a piece of my heart i will never get back.

I hung out with my friend the other day…yes, the one I’ve had deep feelings for over these last three years. It’s been a difficult relationship for the both of us, but at the end of the day, we have become a part of each other…forever.

This started when he asked me to hang out. He got very sad about me graduating from college. Basically our whole group graduated this year and he sort of feels left behind. I wasn’t sure how this was going to be. We hadn’t hung out one-on-one since last semester. I didn’t know if it was going to be weird or awkward because I’ve been keeping my distance on purpose. I stopped trying because I didn’t want to get hurt a third time by the same person. Those deeply rooted feelings…those don’t just go away over night.

We ended up going to lunch and he picked up the tab. We walked around for a little bit and headed back to school where we sat and talked for a couple of hours. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him express his feelings the way he did that day. For the first time, I really heard him say how much he’s going to miss me, how different things are going to be for him this fall semester without me there. He couldn’t believe how quickly I was leaving.

The thing was…it wasn’t as weird as I had hoped. I think for the most part, my feelings for him have gone away in that respect. However, there will ALWAYS be a part of me that has feelings for him. A piece of my heart I will never get back. He told me that I have become a part of him…and that when I leave, it’s like a part of him is leaving. That was one of the sweetest things he could have said to me…to know I’ve made such an impact on his life means I’ve done my part as a friend. No, our friendship hasn’t been easy by any means, but I will always love him. It may not be in a romantic way like I had hoped, but I love him and I know he loves me. Beneath all the chaos and pain we both experienced is a bond that will never go away. I don’t really know how to describe it. Never did I ever think that when I started college I’d meet someone I’d grow so close to, someone I’d become attached to. It only makes it that much harder to be apart.

I told him if he ever feels sad, I’m always a phone call away. I said sometimes hearing the person’s voice makes it a little better. But honestly, I believe he’ll be just fine. As much as he says he wants the fall semester to be over with, he should enjoy it. This is his last semester of college. If I could stay another semester, I probably would have. It went by way too fast and I feel like just when I found my niche, it was time to say goodbye. I know in the long run, I’ll keep in touch with the ones who mean the most to me, but when you’ve worked with a certain group of people, not just just in the classroom, but outside of school on sets as well, you become a family. You share the same memories, you grow close. It’s really sad for me to leave all of that behind.

But I know that no matter what happens, he’ll always be with me and I’ll always be with him. We may fight, get on each other’s nerves, and everything in between, but a true friendship isn’t always butterflies. You have to experience the bad in order to appreciate the good. I know he never meant to intentionally hurt me, it just sucks that it happened. But he’s not a terrible person and I know he meant well. There comes a point where I have to let go of the past, let go of the grudges and move on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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jealousy is such an ugly feeling.

I hate feeling jealous. But then again, who loves it? That’s what I thought. It’s such a waste of energy because it’s like what’s the point? You can’t control the way people feel or think, so what’s the use in “worrying” about something you can’t change? Right? I hate that I still get jealous every time I see him hug another girl or every time I think there’s something going on. I try to brush it off because I don’t want to be one of those people that gets jealous over everything. At this point, I know that in my mind there’s NO WAY things will EVER work out between us. And honestly, I could care less if we’re still friends. I’ve stopped making an effort because I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again. It’s hard…once you’ve developed strong feelings for someone, it’s hard to get over. I mean, pretty much for the most part, I AM over it…but there will always be that small part of me that holds on and it’s frustrating. But let’s just say, hypothetically, he gets into a relationship (my worst nightmare), how am I supposed to be happy for him when I still have deeply rooted feelings? It’s not fair to either one of us. That’s why the whole friendship thing isn’t going to work for us.

I can see he’s still trying to make an effort to stay in my life…not as much as when he liked me and was trying to do everything to impress me…but every now and then, he’ll either say or do something to show me that he’s trying. I want to tell him that he’s wasting his time because I’ve slowly stopped making an effort. I can’t do this anymore.

I think there’s a bigger issue to look at here. I try not to hold grudges because A) it’s not healthy for my own being and B) it’s also a waste of energy. However, looking at this situation as a whole, I think I am holding a grudge against him that I just need to let go of. I hate when people make me look stupid and I’m still upset over the things he did to me. I know I need to get over it and move on…but any of you who’ve been in this situation before will understand where I’m coming from.

I know that with time, things will get better. I held a grudge against my ex for the longest time, but now I’m over it…but that took how long??? Exactly. There are lots of things I need to work on about myself and I’ll get there. Change like this doesn’t happen over night. But I hope that one day, I can learn to let go of the past and move forward…because as long as I keep dwelling on it, I’m running in circles going nowhere.

– beautifuldarkmystery