Yup, so it’s going to take me a while to get used to this…not talking to him every night, trying to see him in a different light. This sucks, I should’ve known this was coming. It was only a matter of time. It also sucks that this is how I have to spend my last year of college. For me, the best way I can get over this is if I don’t see or speak to him (unless I have to). We didn’t talk all weekend, then Sunday night we did and we sort of cleared the air. I’m still hurt and disappointed, but it is what it is and I’m actually glad that this happened now instead of later. I just hate that I’ve been lead on this whole time. He keeps making excuses for himself, saying he did’t want to lose me and didn’t want to ruin the friendship, etc. I’m done. Two times is enough. I hate that I’m so stubborn sometimes.
So I was feeling bummed about the way things are with “Tom,” about how he’s not being such a great friend and whenever there’s an emotionally charged situation, he’ll be very short with his answers, which then come off as “not caring.” I’m sure he doesn’t mean it that way. I just think he doesn’t know what to do in these types of situations so he freezes. I get it. But I mean, if we’re going to be friends…let alone friends who tell each other everything, I have to be able to feel like I’m not a burden, which is nearly impossible because that’s how I always feel when I try and talk about my problems. Some of them seem trivial and it’s like what’s the point? But anyways, the fact of the matter is that if these people were my so-called “friends,” they wouldn’t mind listening to me rant about stupid stuff because that’s what friends do. They help each other get through difficult situations. It’s like Phillip Phillips says, “When enemies are at your door, I’ll carry you away from way if you need help. Your hope dangling by a string, I’ll share in your suffering to make you well.” (I LOVE that song!)
Well, so the point of this was that I updated my status saying I need to lower my expectations because I hate being disappointed. And one of my friends left a profound comment that I can’t get over. He said his mentor told him, “Learn to discipline your disappointment.” I really like that! I hate saying I’m going to lower my expectations of people because I’m someone who strives to see the best in others. And not only that, lowering your expectations is sort of like “the easy way out.” But learning to discipline your disappointment, THAT takes greater strength in my opinion. Sure, all of this is easier said than done, but not everything in life is supposed to be easy.
I just thought I’d share that with you all because perhaps you’re going through a similar situation, one that leads you to constant disappointment. So let’s try something new, let’s not lower our expectations, but learn how to discipline our disappointment. I think if you can do that, you can do anything and the sky’s the limit.
How do you know when it’s time to let go? I wish this was easier said than done sometimes. I’m practically setting myself up for failure here, yet I continue to dig myself deeper into this hole I’ve made…all for some guy who doesn’t even think twice about me.
I can’t help it though…sometimes I think he still feels the same way, but is too afraid to say anything because the last time he did, it practically cost us our friendship. I know he doesn’t want to see that side of me again so of course, for him, it’s easier to not say anything. I know the only way I’ll ever find out is to talk to him about it. I feel like that’ll be a waste of time personally, but it’s the only way. I just need to get over it and talk to him.
It’s kind of sad because I feel like he’s been wanting to talk to me more and more lately…only because I’ve shown interest in his hobbies and passions. Otherwise, I don’t think we’d be talking this much, honestly. But I can’t complain…like I said, no one told me I HAD to do this. I guess this just shows me who values the friendship more. Just saying.
Why do I have a feeling this plan is going to fall through? Maybe my head and heart are finally on the same page. It’s so hard to try and be just friends with someone you have feelings for. What’s even harder is trying to lower your expectations of them but in the end, no matter what you do, you’re always disappointed in the end. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all…