and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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dreading this conversation.

So I visited one of my good friends because he’s kind of going through some stuff and I wanted to be a good friend because he’s always been there for me. Anyways, I told him about my current situation and he said the only way I’ll get the answer I’m looking for is by talking to him (the guy I like). Shocker. It seems to make more sense when someone else says it. But I thought his advice was interesting. He said that by talking to him, I’ll get the answers I’m looking for, though they may not necessarily be the answers I want. He said I need to be blunt and just tell him how I feel. Easier said than done for me.

I don’t want to have this conversation because I don’t want to make things awkward between us. Yet, at the same time, I want to define whatever this is. I know he’s a nice guy, but there are just some instances where it seems like he’s treating me as more than just a friend. I mean, perhaps he’s waiting for me to make the first move since he was the one who did so last time. This meteor is headed to earth and there’s not much time left until it crashes.

-beautifuldarkmystery