jealousy is such an ugly feeling.

I hate feeling jealous. But then again, who loves it? That’s what I thought. It’s such a waste of energy because it’s like what’s the point? You can’t control the way people feel or think, so what’s the use in “worrying” about something you can’t change? Right? I hate that I still get jealous every time I see him hug another girl or every time I think there’s something going on. I try to brush it off because I don’t want to be one of those people that gets jealous over everything. At this point, I know that in my mind there’s NO WAY things will EVER work out between us. And honestly, I could care less if we’re still friends. I’ve stopped making an effort because I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again. It’s hard…once you’ve developed strong feelings for someone, it’s hard to get over. I mean, pretty much for the most part, I AM over it…but there will always be that small part of me that holds on and it’s frustrating. But let’s just say, hypothetically, he gets into a relationship (my worst nightmare), how am I supposed to be happy for him when I still have deeply rooted feelings? It’s not fair to either one of us. That’s why the whole friendship thing isn’t going to work for us.

I can see he’s still trying to make an effort to stay in my life…not as much as when he liked me and was trying to do everything to impress me…but every now and then, he’ll either say or do something to show me that he’s trying. I want to tell him that he’s wasting his time because I’ve slowly stopped making an effort. I can’t do this anymore.

I think there’s a bigger issue to look at here. I try not to hold grudges because A) it’s not healthy for my own being and B) it’s also a waste of energy. However, looking at this situation as a whole, I think I am holding a grudge against him that I just need to let go of. I hate when people make me look stupid and I’m still upset over the things he did to me. I know I need to get over it and move on…but any of you who’ve been in this situation before will understand where I’m coming from.

I know that with time, things will get better. I held a grudge against my ex for the longest time, but now I’m over it…but that took how long??? Exactly. There are lots of things I need to work on about myself and I’ll get there. Change like this doesn’t happen over night. But I hope that one day, I can learn to let go of the past and move forward…because as long as I keep dwelling on it, I’m running in circles going nowhere.

– beautifuldarkmystery

maybe it’s for the better.

And now for the deeper post. Like I said in the last one, things are slowly getting better. I know it just takes time. I had a dream the other night that made me question if it really happened or not because of how real it seemed. When I woke up, I just thought to myself and processed what had just happened and I concluded that my dream was a mix of recent events as well as a possible glimpse into the future.

So basically, in my dream, Tom (the guy I used to like) and I reconciled and we became friends again. We were sitting in class, laughing and talking like we used to. It was as if things were back to normal and that fight had never happened. The teacher dismisses us and we leave the classroom together. Right as we exit, there’s a girl standing in the hallway. I don’t know what her name was, but she had blonde hair. She immediately spoke to me first, “You’re Tom’s friend, right?” she asked. “Ummmm yeah,” I replied. She smiled and didn’t say anything else. Tom stands there and looks at the two of us with this awkward look on his face. Then he turns to me and says, “So, I’ll see you later?” and then leaves with the blonde girl.

I know Tom likes another girl now and that he’s been hanging out with her, so that’s where the girl comes in. The glimpse into the future is this. As much as I want to reconcile and be friends with Tom in real life again, despite what we’ve been through, it may not be the best thing. I don’t want to be friends with someone when all I’m going to feel is jealousy, frustration, and sadness. It wouldn’t be fair to him if I said, “We can be friends, as long as we don’t talk about your girlfriend (hypothetically).”

We haven’t spoken in over a month now. Wow, it’s already been a month. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I don’t know why, but I have a gut feeling that this is somehow not the end for us. I’m not just saying that because I want to be friends with him again. There’s something telling me that later down the road, there will be a reconciliation. I mean, it could happen, right? But the most important thing for me to do is not expect it. That’s a great way for me to feel disappointed yet again. It’s frustrating because there will be times I just want to pick up my phone and send him a text. Or when we’re in class, I’ll want to talk to him. But the reality is…I’m the one who caused this, I’m the one who broke off the friendship, I was the one who gave him the letter that contained things I shouldn’t have said. So for me to be the one crawling back is a great way for me to make myself look like an idiot.

I just wish my feelings weren’t as involved as they were. It sucks being the one who has the stronger feelings of the two…and that always seems to happen to me. For once, I want to be the one someone’s afraid of losing. But I guess I’ll have to keep waiting, because like I keep saying, I have to trust that God has a plan for me and that there’s a reason why I haven’t been so lucky with relationships in the past. One thing that does scare ┬áme though is that I see a pattern with the guys I like…they can’t communicate, they feel awkward very easily, and their actions don’t match their words. What is wrong with me and why do I keep picking the same type of people? This makes me wonder if I’ll ever go to the other end of the spectrum…like someone who gets super clingy. I don’t think I could handle that…maybe I’ll just stay single…it seems to work better for me anyway…

-beautifuldarkmystery