new year, moving forward.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. Not much has really happened, although this year is going to be an interesting one. I’ll start with New Year’s.

So basically feelings between me and my ex resurfaced that night and it’s frustrating at times because I never know where we truly stand. At this point, I’ve tried to accept that we’re not getting into a relationship any time soon. I try not to have too many expectations so I don’t end up disappointed and hurt. Yet, that seems to keep happening regardless.

Anyway, he moved closer to me this month (we’re about 15 minutes away from each other now) for work purposes. I’ve had mixed feelings about him living closer to me. On one hand, I think it’s great because we’ll get to see each other more frequently and it’ll give us time to work on our friendship. However, at the same time, it makes it difficult to try and move on…even KNOWING he’s so close to me.

Back to New Year’s. So, back when we broke up, I didn’t think we’d be spending New Year’s together. It can be a “couple-y” thing and when we were dating, I was really excited to get to spend these special occasions with him…Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, we broke up before then. I was back in town at the time and he was still back home, and we spontaneously decided to try and get a group together for New Year’s. It ended up being pretty successful. It was a good group and we all went bowling. After we bowled, the whole group headed over to a party but I decided not to go because my drive going back home was an hour long and I didn’t want to stay out too late, especially on a day like New Year’s when people drink and drive (which you shouldn’t do!!). He decided to stay back with me and not go to the party with the others. I told him he really didn’t have to do that because I wanted him to have fun. But he insisted. So we hung out, went to a small party one of his friends held at his place. I didn’t exactly get a New Year’s kiss, but as we were walking back to my car at the end of the night, it kind of just happened…we kissed, and then suddenly all those feelings re-surfaced and came back. I miss him so much, and I really wish we were still together.

Since then, like I said, he moved closer to me. He’s been extremely busy and we haven’t really talked that much since he moved, but he has surprised me a couple of times. I’ve said before, I try not to have expectations when it comes to him so that I’m not disappointed. But yesterday we hung out for pretty much the whole day. It was one of his days off and so we hung out, we treated me to lunch, and we had a good time. It’s difficult sometimes though because our natural tendency is to go back into couple mode and treat each other like we’re in a relationship, but I tried so hard to refrain from it. I feel like I keep giving him mixed messages.

I guess the point I’m trying to get at here is that…you never know what the future holds. The job he got, he could have been relocated to Florida. Instead, he ended up merely 15 minutes away from me. I didn’t think we’d spend New Year’s together, but we did. What this says about our relationship for the future, I have no idea. All we can do is focus on the now and focus on rebuilding out friendship and “starting over.” It’s difficult trying to do this backwards, but we’re making it work somehow. As for him, I don’t know if he’s met anyone yet or started developing feelings for other girls (I mean, it’s still pretty early, but I never know with him). I’ve tried to prepare myself for the possibility that this could happen, but just like with death, I don’t think there’s ever a way you can truly prepare yourself. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen and I have no control over that. Yeah, it’ll hurt, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

This year is definitely going to test me in so many ways. But my main thing is that I want to stay positive and stay on the right track. I have a tendency of allowing people and situations to control me and it puts me in this really dark place. So the moment I feel like I’m starting to go down that dark path again, I try to fight it and stay positive. I have a lot of things to be thankful for and that needs to be my main focus. New doors will be opened, I’ll meet new people…and I have no idea what the future holds. But until then, I have to change my mindset and move forward. It’s a new year, a fresh start, time to get back on track.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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just friends.

Is it possible to go back to being just friends with someone you’re in love with? For me, the answer is no…at least right now. We both knew the risk we were taking when we decided we wanted to take our friendship to the next level. It’s unfortunate our relationship didn’t last that long and that the feelings (on my end, at least) are still there.

A couple of months ago, we both told each other that we’d like to try having a relationship again. He’ll be living fifteen minutes away from me and it’ll give us a chance to rebuild our friendship. However, given the circumstances, it’s been difficult just trying to be his friend. I feel like I have been trying but it’s just too difficult for me right now. The littlest things he does upsets me…things that wouldn’t upset me if my feelings were strictly platonic.

I am home for the holidays and we’re planning on hanging out next weekend at some point…and that’s when I’m going to have the talk. It scares me because I’m basically going to tell him that I need to cut him out of my life for a while…it doesn’t mean this will be temporary, but trying to do this whole thing backwards is not making anything better. I’m hoping he will understand…but a part of me feels that he won’t. He’s going to see this as me giving up and abandoning him, which is not the case. The last thing I want to do is feel like the bad guy yet again. Sometimes, you need to do what’s necessary for YOURSELF and quite honestly, it’s been hard for me to accept the whole “just friends” thing. It’s not fair to me. I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes, you have to be a little selfish.

I’ve been trying not to worry too much about how this is going to go down because at the end of the day, I know I have no control over what’s going to happen. I can’t control how he’s going to react, what he’s going to say, or how he’s going to feel. All I can do is speak for myself, be honest (but not mean), and hope that there’s some level of a mutual understanding there. But, again, I have no control over that either. If he doesn’t get it…well then…

This is all a part of growing up. You have to go through these life experiences, you have to go through trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t work. The one thing I will not allow myself to do anymore is to sit and dwell on what I cannot change. I’ve found that the more time I have on my hands, the more time I have to think about everything…things I wish I could have done differently, feeling like I was never good enough for him…basically, thoughts I shouldn’t even be having. But, this is how I’m learning. The first one is always going to be the most difficult because it’s the only love you’ve ever known. You want to hold onto it because you remember the feelings you had being with that person and how it made you feel…how happy you were. I know that life only gets harder from here on out, but I hope that, with dating at least, it’ll get a little easier because I’ll know what not to do and how to handle myself in different situations.

– beautifuldarkmystery

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery

and then reality sets in.

I’m starting to reach that point where I’m really starting to evaluate my relationship with him and starting to wonder if it’s even worth trying to pursue something more. After talking to my mom and sister and some of my closest friends about this, it almost seems like there are more cons than pros. It’s not the answer I want, but I have to stop and ask myself…is it really worth it. That doesn’t mean that he’s not worth it. I’m saying, is it really worth putting myself through all of this to be with someone…especially when I feel I am not being treated like I deserve to be treated.

It’s so difficult when your heart is in one place, but your head is in another. How is it possible to have feelings for someone who isn’t right for you, and you KNOW he isn’t right for you? How? That blows my mind. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. My mom told me that I should follow my heart and I told her, “Well, look where that got me.” This is probably one of the toughest growing pains I’ve experienced yet. I know I’ll have to talk to him face-to-face at some point about all of this because I want to know once and for all where we stand for each other. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? I am done being in this limbo with him and it shouldn’t have to be like that. Honestly, I feel like if he really wants a relationship with me and wants to be with me, it would have happened by now. Something is holding him back and I don’t know what it is. He told me yesterday he’s totally fine and recovered from our “disastrous” breakup back in September. Maybe there is someone else in the picture but he isn’t telling me about her. It’s none of my business, but if he doesn’t want to be with me, then he has to let me know. I think I deserve to know that much at the very least. I waited three and a half years for him and I’m not going to wait around any longer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i know it’s wrong.

It’s utterly and completely wrong. How can I love and want to be with someone who’s not completely sure how he feels about me…or at least, that’s how it’s coming across. I don’t get it. In a lot of ways, I can do a lot better…no offense to him. Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do?!

This is someone I’ve had deeply rooted feelings for over the last three years and unfortunately, in my case, they’ve only grown stronger. I say unfortunately because I feel like this relationship is toxic in a lot of ways, yet I continue to subject myself to it, causing unhappiness and a little anxiety if I’m being completely honest. How can I want something so badly that’s so wrong for me at the same time? It makes NO sense to me. I’ve never been in a situation like this before.

To give a brief summary of our history, it goes a little something like this. We met three years ago and had a crush on each other. But because we both are awkward and shy people it took about a year for one of us to finally confess our true feelings. From there, we tried to pursue something more. Unfortunately, he was the one who backed out because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. My heart was broken. About a year later, we tried again…and the same thing happened. He broke my heart a second time. A few months ago, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, and he was serious this time. We had a relationship that lasted for a grand total of…two months. I blame timing for this one because, yes, we were finally on the same page and things were starting to move forward and going the way we wanted. However, this also had to be the summer I was extremely busy traveling. Therefore, we didn’t have much time to establish anything. By the end of the summer, I was moving and we were both hesitant about doing long distance. Do I believe long distance relationships can work? I do, but only if both people have been together long enough to feel confident in being away from each other for a long period of time. Sadly, that wasn’t the case for us. We were just beginning our relationship. And unfortunately, I was the one who ended it. I didn’t want it to have to be that way, but everything he was saying was giving me doubts and I didn’t want to continue to put myself through that anymore. Now basically, since I’ve moved, we’ve had ups and downs…some days he still talks to me like I’m still his girlfriend, and other days he talks to me like I’m an acquaintance. I don’t understand where he’s coming from. And, not to mention, every time that we’ve seen each other since the break up, we always end up kissing and hugging, and acting like we’re in a relationship again. So obviously, the feelings are still there, I just don’t know what we’re doing. Wow, I know I said I was going to keep it brief. Oops.

Recently, I found out he’s going to be moving closer to me starting January of next year. We’re going to be fifteen minutes away from each other. I know that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is our chance to start over and really develop something. But I’m scared at the same time because I know we’re both going to be working and I just hope he makes the time for me because I’d do it for him. He’s always been someone good with words and by that, I mean he says a lot of things but doesn’t follow through with them.

There have been a lot of red flags but I’ve chosen to ignore them…so I guess I can’t really complain. But I just don’t understand the psychology. How can I love someone who doesn’t make me feel special? How can I love someone who wouldn’t do anything to keep me in his life? How can I love someone who can’t even take me out on a proper date? (Yes, that’s right…we never went out on a single date when we were together). I wish I could get rid of all those feelings and start over, but he has my heart and that frustrates me. I know that a part of me will always love him no matter what, but I definitely feel like I deserve to be treated better than he has been treating me. Well, when we met up a couple of nights ago, I got the feeling he’s still in love with me, but I wasn’t convinced and that’s the thing. And if I tell him this, I already know what he’ll say in response, “Well how can I convince you?” That’s the whole reason we broke up…was because we couldn’t find the solution to our problem. So why get back into something that I know is going to end terribly? It’s because I’m one of those people that doesn’t want to give up. I want to give it another shot, even though I know it’s probably going to end even worse than the first time. Why I choose to put myself through this pain (considering how badly it damaged me the first time), I have no idea. And what does that say about myself and my self worth? It’s kind of sad now that I think about it. I’m basically giving my all to someone who doesn’t deserve it and that’s a huge mistake right there.

He continues to tell me that there’s a place for us in the future, but if that’s going to happen, there needs to be some changes, and I’m not just talking about change from my end of the relationship. He has to recognize what he’s doing wrong and do something about that too, it can’t just be one way. And that’s where it’s going to go wrong. I already know because when we met up face-to-face, I told him that I know there are things about myself that I need to work on, and he didn’t say anything. He just told me, “It would make things a little easier.”

Well, Next year is it. If nothing has changed, I HAVE to move on. I can’t keep giving him more chances. Time’s up. I want to be happy and I want to be with someone who makes me feel happy. And I don’t want to “waste time” on the wrong person. Life’s too short. If things don’t work out this time, I’m going to have to force myself to move on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

– beautifuldarkmystery

all too familiar.

It feels weird being back here again…not texting each other every day, not seeing each other…this is all too familiar. I know that right now, we both need to not be in contact in order to move on…because as long as we’re still “present” in each other’s lives, we’re not going to let go. It sucks because I’m finally coming to the realization that I need to start doing what’s best for myself, even if it’s not what I want. For example, I’m going home in a couple of days and I’m staying there for about a week. I really want to see him and hang out with him…but I don’t think it’s going to help me. It sucks it has to be that way, but I need to fight it. As much as we want to be there for each other now, we can’t. It’s too hard when the feelings are still there.

I talked to my mom and sister about this because it was starting to scare me how upset I’ve been over this whole thing. I’ve never been through anything like this so all of these feelings are new. But they said I just need to allow time to heal me back, and they’re right. That’s the only way really. It just sucks when the one person you’re closest to is slowly becoming a stranger all over again. I hate it. I miss being close to him, I miss telling him everything, I miss him telling ME everything. I miss what we had. And now that’s all gone.

It seems like he’s already started to move on. I wish I could say the same, but deep down inside I am hurting. But I act like nothing is wrong…I want this week to be fun. I don’t want to think about what’s going on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

head vs. heart.

It scares me how strong my feelings are for him…but I think it’s for real this time, that we’re going back to being just friends. At the moment, I don’t know that I can. How do I even get over this? How do I push past this and move on? Right now, that seems impossible. I just want to be happy again, and right now, happiness would mean being with him…but I know that’s not going to happen. On top of that, I can’t seem to let go of what’s happened in the past, things that have caused me to have trust issues with him…so even if we were to get back into a relationship, I DON’T know that I’d be happy. It really sucks and I’ve never been in a situation like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going home for a week and maybe this will be my chance to talk to some of my friends and find comfort. I’ve confided in a couple of people about this, people who I think understand me the best and can sort of advise me through all of this. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it. He’s always been so good with his words, saying exactly what I want to hear, and me, being who I am and the emotional person I am, took every single word to heart and believed all of it. I’m not saying that all of what he was saying was false, but it doesn’t help me now.

Right now, he needs to do what’s best for him, and I need to do what’s best for myself. He shouldn’t have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells whenever he talks to me just because I get super sensitive over stupid things sometimes…but at the same time, he realizes and knows why I get sensitive over all of it…because he knows what he’s done. Unfortunately, I hate to have this type of attitude, but it is what it is. I don’t know what it would take for me to get over the times he hurt me in the past. I don’t know that it would happen again because he’s been the one unsure of his feelings all this time. It’s that hesitancy that makes ME hesitant and that’s no way to start off any relationship. Some may ask, so why give him another chance if it didn’t work out the first two times? Well, to be honest, YES, it would have spared me a whole lot of pain right now if I just said no. But I’m the type of person that would rather go through with it than spend my life wondering “what if?”. When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I had a feeling it was going to be different this time. And in some ways, yes it was. I do believe his feelings were real and strong towards me. Do I think he still has some of those feelings? Absolutely. We were both each other’s first real love, so we’ll never forget that.

A few posts back, I mentioned having a strong feeling that we’d end up together again in the future. It was a pretty strong feeling and I’d never felt anything like that before. But now that I’m looking at the bigger picture, the smaller that hope is becoming. I think we were putting too much pressure on ourselves in the first place, and I kind of felt it. I’m sure he did too. So that’s not to say that by taking this pressure away, things can happen more naturally…but based on our history and past experiences, I don’t see us having a successful relationship. So as much as it pains me to say it, we are better off being friends. But I just wish it didn’t have to be this difficult. I’ve never had feelings for anyone the way I have feelings for him. Like I said, it truly scares me. It scares me to lose him to someone else, it scares me that someone else can make him happier. And I don’t know if I can be friends with someone I am in love with…to watch him love someone else, that breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to move on. All I know is that I can’t let what happened happen again. I cannot let this consume me, to the point, where I sit in my room and just think about it. I’ve recognized this about myself and know it’s never good. So I need to try and stay as busy as possible…try to think of happier and more positive things. But I can’t leave myself alone with my thoughts because that’s when I get worked up over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. I feel like that gets me into trouble a lot of the time. We’ll see what happens. I might see him when I come home and we’ll just see how that goes. I just hope it’s not too awkward.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can you remember your first love?