not trying to play the self-pity card here, but…

So he showed up…I was actually surprised. I guess this is what happens when you begin to lower your expectations of others. I’ll give him credit though, he did drive all the way over to my house just to hang out with me. He even said he was glad he got to see me, so I guess it all worked out.

It was a little difficult though, if I’m going to be completely honest. We were sitting so close to each other that all I wanted to do was put my head on his shoulder and hold his hand. But then I had to remember where we stood, and that it’s not like that anymore. I couldn’t help but notice that when I sat super close to him, he started bouncing his leg really fast, it’s like a nervous habit of his. I don’t know if it was because it was because he, in fact, does still like me but acts like he doesn’t…or he really doesn’t feel that way anymore and I was making him uncomfortable. Regardless, he didn’t move away. In fact, he moved closer. By the end of the night, we were arm against arm.

It just sucks because I’m genuinely showing interest in his world and I’m trying to show him that I at least care about what he’s passionate about. Yet, in the end, I KNOW that I’m going to be the one hurt, once again…because my heart is stupid and always dominates. When will I learn? Why do I continue to pine over the one I cannot have? I don’t know. But at least this one thing…for now…is bringing us closer together as friends, and if that’s all that’s going to happen, then so be it. I mean, other than school, we really don’t talk about anything else, which I find strange. So I thought that by showing interest in something he loves so much, he’ll feel more comfortable around me. But I don’t know why that is…why it’s so hard for us to be ourselves around each other. I almost feel as though it’s not normal.

t just sucks that once again, I’m the one putting in more of an effort. I mean, yeah, no one said I had to do any of this, but to me, being part of a friendship means being open-minded to different hobbies and passions. It means a lot to the other person when you show interest…that’s just common sense.

I feel like I need coaching in the picking friends department sometimes. 😛

-beautifuldarkmystery

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