it’s only a matter of time until we meet.

People say that you’ve got to have a little patience…that when the right person comes along, it’ll be worth it. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. I’m slowly but surely beginning to truly understand that and accept that. I want to be happy with the person I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to feel self-conscious, guarded, like I’m not good enough. And something tells me I’ll know when I’ve met the right person. I just wish I knew when. But that’s what’s great about life. It presents you with something when you least expect it.

I’ve been doing significantly better this week. I think I am finally beginning to accept the reality of my situation…that he and I are never going to be in the relationship again. I’ve tried to stay optimistic for so long, I’ve continued to hold on to hope, but I am only hurting myself by doing so.

I AM hanging out with him tomorrow, but it’s going to be different and I have to be conscientious of it. I know exactly what he’s going to say and do to reel me back in (because that’s what he always does when he feels like he’s starting to “lose” me or if he gets the slightest feeling that I’m moving on. If he wanted me, he could have had me…but yet, we continue to sit here in this limbo which has caused me agonizing pain, to the point where it’s affected me both physically and mentally. That’s not good.

The other morning, I woke up feeling different. I felt happy…genuinely happy. Despite whatever I’m going through with him at the moment, I felt a sense of peace. Now, I’ve felt this peace before, but this time, it felt different. It put me at ease and I had this feeling that everything was going to be okay. I don’t want to be a victim of this anymore. But I’m going to have to be the one to draw the line because if I don’t, he’s going to continue crossing those boundaries and I’ll never know where we stand.

I want someone who wants me. I don’t want to be an option. I want to know what it feels like to be somebody’s first choice. I haven’t felt that way yet, and maybe that’s because I have yet to meet that one person…that one person who’s going to change my life for the better.

I know you’re out there. It’s only a matter of time until we meet. In the meantime, I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, knowing that one day you will walk into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else. I truly believe everyone is meant to be with someone. It’s just that for some of us, it takes a little longer. And that’s okay.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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moving on.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do but sometimes it’s necessary. The heart wants what it wants, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you have to ask yourself one question…are you benefitting or suffering from the relationship? If you are suffering more than you are benefitting from it, then I think the answer is pretty clear. Sometimes we’re blind and we ignore the signs because we want things to work out. But sometimes, the truth hurts.

No matter how much you want to change a person, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. Unfortunately, you have to accept things at face value. This is who they are, this is who they will always be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the situation, thinking that if you hold on for just a little longer, maybe it’ll turn around and things will start to get better. In a perfect world, that would be lovely. However, this is what happens in life and there will come a point where you realize that the only option left is to accept the reality of the situation. It’s just not going to work out.

My mother told me that one day, I’ll wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I won’t care about who he’s with or questioning whether he still has feelings for me. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way because this is just the beginning of the process. I have a long road ahead of me.

I’ve held on to the idea of this relationship for the last three years. Unfortunately, when it finally happened, it didn’t last that long, and things ended before they even started. Since breaking up with him, I’ve continued to hold on. No matter how many red flags and warning signs came my way, I chose to ignore them…and that’s what got me to where I am now…hurt, disappointed, frustrated. When we’re in love, we look for the best in the other person. When they say or do something we don’t like, we try to ignore it. But over time, it starts to build, and then one day, you have that “aha” moment. You realize that you have to move on.

I really hope that one day, I’ll be able to wake up and not care about what he’s doing. I want to wake up not feeling jealous, not feeling betrayed, hurt…He will always have a piece of my heart, but I want to be in control of my life again. I have a habit of letting my circumstances control me and that’s not good. Until I get to that stable place again where I can be happy without him in my life, I’ll continue to fall into my ruts on occasion. I’ll have moments of weakness. I’ll cry, I’ll vent to someone, all my emotions will hit me at once. It’s going to hurt because I care. But everything is going to be okay. Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

They say that some of life’s toughest situations bring the most valuable lessons…and the longer it takes to learn the lesson, the more valuable the lesson. He was my first love, therefore it’s the only love I know, which makes this that much more difficult. I’m going to be that much more guarded when they next guy comes around, I’m not going to jump into things right away. It’s going to take some time. But knowing how to cope with a broken heart and deal with the pain that comes after the relationship ends…knowing that much will make the next one a little easier…at least I hope.

I’m not the type of person who does things out of spite or wishes harm on anyone…but if there is any sort of revenge I would want…it would be for him to realize later on down the road that he made a huge mistake…that he lost someone who really cared about him and would have given him the world…but it’ll be too late. I will have moved on and be with someone new, and I will be happy.

They say when you meet the right person, you’ll know. I find that very interesting, but I guess I’m going to find out.

beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

Something profound happened today and I don’t know if it’s temporary or not, but I hope it’s not. Something spoke to me on the inside…it went straight to my heart. But basically, I had a realization that I’m holding on to nothing. The probability of me getting back together with him is very small. Like I mentioned in my last post, we’re complete opposites and it’s just not going to work out.

Anyway, my point is, often times, when we get caught up in something that seems to bring us so much happiness and joy, we sometimes forget to look at the bigger picture. Sure, there are lots of nice things, but when you look at longevity, how is this going to benefit you? Is it going to benefit you at all? When I take a step back and look at my relationship with him, do I miss the person or do I miss the feelings? Truthfully, I miss the feelings. He was my first love, so of course, this one’s going to be the hardest. It’s all I know. It’s the only love I know.

My problem is that I’ve wanted to be in a relationship for so long and I’ve wanted it so bad that I end up ruining it for myself every time I get into one. Not that it’s happened frequently. But I just need to chill out. Obviously, I am nowhere near ready to get back into one and it’s going to take some time. There are things I need to work on about myself before I can get back into another relationship. Then, when I least expect it, it will happen. I know because that’s exactly what happened before I got into this last one.

I’ve told myself a thousand times that I need to let go of him. I need to find someone who will treat me better, someone I can trust, someone I won’t have to worry about losing. I’m so afraid of losing him to someone else that it’s causing all of these unnecessary insecurities and jealousy and I don’t want any of those feelings. It doesn’t make me feel good and it doesn’t make me look like a terrible person.

The reality of it is finally beginning to set in, I fear. It’s a good thing though. I know the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes you have to say no to something in order to achieve greater. If I keep holding on to something that will never happen, how will I ever know what lies beyond? That is my worst fear with relationships…getting so caught up in something and holding on to it so tight that I put the blinders on and ignore potentially good matches.

I’m sure some of you have felt this way and can relate. Sometimes, I feel lost. Sometimes, I feel crazy. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or if I’m losing my mind. But I think after today, I feel a sense of peace…something I haven’t felt in a while. I mean, sure, it’s still going to hurt when he finds another girl, but I can’t let that poison me. I have to free myself of those bonds, the ones that have been preventing me from moving on in my life.

There’s a quote from one of my favorite authors, Mitch Albom, that I often see that relates to all of this. “In order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.” It’s a quote that’s stuck with me ever since and it could no relate to my life more than it does now.

At the end of the day, whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. The more I begin to distance myself now, the less hurt I’ll end up. It sucks always feeling like you’re the more vulnerable one…and although there’s only so much you can do to protect yourself, you can try to take as many steps as you can to lessen the amount of pain. It’s going to hurt regardless, but this is the only life we’re given. We need to make the most of it instead of staying in the same place. We need to move on. I need to move on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

new year, moving forward.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. Not much has really happened, although this year is going to be an interesting one. I’ll start with New Year’s.

So basically feelings between me and my ex resurfaced that night and it’s frustrating at times because I never know where we truly stand. At this point, I’ve tried to accept that we’re not getting into a relationship any time soon. I try not to have too many expectations so I don’t end up disappointed and hurt. Yet, that seems to keep happening regardless.

Anyway, he moved closer to me this month (we’re about 15 minutes away from each other now) for work purposes. I’ve had mixed feelings about him living closer to me. On one hand, I think it’s great because we’ll get to see each other more frequently and it’ll give us time to work on our friendship. However, at the same time, it makes it difficult to try and move on…even KNOWING he’s so close to me.

Back to New Year’s. So, back when we broke up, I didn’t think we’d be spending New Year’s together. It can be a “couple-y” thing and when we were dating, I was really excited to get to spend these special occasions with him…Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, we broke up before then. I was back in town at the time and he was still back home, and we spontaneously decided to try and get a group together for New Year’s. It ended up being pretty successful. It was a good group and we all went bowling. After we bowled, the whole group headed over to a party but I decided not to go because my drive going back home was an hour long and I didn’t want to stay out too late, especially on a day like New Year’s when people drink and drive (which you shouldn’t do!!). He decided to stay back with me and not go to the party with the others. I told him he really didn’t have to do that because I wanted him to have fun. But he insisted. So we hung out, went to a small party one of his friends held at his place. I didn’t exactly get a New Year’s kiss, but as we were walking back to my car at the end of the night, it kind of just happened…we kissed, and then suddenly all those feelings re-surfaced and came back. I miss him so much, and I really wish we were still together.

Since then, like I said, he moved closer to me. He’s been extremely busy and we haven’t really talked that much since he moved, but he has surprised me a couple of times. I’ve said before, I try not to have expectations when it comes to him so that I’m not disappointed. But yesterday we hung out for pretty much the whole day. It was one of his days off and so we hung out, we treated me to lunch, and we had a good time. It’s difficult sometimes though because our natural tendency is to go back into couple mode and treat each other like we’re in a relationship, but I tried so hard to refrain from it. I feel like I keep giving him mixed messages.

I guess the point I’m trying to get at here is that…you never know what the future holds. The job he got, he could have been relocated to Florida. Instead, he ended up merely 15 minutes away from me. I didn’t think we’d spend New Year’s together, but we did. What this says about our relationship for the future, I have no idea. All we can do is focus on the now and focus on rebuilding out friendship and “starting over.” It’s difficult trying to do this backwards, but we’re making it work somehow. As for him, I don’t know if he’s met anyone yet or started developing feelings for other girls (I mean, it’s still pretty early, but I never know with him). I’ve tried to prepare myself for the possibility that this could happen, but just like with death, I don’t think there’s ever a way you can truly prepare yourself. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen and I have no control over that. Yeah, it’ll hurt, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

This year is definitely going to test me in so many ways. But my main thing is that I want to stay positive and stay on the right track. I have a tendency of allowing people and situations to control me and it puts me in this really dark place. So the moment I feel like I’m starting to go down that dark path again, I try to fight it and stay positive. I have a lot of things to be thankful for and that needs to be my main focus. New doors will be opened, I’ll meet new people…and I have no idea what the future holds. But until then, I have to change my mindset and move forward. It’s a new year, a fresh start, time to get back on track.

– beautifuldarkmystery

just friends.

Is it possible to go back to being just friends with someone you’re in love with? For me, the answer is no…at least right now. We both knew the risk we were taking when we decided we wanted to take our friendship to the next level. It’s unfortunate our relationship didn’t last that long and that the feelings (on my end, at least) are still there.

A couple of months ago, we both told each other that we’d like to try having a relationship again. He’ll be living fifteen minutes away from me and it’ll give us a chance to rebuild our friendship. However, given the circumstances, it’s been difficult just trying to be his friend. I feel like I have been trying but it’s just too difficult for me right now. The littlest things he does upsets me…things that wouldn’t upset me if my feelings were strictly platonic.

I am home for the holidays and we’re planning on hanging out next weekend at some point…and that’s when I’m going to have the talk. It scares me because I’m basically going to tell him that I need to cut him out of my life for a while…it doesn’t mean this will be temporary, but trying to do this whole thing backwards is not making anything better. I’m hoping he will understand…but a part of me feels that he won’t. He’s going to see this as me giving up and abandoning him, which is not the case. The last thing I want to do is feel like the bad guy yet again. Sometimes, you need to do what’s necessary for YOURSELF and quite honestly, it’s been hard for me to accept the whole “just friends” thing. It’s not fair to me. I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes, you have to be a little selfish.

I’ve been trying not to worry too much about how this is going to go down because at the end of the day, I know I have no control over what’s going to happen. I can’t control how he’s going to react, what he’s going to say, or how he’s going to feel. All I can do is speak for myself, be honest (but not mean), and hope that there’s some level of a mutual understanding there. But, again, I have no control over that either. If he doesn’t get it…well then…

This is all a part of growing up. You have to go through these life experiences, you have to go through trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t work. The one thing I will not allow myself to do anymore is to sit and dwell on what I cannot change. I’ve found that the more time I have on my hands, the more time I have to think about everything…things I wish I could have done differently, feeling like I was never good enough for him…basically, thoughts I shouldn’t even be having. But, this is how I’m learning. The first one is always going to be the most difficult because it’s the only love you’ve ever known. You want to hold onto it because you remember the feelings you had being with that person and how it made you feel…how happy you were. I know that life only gets harder from here on out, but I hope that, with dating at least, it’ll get a little easier because I’ll know what not to do and how to handle myself in different situations.

– beautifuldarkmystery

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery