trying too hard or just trying?

So today, I had class with him but I noticed he sat in the back of the classroom, which I thought was odd. I mean, we’re on speaking terms again, I figured he would have sit with me and the rest of our friends, but I didn’t pay any attention to it. He came in late, so I figured he didn’t want to disrupt the class, which is understandable.

Later on in the afternoon, he texts me apologizing for not talking to me today and that he didn’t want me to think that he didn’t want to sit with me. This made me feel a little weird, only because I don’t want to feel like I’m controlling his life. Like, now he’s going to apologize for the littlest of things because he thinks that one thing is going to set me off? At the same time, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because I think he truly knows he screwed up and because we’re on eggshells right now, he’s trying to be extra careful because he doesn’t want to upset me again, I get it. But at the same time, I don’t like when people put me in that position, where they feel like they need to get “permission” from me. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s a weird feeling. But I’m going to work with it and hope that’s he really trying and not just saying the things I want to hear. Only time will tell.

He still doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that just because he says “I’m sorry” it doesn’t mean it automatically solves everything. A person can say it over and over again, but it has no meaning unless he/she can SHOW it. That being said, every time he apologizes for these insignificant things, I don’t really know what to say or how to react, because in my mind, he still has to SHOW me that our friendship is important to him. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too hard on him? I have my reasons though. In my own defense, I don’t have time to sit here and have the same mistakes happen over and over again with the same person. If he’s going to be in this friendship, then some things are going to have to change. He’s either going to help me fix this, or I’m going to walk away. I honestly want to believe he’s trying, but we’ve got a long way to go.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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the reality.

Yeah, the reality is sinking in…I know you’ve moved on and I’m still here, waiting for something that’s never going to happen. You’re supposed to be working on your paper. We texted for a little and then I said, “Okay, I’ll let you finish.” Normally, you would say, “No, I’d rather talk to you instead.” I’m not saying drop all your homework for me…but I guess I just miss that. I miss the way things used to be. I miss feeling important to you. Now I feel like because I still have feelings for you, everything you do is magnified because in my head, I want you to be a certain way, but instead, what I see is what I get. That’s all.

thoughts.

It’s funny how certain people always have a way of coming back into your life. To be honest, I thought he was going to walk away. I figure he would have thought I was too much to handle or my personality was too strong for his. Like I said, he seems like the type to shut down when things get rough, but he came back. Now, I don’t know what his intentions are now that we had that falling out. I honestly don’t know the reason why he still wants to be friends with me, but I can guess a few.

  • Things didn’t work out with the other girl and wants to use me as a rebound
  • He wants to make up so it doesn’t have to be so awkward during class for the rest of the semester
  • He really misses me and thinks my friendship is worth keeping
  • Because we’re similar in terms of certain personality traits, maybe he thinks I can help him with that since I seem to be the more emotionally developed of the two of us

I’m not going to even begin to try and figure out what he wants. I just need to stay cautious, take things slow, and monitor his behavior. I’m still on the fence about this whole thing, but at the end of the day, real friendships are the ones that survive the tests and challenges. Real friendships are the ones where both people think it’s worth saving. I know this one’s worth saving on my end, but we’ll see about him.

And obviously, there’s always going to be a small part of me that likes him. I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the fact he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, but true feelings never go away. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because for all I know…he could really turn around and prove me wrong. That would be ideal. I mean, he’s had about a month to think about what he did. I made it very clear to him though…he has A LOT to prove to me. And I’m not putting it all on him. I need to make some compromises as well, one of those being that I have to accept the fact he’s not comfortable talking face-to-face about certain issues and topics. If he prefers to text me, I’ll have to allow him to do that. I think it’s sad that he can’t do that or refuses to learn how, but I mean, I can’t change a person. Accepting their flaws is something that comes with accepting a person for who he/she is.

It sucks to be the person who always strives to look for the best in people, even when they show me otherwise. I want to have hope that he can turn around, but you know what they say…old habits die hard. Once a person is set in their ways, it’s hard to change.

Next week will be interesting, that’s for sure. We’ll see what happens.

-beautifuldarkmystery

well that was unexpected.

So, it’s been over a month since I talked to him…then out of the blue, after class today, he texted me apologizing. We had a short talk about how we’re both willing to move past everything that happened and try to be friends again. I made it very clear to him though that he has a lot to prove to me if this is going to work and that he HAS TO communicate with me, even if he’s scared of how I might react. It all comes down to this…I don’t like when people are shady. I’d rather have you be upfront with me than try and avoid the issue or brush it under the rug. He agreed. So we’ll see if his actions speak louder than his words. I realize he’s not completely comfortable talking in person about issues so if he prefers text messaging, I’ll have to make a compromise. A friendship works both ways. I truly believe the real ones survive the challenges and come out stronger on the other end. I honestly think he needs me more than I need him, but I’m willing to work with him to try and get back to that place where we used to be. It might take a while and I let him know that my guard is up and just because I’ve forgiven him, but words are not enough. A person can say “I’m sorry” a hundred times and it’ll mean nothing. He really needs to prove to me that our friendship is as important to him as he claims. So I guess we’ll see what happens now. I was definitely NOT expecting that at all, and I let him know that I appreciated the effort he made. I appreciated that he apologized to me again and made that initiative. There are just some people you don’t want to give up and regardless of what happened in the fast, whether we had feelings for each other or not, he was always one of those people and always will be…no matter what anyone tells me.

I’m still not sure how I’ll handle the fact that he likes someone else now, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I haven’t seen him around campus with that girl lately so I haven’t really thought about it. We’ll see…

-beautifuldarkmystery

What does friendship mean to you?

maybe it’s for the better.

And now for the deeper post. Like I said in the last one, things are slowly getting better. I know it just takes time. I had a dream the other night that made me question if it really happened or not because of how real it seemed. When I woke up, I just thought to myself and processed what had just happened and I concluded that my dream was a mix of recent events as well as a possible glimpse into the future.

So basically, in my dream, Tom (the guy I used to like) and I reconciled and we became friends again. We were sitting in class, laughing and talking like we used to. It was as if things were back to normal and that fight had never happened. The teacher dismisses us and we leave the classroom together. Right as we exit, there’s a girl standing in the hallway. I don’t know what her name was, but she had blonde hair. She immediately spoke to me first, “You’re Tom’s friend, right?” she asked. “Ummmm yeah,” I replied. She smiled and didn’t say anything else. Tom stands there and looks at the two of us with this awkward look on his face. Then he turns to me and says, “So, I’ll see you later?” and then leaves with the blonde girl.

I know Tom likes another girl now and that he’s been hanging out with her, so that’s where the girl comes in. The glimpse into the future is this. As much as I want to reconcile and be friends with Tom in real life again, despite what we’ve been through, it may not be the best thing. I don’t want to be friends with someone when all I’m going to feel is jealousy, frustration, and sadness. It wouldn’t be fair to him if I said, “We can be friends, as long as we don’t talk about your girlfriend (hypothetically).”

We haven’t spoken in over a month now. Wow, it’s already been a month. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I don’t know why, but I have a gut feeling that this is somehow not the end for us. I’m not just saying that because I want to be friends with him again. There’s something telling me that later down the road, there will be a reconciliation. I mean, it could happen, right? But the most important thing for me to do is not expect it. That’s a great way for me to feel disappointed yet again. It’s frustrating because there will be times I just want to pick up my phone and send him a text. Or when we’re in class, I’ll want to talk to him. But the reality is…I’m the one who caused this, I’m the one who broke off the friendship, I was the one who gave him the letter that contained things I shouldn’t have said. So for me to be the one crawling back is a great way for me to make myself look like an idiot.

I just wish my feelings weren’t as involved as they were. It sucks being the one who has the stronger feelings of the two…and that always seems to happen to me. For once, I want to be the one someone’s afraid of losing. But I guess I’ll have to keep waiting, because like I keep saying, I have to trust that God has a plan for me and that there’s a reason why I haven’t been so lucky with relationships in the past. One thing that does scare  me though is that I see a pattern with the guys I like…they can’t communicate, they feel awkward very easily, and their actions don’t match their words. What is wrong with me and why do I keep picking the same type of people? This makes me wonder if I’ll ever go to the other end of the spectrum…like someone who gets super clingy. I don’t think I could handle that…maybe I’ll just stay single…it seems to work better for me anyway…

-beautifuldarkmystery

“i really like your dress.”

I just have to say this because I think it’s worth sharing. So when I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to be a beautiful day in terms of the weather, so I broke out the spring/summer clothes. I wore this black and white blouse with a hi-low skirt. I did my hair and makeup, and wore my black Oxfords. I completed my outfit with a black and gold necklace from Forever 21. When I got to school, I had about 15-20 minutes to kill before my class, so I went to the library. Moments after sitting down, this guy walks up to me. I’m not trying to be superficial here or anything, but he wasn’t the best looking guy and he was a little awkward. I was working on breaking down a script when I hear this voice to my right. “Excuse me, excuse me.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me so he had to say it twice. My bad. I look up and see him. I smile, and say hello. He said, “I meant to tell this earlier, but I really like your dress (everyone thought it was a dress even though it was two pieces, but that’s okay. It was pretty convincing) and I just wanted to tell you it looks good on you. ” I smile and say, “Well thank you.” It didn’t come off as creepy at all, and as a matter of fact, I was completely humbled and flattered. Here’s this young man who may not have the best social skills, yet he had the guts to walk up to a complete stranger and give a compliment. THAT’S impressive. The guy I liked could never say that to my face. It was always through text. Should have known…

After that, I received a lot more compliments on my outfit. I should dress up more often. I’m not one of those narcissistic people who thrives on compliments. Sometimes it just makes you feel good and puts you in a good mood…not in an egotistical way, if that makes any sense. But yeah, overall, today was a good day. 🙂 I’m slowly recovering from that other situation, but it’ll still take some time. I’m actually more okay than I thought I’d be at this point, which is good! I just need to keep surrounding myself with good people.

this sucks.

I know I did this all to myself…I really wish I hadn’t said anything to him so we could just get through the rest of this semester and then part ways “naturally” going into the next year. I know that it’s good to talk and express how you feel, but I can’t help but wish I hadn’t done what I did so that things wouldn’t have to be like this.

I keep hoping that one day he’ll text me…of if we’re at school, he’ll see me sitting outside on a bench and come over to talk to me. But I know that’s not going to happen. For him, it’s easier to just walk away and that’s unfortunate. What I don’t understand is how I still miss someone who doesn’t miss me back. It sucks because I’ll never really know how much our friendship meant to him because he never shows emotion and he doesn’t like to talk about deep stuff.

Yeah, I am kind of regretting opening up and sharing my story with him, but it’s done and I can’t take it back. He didn’t deserve to see my vulnerable side but I showed it to him anyways and now I’ll have to live with that. When will I learn? It sucks having to this class and see that he’s perfectly okay with us not being friends anymore. I try so hard to put on a brave face and not show him that I’m hurting because that’s the worst thing I could do…but I feel like he can read right through that and now I feel like he could be using that against me. This sucks.

There are some days I just want to take my brain out and get a new one so I wouldn’t have to think about things I don’t want to think about. As much as I try to keep myself occupied and focused on other things, my mind will always wander back to what happened between us. It’s the last thing I think about before I go to bed and it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up.

Well, I hope he’s happy.

-beautifuldarkmystery