i just need to do it.

Why is it so hard for me to talk to him? What’s holding me back? I know what it is. My own fears are holding me back. I guess, in my heart there’s an answer I want, but in my head, there’s the answer I’ll get. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m sitting here wondering how he feels about me, when really, all I have to do is ask him. But knowing that the answer is going to be one I don’t want to hear, it sucks. I’ve been talking to friends and they’re all telling me I need to have this conversation with him. I guess that means I should do something, right?

I can’t believe I’ve spent the last two years emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t even care about me as much as I care about him. Or maybe he does, he’s just not as great at expressing it as I am. See, there I go again. I guess, there have been some subtle hints that he may still slightly feel the same way. For instance, the time I drove into the city with two of my guy friends and he made a point of saying that he was jealous that they got to spend time with me. Then there was the time he was hanging out at his friend’s house and he kept saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted me to be there, like it was pretty insistent to the point where it didn’t even sound like him talking. Maybe it wasn’t. O.o Then there’s everything that happened this summer…all the hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, etc. All the late nights, staying up until 3 in the morning texting each other. What does all of THAT mean?

Even though the possibility of him rejecting me is greater than the chance of him feeling the same way, there’s ALWAYS that slim chance that things could go right. Obviously, I won’t know until I have the talk with him. Why do I like to complicate things? I know I’m only hurting myself by doing that…

I KNOW I need to have this conversation with him. I’ve waited and waited for him to say something, and I’ve finally come to a point where I don’t want to wait around, I CAN’T wait around forever. I need closure. Where that will put our friendship, I don’t know. As much as I don’t want this to have an effect on our friendship, I already know it will. I’ve had feelings for so long that it will absolutely crush me to see him with another girl. He’s been such an important part of my life over these last two years, I just wish he wanted this as much as I do. I always seem to be the one who wants it more, the one who invests more…and I am ALWAYS the one who gets hurt in the end. But I am NOT going to continue to sit here and play the victim card. I need to stand up for myself and I need to say something, and when I look at the bigger picture, the truth is, I would much rather say something now and get hurt, than not say anything at all and always wonder “what if.”

This has been the battle in the back of my mind…do I say something and risk our friendship changing, or do I not say anything at all and continue this self-destructive cycle? As much as I want to put others before myself, I need to do this for ME. I need to reevaluate my own level of happiness and whether I’m truly happy. Honestly, it might be best if I’m gone after next semester. It’s not that I don’t necessarily want to get away from him, but I think I need time to detach.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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