Wow, I haven’t written anything here in a while. That’s partly because the last couple of months have been a bit busier for me. I wish I could sit here and say my life’s been full of exciting events that I’m dying to talk about, but that’s not the case. Although, something did happen last month that I’d like to reflect on.
So last month, I made the bold move of sending him an e-mail. At that point, it had been nearly six months since we spoke to each other and I just wanted to clear the air. I put a lot of thought into it. I spoke right from the heart because I wanted to know that, if this was our last exchange, that I got everything I needed to say off my chest and I can let it be. I’ve always been the type of person who searches for closure in any situation. Sadly, as I’m growing older, I’m learning that you don’t always get the closure you want.
It took him a few days to respond. Of course, when I wrote it, I had to tell myself that he wasn’t going to respond. As much as I wanted him to acknowledge I reached out to him, why would he? I was the one who cut him off. I was the one who decided to stop talking to him. I was the one who cut the strings. So he doesn’t owe me anything. Yet, I felt like I owed HIM something, which is also not quite right.
But anyway, I don’t know why I was expecting this heartfelt response, but when I read what he wrote, I was a little hurt, but not enough to put me in a tailspin. However, I would have rather him not reply at all than get the response I did. And THAT’S the moment when I knew that I’d done everything I could. This friendship could not be saved. We’re both at that point where we’ve just given up on each other…not because we want to, but because we have to. Even if this were to continue, it’d be toxic for the both of us.
So from that point on, I decided I was not going to tamper with this anymore. It’s better to let it be and let bygones be bygones. I don’t hold grudges. I’m not mad anymore. I can’t be disappointed anymore. It’s time to move on. I’ve spent more than enough time trying to hold on to something that was gone a long time ago. I’m a stubborn person, and as much as I felt like I gave up on him, obviously there was always a part of me that was still trying and willing to turn this around.
At some point in your life, you have to learn that people will never change. They’ll never be the version you want them to be. Sometimes, you have to pick up the pieces on your own and carry yourself through the pain. But no matter what happens, you have to realize that you’re not the bad guy. It takes two people to get to a place like this. As much as I took the blame, I have to tell myself that this wasn’t entirely my fault. But I’m not here to point fingers. I’ve accepted my wrongdoings, I’ve apologized for them, and now it’s time to move on…once and for all.
The worst part is that it’s always going to hurt a little. It’s going to hurt because I care. Sometimes I hate that I care so much, but there’s someone out there for all of us. It might take a little while until we find that person, but when we do, it’ll be worth it. Every heartbreak. Every ounce of pain we’ve ever endured. None of that will matter anymore once we find our other half.