do it for you and not anyone else.

The older I get, the more I’m learning about myself. But that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Well, right now I’m in a situation where I don’t really know what I want to do with my life or what direction I want to go. I thought I did, but I’m lacking that fire, the passion that everyone around me has.

I recently applied for a job that I really want. I have not heard back from them yet, but if I do hear from them, it should be some time soon. The weird thing is that I haven’t wanted something so badly in such a long time. I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with this because I have not been looking at other jobs, I haven’t applied anywhere else. I know it’s crazy, but I want to hear from them first.

One of the main reasons why I want this job is because I want to push myself. I’ve always been a quiet and passive person, and I’ve heard that those qualities are ones you’re born with and can’t change, but I believe I can. By no means is it going to be easy…because what may come easily to others does not come as easily to me…but I know that if I really push myself outside my comfort zone, I can achieve what I consider impossible.

It’s one thing I’ve learned from past internships. I’ve surprised myself and done things I never thought I could do. It’s all about how much you want it and how far you’re willing to push yourself. It was very uncomfortable for me…something as easy as talking over a walkie to yelling and being loud (something I’m definitely not used to), but I did it enough times and it became comfortable. With practice, I felt more and more confident.

I’ve always been the type of person to believe when someone tells me I can’t do something. It’s a terrible mindset to have and I know I’ll never achieve anything with that kind of attitude. But as I’m growing older, I’m learning that, it’s more important to do it for yourself and not anyone else. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I want to push myself and I want to reach a certain goal, I have to do it because I WANT it.

I know it seems like common sense, but this is yet another one of those lessons that’s taking time and I’m going through it right now. I don’t think I’ll end up where I currently am. I don’t think this is my calling or what I’m meant to do. People may ask me, “Well, then what would you want to do?” I don’t know the answer. As frustrating as it is, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t have all of the answers. Things will happen for me when they are supposed to happen and if this job opportunity works out, then great. If not, then it’s not meant to be.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this passionate about something in a long time. I haven’t wanted something so badly in a long time. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to lose hope either. Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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don’t force what’s not meant to be.

So I was sitting here just thinking and all of a sudden it hit me…for someone who’s always been a planner, my life has almost never gone according to plan. Things didn’t happen the way I had imagined or hoped. I’ve always been the type of person who needs to know what happens next. Uncertainty freaks me out. But the more I go through, the more I see that things happen for a reason, even if they don’t happen the way you want them to.

From the time I was about five years old up until my freshman year of high school, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. Whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, that was my answer. I wanted to be a teacher because I always liked the idea of helping others. Growing up, I had teachers who inspired me and helped me. I just wanted to be that person for others. But I didn’t go to school to get my teaching credentials. I went to school for film, something on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Never thought that would happen.

I always knew I was going to college, no questions there. But I had no ideawhere. Even up until my senior year of high school when I had to start applying to places, I had no clue. My friends and peers seemed to have it all figured out and here I was, blindly picking from a hat (not really, but you get the idea). Ultimately, I chose the school I went to because that’s where my dad went and I didn’t really have anything else to go off of. I never had a “dream” school like most kids. I know that I would have made friends regardless of where I chose to go…but I wouldn’t have found the same people I did at my college. I made some of the greatest friends there and if choosing that school meant crossing paths with those people, then it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

During my undergrad years, I knew I was going to grad school…until I graduated and had no idea what I wanted to do. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure of myself. The hesitancy came from not knowing exactly what I wanted to pursue in film, or if I even wanted to continue pursuing it at all. I began to ask myself so many questions, which led to self-doubt and I ended up overwhelming myself. Since then, I’ve calmed down a but. I realize that it just takes time. I believe that, for right now, I am where I need to be, and I’ve been provided an opportunity that could lead to something else. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay too! I’ll just pick another route and see what’s behind door #2. To be honest, I thought that I’d have my life figured out by the time I graduated college. Nope. That’s not how this works. Some people do, and that’s great…but it’s not like that for everyone. I can’t even begin to express how much anxiety this has given me, but luckily, I’ve surrounded myself with people who have kept me sane and grounded…people who talk sense into me when I need it most. That’s what friends are for, right? Sometimes I don’t know how they tolerate me. Bless their souls haha.

I always thought my first relationship would be like the one you see in movies. He takes you out on a date, he buys you flowers, he tells you how beautiful you are. Well, sadly, it was anything but, to be honest. I remember feeling so frustrated that things were moving so slowly. I begin to question his feelings towards me, which didn’t make me feel all that great. However, at the time, I didn’t know that he was going through some things…things I couldn’t even begin to understand. He didn’t open up to me until after we broke up, and that’s when the fighting began. I remember I was so mad at him. But now I’ve finally reached that point where I can genuinely say that I am happy for him. It took a while, but I got there. Looking back, I see that he had to go through what he went through in order to get to where he is now. At the time I didn’t see it because I was so frustrated, but I was that person who offered him stability. I was the first person he chose to confide in, probably because A) I was the first person who deserved to know, and B) I was his best friend. So even though things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I can see that things worked out for the better. No, we weren’t meant to be together, but we were brought together for a reason. Our relationship/friendship served as a stepping stone in order for both of us to get to the next part of our lives. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen each other in about three years, and we talk only once in a while, but from what I can tell, he seems very happy and that’s all I can ask for.

What am I getting at here? Life happens. Most of the time, it doesn’t go the way we want or imagine. It’s great to have goals and have something to work towards. At the same time, it’s also important to allow things to happen the way they’re supposed to happen. Don’t force something that’s not there because you’re only wasting your time. You go through the things you go through so that you become a better person. You go through these things because life is preparing you for something greater. If the universe is giving me all the signs, I need to take the hint. Continuing to fight what’s not meant to be is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It’s just not going to work.

Life is a mystery and I’m beginning to embrace the beauty of that. It’s exciting and a little scary wondering where I’ll be in ten years. I can tell you where I want to be, but it doesn’t mean it will happen. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that I KNOW that things will happen for me. They may not be on my watch, but that’s okay! As long as I have faith that I will have a job, I will work for a great company, and that I will get married, that’s all I really care about. If it takes a little longer for me, then so be it.

I may never be able to change who I am because, well, this is who I am. I like to plan things. I like to know what’s going to happen next. But if there’s anything this life can teach me, it’s that I need to be a little more open to the ambiguity.  As much as I may not like it at times, this is what makes life so interesting.