and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.


i really want this to work.

After thinking about it for a while now, I’ve decided to try and be friends with him. It’s so easy for me to become so finite and definitive when it comes to things like this. For me, it’d be easier to just walk away and not have to deal with this anymore. But we had a very casual conversation last night. Nothing too serious. Just talked about school and the summer. I want to work on a short film and I had been debating on whether I should ask him if he wants to be involved. In the end, I ended up asking him and he said he’ll do whatever he needs me to do. I’m actually hoping this project will “save” our friendship. I think we need this. Film is something we’re both passionate about and I’m really excited to work on my second short film.

Deep in my heart, I really want to make this work…and I think that now that I’ve had time to let everything settle in, I’ve finally come to the realization that we’re never going to be in a relationship and those feelings will never be the same again. Of course, there will always be a part of me that has those feelings because they don’t just go away. However, I’m beginning to see that this is not the end of the world and that maybe this is for the best. I know I’ve said that over and over again, but this time, I really feel it. I really want this friendship to work and I know he does too. We texted for three hours last night, and his responses were quick. So we’ll see what happens. I hope I can handle this.


i still can’t believe it.

I can’t even begin to describe what a crazy day it’s been. I can’t get that image out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about it…I’ve been in a weird mood ever since.

So I was running an errand for one of my professors. I had to drop some papers off a couple blocks down from the school. As I’m walking back, I see a massive crowd of people standing at the corner. I thought this was odd and didn’t know what was going on. As I got closer to the corner, I see a man on the floor, a pool of blood surrounding his head. There are two officers already on the scene. I heard one student say, “He has to be deceased.”

“Please keep moving, you don’t need to be taking pictures,” one of the officer said. They kept looking up, because there’s a parking garage and no one knows what happened, but we’re guessing it was a suicide. I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. I see stuff like that in the movies and on television ALL the time, but when you see something like this in real life, it does something to you.. Like I said, I’m still in shock. I quickly crossed the street to get back to my professor. I didn’t want to be around that scene.

It’s times like this when you really take a step back and examine life…we don’t have very much time here and I got an eerie feeling knowing that I had just walked past that garage to drop off the papers and when I got back, someone had died. Before I left campus that person was still living and in just a few seconds, he was gone. It truly breaks my heart, and though no one knows for sure if it was a suicide, it’s highly likely. I don’t think I’ll be able to walk past that place without thinking about it. The image is forever burned in the back of my mind.

My heart and prayers go out to the family of this victim. I’ll never forget this day. I’ll never forget what I saw and I’ll never forget how it made me feel. Apparently, this happened about three hours ago, but the officers are still there.

I just want to go home. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. That’s all it took. I’ve lived such a sheltered life so seeing this with my own eyes…it was a shock. Like I said, I still don’t want to believe it.


P.S. All I want to say is that suicide is never the answer…it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Sometimes, things need to get worse before they get better, but it DOES get better. Remember that you are not alone and that everyone is fighting their own battle. YOU ARE LOVED. Remember that. This absolutely breaks my heart.

the reality.

Yeah, the reality is sinking in…I know you’ve moved on and I’m still here, waiting for something that’s never going to happen. You’re supposed to be working on your paper. We texted for a little and then I said, “Okay, I’ll let you finish.” Normally, you would say, “No, I’d rather talk to you instead.” I’m not saying drop all your homework for me…but I guess I just miss that. I miss the way things used to be. I miss feeling important to you. Now I feel like because I still have feelings for you, everything you do is magnified because in my head, I want you to be a certain way, but instead, what I see is what I get. That’s all.