jealousy is such an ugly feeling.

I hate feeling jealous. But then again, who loves it? That’s what I thought. It’s such a waste of energy because it’s like what’s the point? You can’t control the way people feel or think, so what’s the use in “worrying” about something you can’t change? Right? I hate that I still get jealous every time I see him hug another girl or every time I think there’s something going on. I try to brush it off because I don’t want to be one of those people that gets jealous over everything. At this point, I know that in my mind there’s NO WAY things will EVER work out between us. And honestly, I could care less if we’re still friends. I’ve stopped making an effort because I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again. It’s hard…once you’ve developed strong feelings for someone, it’s hard to get over. I mean, pretty much for the most part, I AM over it…but there will always be that small part of me that holds on and it’s frustrating. But let’s just say, hypothetically, he gets into a relationship (my worst nightmare), how am I supposed to be happy for him when I still have deeply rooted feelings? It’s not fair to either one of us. That’s why the whole friendship thing isn’t going to work for us.

I can see he’s still trying to make an effort to stay in my life…not as much as when he liked me and was trying to do everything to impress me…but every now and then, he’ll either say or do something to show me that he’s trying. I want to tell him that he’s wasting his time because I’ve slowly stopped making an effort. I can’t do this anymore.

I think there’s a bigger issue to look at here. I try not to hold grudges because A) it’s not healthy for my own being and B) it’s also a waste of energy. However, looking at this situation as a whole, I think I am holding a grudge against him that I just need to let go of. I hate when people make me look stupid and I’m still upset over the things he did to me. I know I need to get over it and move on…but any of you who’ve been in this situation before will understand where I’m coming from.

I know that with time, things will get better. I held a grudge against my ex for the longest time, but now I’m over it…but that took how long??? Exactly. There are lots of things I need to work on about myself and I’ll get there. Change like this doesn’t happen over night. But I hope that one day, I can learn to let go of the past and move forward…because as long as I keep dwelling on it, I’m running in circles going nowhere.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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