” But those who can relate to my situation know that this is no easy feat. To be completely honest, I think most of this is genetics. It stems from personality traits. I can’t think of a situation I’ve ever been in that would have “traumatized” me and made me change my behavior.

I have my moments here and there. Sometimes I surprise myself. But it still takes me twice as much effort to talk to a stranger than it does for someone who’s more outgoing or extroverted. It’s a constant tug-of-war between wanting to push myself beyond my comfort zone but not actually following through with it.

I am my own worst enemy. I look at a lot of people and see how charismatic they are. They are great public speakers, exceptional team players, and embody all the right leadership qualities. Sometimes I feel like as much as I want to be the leader sometimes, I’m always going to be the follower and that makes me sad because what does that say about myself? I don’t want to continue living life with this negative image of myself. It’s easy for people to say, “Well, if you don’t like where you are in life, do something about it.” Well, that’s the problem. I don’t know what to do or where to even begin. Sometimes I feel like there’s something really wrong with me because of these thoughts I have and how much they consume me. It literally affects my everyday life, and, like I said, the older I get, the more pronounced it becomes and the more I notice it (which is bad because then I just focus on it more).

Again, I’m not writing this for the sake of complaining and victimizing myself. My hope is for other people to read this and know they are not alone…because sadly, sometimes I feel like I’m alone and that no one can relate to what I’m going through. So if anyone out there is struggling with self-doubt, I’m right there with you. I know life’s not supposed to be easy, but sometimes, I feel like it’s harder than it needs to be (and it’s my fault for making it that way). I just want to get to a point in my life where I’m happy with myself, the self-doubt is not a magnified issue, and I can just life my life. But I know that the only way for that to happen is if I make a change.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i know it’s wrong.

It’s utterly and completely wrong. How can I love and want to be with someone who’s not completely sure how he feels about me…or at least, that’s how it’s coming across. I don’t get it. In a lot of ways, I can do a lot better…no offense to him. Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do?!

This is someone I’ve had deeply rooted feelings for over the last three years and unfortunately, in my case, they’ve only grown stronger. I say unfortunately because I feel like this relationship is toxic in a lot of ways, yet I continue to subject myself to it, causing unhappiness and a little anxiety if I’m being completely honest. How can I want something so badly that’s so wrong for me at the same time? It makes NO sense to me. I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

To give a brief summary of our history, it goes a little something like this. We met three years ago and had a crush on each other. But because we both are awkward and shy people it took about a year for one of us to finally confess our true feelings. From there, we tried to pursue something more. Unfortunately, he was the one who backed out because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. My heart was broken. About a year later, we tried again…and the same thing happened. He broke my heart a second time. A few months ago, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, and he was serious this time. We had a relationship that lasted for a grand total of…two months. I blame timing for this one because, yes, we were finally on the same page and things were starting to move forward and going the way we wanted. However, this also had to be the summer I was extremely busy traveling. Therefore, we didn’t have much time to establish anything. By the end of the summer, I was moving and we were both hesitant about doing long distance. Do I believe long distance relationships can work? I do, but only if both people have been together long enough to feel confident in being away from each other for a long period of time. Sadly, that wasn’t the case for us. We were just beginning our relationship. And unfortunately, I was the one who ended it. I didn’t want it to have to be that way, but everything he was saying was giving me doubts and I didn’t want to continue to put myself through that anymore. Now basically, since I’ve moved, we’ve had ups and downs…some days he still talks to me like I’m still his girlfriend, and other days he talks to me like I’m an acquaintance. I don’t understand where he’s coming from. And, not to mention, every time that we’ve seen each other since the break up, we always end up kissing and hugging, and acting like we’re in a relationship again. So obviously, the feelings are still there, I just don’t know what we’re doing. Wow, I know I said I was going to keep it brief. Oops.

Recently, I found out he’s going to be moving closer to me starting January of next year. We’re going to be fifteen minutes away from each other. I know that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is our chance to start over and really develop something. But I’m scared at the same time because I know we’re both going to be working and I just hope he makes the time for me because I’d do it for him. He’s always been someone good with words and by that, I mean he says a lot of things but doesn’t follow through with them.

There have been a lot of red flags but I’ve chosen to ignore them…so I guess I can’t really complain. But I just don’t understand the psychology. How can I love someone who doesn’t make me feel special? How can I love someone who wouldn’t do anything to keep me in his life? How can I love someone who can’t even take me out on a proper date? (Yes, that’s right…we never went out on a single date when we were together). I wish I could get rid of all those feelings and start over, but he has my heart and that frustrates me. I know that a part of me will always love him no matter what, but I definitely feel like I deserve to be treated better than he has been treating me. Well, when we met up a couple of nights ago, I got the feeling he’s still in love with me, but I wasn’t convinced and that’s the thing. And if I tell him this, I already know what he’ll say in response, “Well how can I convince you?” That’s the whole reason we broke up…was because we couldn’t find the solution to our problem. So why get back into something that I know is going to end terribly? It’s because I’m one of those people that doesn’t want to give up. I want to give it another shot, even though I know it’s probably going to end even worse than the first time. Why I choose to put myself through this pain (considering how badly it damaged me the first time), I have no idea. And what does that say about myself and my self worth? It’s kind of sad now that I think about it. I’m basically giving my all to someone who doesn’t deserve it and that’s a huge mistake right there.

He continues to tell me that there’s a place for us in the future, but if that’s going to happen, there needs to be some changes, and I’m not just talking about change from my end of the relationship. He has to recognize what he’s doing wrong and do something about that too, it can’t just be one way. And that’s where it’s going to go wrong. I already know because when we met up face-to-face, I told him that I know there are things about myself that I need to work on, and he didn’t say anything. He just told me, “It would make things a little easier.”

Well, Next year is it. If nothing has changed, I HAVE to move on. I can’t keep giving him more chances. Time’s up. I want to be happy and I want to be with someone who makes me feel happy. And I don’t want to “waste time” on the wrong person. Life’s too short. If things don’t work out this time, I’m going to have to force myself to move on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

– beautifuldarkmystery