we got engaged.

We were at a concert with his sister, my sister, and my dad. The three of them wandered off somewhere so then it was just us. He told me that he hoped that we’d get to do something special together and I said this was something special. He reached for my hand and we sat there continuing to enjoy the concert.

After it was over, we went back to my house and we were just hanging out in my room. I walked over to the window, meanwhile he was preparing to ask the big question. When I turn around, I see him standing there so rigid and serious. I asked him if he was okay and he said yes. And then it happened.

He told me I’ve always been one of the most important people in his life, and that no matter how many challenges we faced over the years, nothing could ever tear us apart. He never lost faith. He always had hope that one day, we would try again and that it would finally feel right and work out the way we wanted it to.

Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box and I started freaking out (and not in the good way). I put my hands to my face and kept saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening.” And I kept repeating that over and over again. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I paused for a moment before saying yes. He put the ring on my finger and we kissed.

That’s when I woke up. I couldn’t believe I had a dream about getting engaged and it felt so real. But who was the guy? Well, none other than my ex, which explains why I was freaking out so much. This was marriage we were talking about here. Was I really ready to make that kind of commitment to someone who put me through so much emotional turmoil? If it never worked out before, what made me think that marriage would solve all those problems? I hope I’m not that stupid in real life.

All that matters is that it was just a dream and it wasn’t real. Phew! 🙂

beautifuldarkmystery

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my dream last night.

It was so real that it could have happened in real life. I wish I could control my dreams…meaning that I wish I could tell myself what to dream about. The nights I want to dream about him, I dream about completely random things…when I least expect to dream about him…that’s when I dream about him.

So I don’t know where we were, but there were picnic tables and there were other students around. The classroom looked unfamiliar though. We were all sitting on the ground in a circle. I was sitting next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and from there, we started being affectionate with each other. We sat extremely close to each other, I held his hands, we didn’t stop hugging each other…and all of this happened, knowing that he was interested in someone else. It was like I won him back or something. THIS IS TORTURE. I know that’s never going to happen so I don’t even know why I had a dream like that.

On another note, things were a little tense between us during class today. We didn’t talk that much. However, when he got out of his next class, he stopped by the office of the professor I help on Mondays and Tuesdays, and we talked for like a minute. Then he moved toward me like he wasn’t sure if he should give me a hug or not and he did. So I mean, yeah, he’s trying, but I hate that things are so awkward between us now. I try to act normal around him, but he has NO IDEA….no idea how difficult it is for me.

You know, I really hope that one day he’ll know what this feels like. I hope he meets someone in his life that he truly loves and cares about…someone he’s afraid to lose…someone who doesn’t want him as much as he wants her. I really want him to know what this feels like. But until that happens, he’ll NEVER understand what it’s like for me. I haven’t cared so much about a person ever. I care so much that it hurts. Story of my life. I’m still waiting for the day I meet someone who’s afraid to lose me.

-beautifuldarkmystery