getting my friend back.

I feel like I’ve started to see this different side of him, now that we’re getting our friendship back on track. He seems more relaxed when we text and when we talk in general. I think it’s because there’s no added pressure of having to “impress” me, which is great I guess. Like I’ve said though, there will always be a small part of me that has those feelings for him because they were real. They don’t just go away.

The other night, we were texting each other and it was late at night so maybe it was because he was tired and stopped censoring/filtering his words…but I’m just going to put it out there. He called me sexy. Now, I know the general “rule” is that…if a guy likes you, he calls you “pretty” or “beautiful” or something along the lines of that. But I was completely shocked because this didn’t sound like him at all. Oddly though, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it a little. I mean, sure, it was probably meant in the “friendliest” way possible, but it threw me for a loop. Haha I guess it’s because I’ve NEVER EVER been called that in my life…nor have I ever seen myself like that. But I guess it’s kind of cool.

Anyways, point is, I’m glad he’s starting to feel comfortable around me. I’m not going to lie, I initially started getting into his hobbies and showing interest because I wanted to win him back. But now that I really look at the situation, I’m getting my best friend back and that’s all that matters to me. Some things don’t always work out the way you want them to, but I mean, if this is what it’s going to take for him to feel comfortable around me, then I must be a damn good friend. He’s even told me that I’m too good to him, but I take my friendships very seriously and if there’s anything on my end I can do to make it work, then that’s what I’ll do. So the fact that I’ve at least given this a shot and have shown genuine interest (because don’t get me wrong, I actually like some of this stuff), shows how much this friendship means to me.

It may not be reciprocated from his end, but I expected it. Not to play the self-pity card, but it is what it is…I am always the one who puts in more effort when it comes to friendships/relationships. That’s just how it’s always been. But I mean, on the plus side, he DOES make more of an effort to talk to me, so I have to give him some credit. It would just be nice if he showed a little interest in some of the things I love, you know??? But I don’t expect it from him. I just don’t, and I’m okay with that.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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trying too hard or just trying?

So today, I had class with him but I noticed he sat in the back of the classroom, which I thought was odd. I mean, we’re on speaking terms again, I figured he would have sit with me and the rest of our friends, but I didn’t pay any attention to it. He came in late, so I figured he didn’t want to disrupt the class, which is understandable.

Later on in the afternoon, he texts me apologizing for not talking to me today and that he didn’t want me to think that he didn’t want to sit with me. This made me feel a little weird, only because I don’t want to feel like I’m controlling his life. Like, now he’s going to apologize for the littlest of things because he thinks that one thing is going to set me off? At the same time, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because I think he truly knows he screwed up and because we’re on eggshells right now, he’s trying to be extra careful because he doesn’t want to upset me again, I get it. But at the same time, I don’t like when people put me in that position, where they feel like they need to get “permission” from me. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s a weird feeling. But I’m going to work with it and hope that’s he really trying and not just saying the things I want to hear. Only time will tell.

He still doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that just because he says “I’m sorry” it doesn’t mean it automatically solves everything. A person can say it over and over again, but it has no meaning unless he/she can SHOW it. That being said, every time he apologizes for these insignificant things, I don’t really know what to say or how to react, because in my mind, he still has to SHOW me that our friendship is important to him. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too hard on him? I have my reasons though. In my own defense, I don’t have time to sit here and have the same mistakes happen over and over again with the same person. If he’s going to be in this friendship, then some things are going to have to change. He’s either going to help me fix this, or I’m going to walk away. I honestly want to believe he’s trying, but we’ve got a long way to go.

-beautifuldarkmystery