beyond frustrated.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t know what’s right. Yesterday was the first day of my internship and I was really excited to start working there and finally have something to keep my mind off of my personal issues. He texted me about 30 minutes before I got off and asked if I wanted to get something to eat, and, of course, I agreed.

Rewind. It was his birthday a couple of days ago. A couple weeks ago we had talked about what he wanted to do and at the time, he invited me to whatever it was that he was going to plan. The weeks go by and I continue to hear nothing about it. I wasn’t going to bring him up because I didn’t know if he’d changed his mind about inviting me and I didn’t want to make it awkward. Anyway, his birthday rolls around. I texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and all he said was thanks. Then that was pretty much it. I got him a gift, I wrapped it and made it look nice…and then I waited. The whole day goes by and I don’t hear from him. I knew he had a work-related event that day so I was trying not to make a huge deal out of it. Before I know it, the whole day is gone and by the time I saw that it was 9PM, I gave up and thought to myself, forget it. So I changed back into my pjs and watched my tv shows, trying not to avoid the fact that my feelings were hurt.

When I picked him up, I asked what he felt like eating, and he said, “I don’t know, but anything that’s cheap and fast.” When he said this, I now felt like I was being bum-rushed and then I was slightly irritated. We ended up eating at Wendy’s, but I wasn’t expecting anything less, to be honest. So I asked him how the event went and how his birthday was. He proceeded to tell me he hung out with his friends the whole day and had dinner with a girl at her apartment and then went to the event. Then his roommates had friends over by the time he got back so he hung out with all of them until about 2 in the morning. The more he was telling me about what he did, the more irritated and hurt I felt because I thought he would have wanted to spend at least part of his birthday with me, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t really mad because at this point, that’s exactly what I expect from him. I’m just there when he needs me. But I did make a point of telling him that for future reference, if plans change (granted, this time he didn’t really know how his day was going to pan out), to just let me know so I’m not waiting around. Then he felt really bad…because technically I could have started my internship on his birthday, but because I didn’t know what he was doing, I made sure I kept that day available just in case. But I wasn’t going to make a huge deal out of it.

Another thing that bothers me is that he always seems tired when we hang out. I don’t know if he’s aware of how that makes me feel, but I feel like if you’re really that tired, then why bother hanging out with me if this is what it’s going to be like. I feel like I am wasting his time. And I said that, maybe not so direct. But I did say something like, “Well if you’re that tired, then you could have just stayed home. I wouldn’t have minded.” Then he always says the same thing. “But I wanted to hang out.” I’m sure he doesn’t act this tired around his other friends.

I know this all probably sounds very high school, but it’s not even about the fact that I didn’t get invited to whatever birthday plans he may have had. It’s more about the fact that I feel like ever since he moved down here, I’ve just been the “side chick.” I feel like I’m just the friend to go to when he has no one else to hang out with or nothing else better to do. That’s not a great feeling. I also don’t feel like I am appreciated as a friend…as a person.

The last time we hung out, he mentioned he had to run a couple of errands and asked me if I could drive him so it would go faster. Of course, I said yes. He had a whole day off before we hung out where he could have run his errands. But no, he was out with his friends. So what does he do? He waits until the day WE hang out, cutting into OUR time together, so he can run his stupid errands. I know I really have no right to complain because I could have just said no and been done with it. I’m usually passive aggressive about things but I let him know that this is not going to be okay…that he can’t make a habit out of me running his errands with him just because I have a car and he doesn’t. And at some point, I’ll have to draw the line too, and just say no.

Last night when we hung out, we were trying to find a place to eat and we drove by a Target. As we were driving back to his place, he asked if we could stop by the Target. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and it wasn’t like I had to go out of my way to get there…it was on the way back, so I said yes. As we were getting out of the car and heading into the store, he put his arm around me and thanked me for making this stop. I hinted to him how it made me feel by saying, “Yeah, no problem…because that’s all I’m good for, right?”

Then we got into the store, I thought he actually had to get stuff he needed…he got a dvd. That was it. As we were walking up to the front to pay for it, he starts poking me. This is his personality. This is who he is. When he feels there’s tension, he tries to break it by poking me or acting obnoxious, but it was actually annoying me even more.

When I finally pulled up to the front of his place, he gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with him. He said we’ll probably hang out next week and I kind of just brushed it off and didn’t make a huge deal out of it because I’m not expecting it anymore. It just kind of sucks feeling like I’m the option. I know that I did this to myself and I really can’t be upset about it. But when you still have feelings for someone and they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s kind of hard not to take it personally.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a bad mood, I didn’t feel like getting up and getting ready for my internship. I didn’t even put my contacts in or put my makeup on. All I could think about was everything he had told me last night…and realizing that every time he tells me he’s hanging out with a girl or going to a girl’s apartment, that this could potentially mean he’s moving on. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. I believe a guy can go over to a girl’s place with no intentions other than to hang out with her. But this is all preparing me for the possibility of that happening.

I hate that I continue to allow situations to control me. I need to get my emotions in check. I need to not make myself to available to him because I think that’s why I continue to end up feeling hurt. He doesn’t think twice about his words or actions and how they might affect other people. But the more I give into him, whether it’s helping him run errands or hanging out when it’s convenient for him, I need to stand my ground more, and not just say the words. I feel like every time I begin to get to a good place where I feel emotionally stable, I take two steps back and I end up right where I started. I want to start making progress and I want to move on. I NEED to move on. Hanging on to him is toxic and not benefiting me. I think I just don’t want to face the fact of what I need to do…which is to cut him off completely. As long as he’s still in my life and I’m still seeing him, talking to him, interacting with him, there’s always an increased chance of me getting hurt.

I wish I could say I don’t know what to do, but I know exactly what I want to do, I just don’t want to do it. For me, at this point, I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation…and I say that because he’s told me before that whatever I need to do, just let him know. If I want him to leave me alone and give me space, to just tell him. I fear that if I do that, he won’t even be affected at all. He has his work friends, he’s been hanging out with them a lot more than he has with me. So I feel like even if I did this, it’ll do nothing to him…because right now, with the way he’s been treating me, it’s like I don’t even exist to him at all. So what difference would it make if I told him not to see or speak to me?

Whatever. I know I deserve to be treated better and I don’t know why I continue to hold on to a person who’s presence is hurting me more than benefitting. me. Maybe it’s time I really start evaluating the pros and cons of this relationship and really decide if it’s worth continuing to put myself through all of this.

I may not be in the best of moods right now, but the minute I walk through those doors at work, my personal problems don’t exist. I need to focus my energy in the things that really matter. The moment I crack and allow this to bother me, is the moment I let him win. And I am DONE allowing him to win.

We’ve never been great at communicating to each other, so I don’t know if he has motives. I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous. I don’t know how he feels about me…even though he says he still has feelings for me, what does that even mean? I can’t keep thinking about this as much as I have been because it’s rotting me away. I’m too young to feel this damaged by one person.

I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by the choices I’ve made. I’m not defined by the way others treat me. I am defined by how I get up after I fall. How I recover. How I make my comeback. Life’s going to throw a whole bunch of curveballs at me. The real test will not be how I take the hit, but how I deal with the pain.

– beautifuldarkmystery

Have you been in a situation where you felt like it was controlling you instead of you controlling it? How did you handle yourself? How did you overcome this obstacle?

move on or remain in the same place.

We can’t help who we fall in love with…sometimes it’s with someone who may not be the best fit for us. Unfortunately, this applies to my life at the moment. I honestly thought that him moving closer to me would make things a lot better and I’d look forward to it. But if anything, it’s made things that much harder. But there’s nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we talked about him. She said she doesn’t know what it is that I’m still attracted to about him. To tell you the truth, I don’t exactly know either. However, I think it’s more of the feelings I miss. I miss how I felt with him, I miss the memories, the little things, all of that.

But when I look at the bigger picture, we are complete opposites (hence, opposites attract, right?). We see things very differently. In my mind, I’m afraid of opening myself up to other guys or potentially showing interest because I feel like I’d be emotionally cheating on him…even though we are not together and we are not exclusive. For him, I don’t think that’s the case. For him, I think that not being in a relationship means he can do whatever he wants, which, yes, that’s true. But I don’t want to be someone’s option. I want to have more respect for myself than that. I need to have more respect for myself.

I hate that this still affects me. I wish I didn’t feel so much with my heart. That’s what breaks me. I hate that I’m still the one who’s sad and upset about it while he’s perfectly fine. He probably doesn’t even think twice about it.

I do want better for myself because I know that I deserve to be treated better than this. I just wish I didn’t let him hold me back because I know it’s not like that for him. I want to open my heart again but I know I’m nowhere near ready. They say you can’t look for love, you have to allow it to find you. When the time is right, someone will be placed in front of me. But my biggest fear with this whole thing is that I remain closed off and hold on to the hope that someday things will work out with him. I’ll miss out on opportunities to meet and get to know new people if I continue to live like this. I’m sure there are others who can relate to this situation.

This has been a ticking time bomb from the start. I think it’s really starting to hit me that this is the beginning of the end. In my mind, I’ve already started to accept that it’s never going to work out between us. I need to let go so that I can allow for something better. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, because he’s not. I just need someone who’s able to provide for me what I need, and he can’t do that…even if he tried. There are parts of his personality that will never click with me and it doesn’t mean I hate him or dislike him as a person. I hope that, if we’re able to move past all of this, we can still be friends. But I see a long road ahead before that can happen.

The ultimate battle is head vs. heart. We’ve all been there before, we all know what that’s like. My mom tells me that one day I’ll wake up and I’ll feel different. It’s difficult to believe when my feelings are so strong, but I hope she’s right. I don’t want to hold on to someone who’s not going to respect me or my feelings…someone who can’t commit to a relationship. I know he has his reasons and they’re valid. But one day, I won’t be waiting around anymore. And it’ll be too late. And he won’t get me back.

– beautifuldarkmystery

just friends.

Is it possible to go back to being just friends with someone you’re in love with? For me, the answer is no…at least right now. We both knew the risk we were taking when we decided we wanted to take our friendship to the next level. It’s unfortunate our relationship didn’t last that long and that the feelings (on my end, at least) are still there.

A couple of months ago, we both told each other that we’d like to try having a relationship again. He’ll be living fifteen minutes away from me and it’ll give us a chance to rebuild our friendship. However, given the circumstances, it’s been difficult just trying to be his friend. I feel like I have been trying but it’s just too difficult for me right now. The littlest things he does upsets me…things that wouldn’t upset me if my feelings were strictly platonic.

I am home for the holidays and we’re planning on hanging out next weekend at some point…and that’s when I’m going to have the talk. It scares me because I’m basically going to tell him that I need to cut him out of my life for a while…it doesn’t mean this will be temporary, but trying to do this whole thing backwards is not making anything better. I’m hoping he will understand…but a part of me feels that he won’t. He’s going to see this as me giving up and abandoning him, which is not the case. The last thing I want to do is feel like the bad guy yet again. Sometimes, you need to do what’s necessary for YOURSELF and quite honestly, it’s been hard for me to accept the whole “just friends” thing. It’s not fair to me. I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes, you have to be a little selfish.

I’ve been trying not to worry too much about how this is going to go down because at the end of the day, I know I have no control over what’s going to happen. I can’t control how he’s going to react, what he’s going to say, or how he’s going to feel. All I can do is speak for myself, be honest (but not mean), and hope that there’s some level of a mutual understanding there. But, again, I have no control over that either. If he doesn’t get it…well then…

This is all a part of growing up. You have to go through these life experiences, you have to go through trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t work. The one thing I will not allow myself to do anymore is to sit and dwell on what I cannot change. I’ve found that the more time I have on my hands, the more time I have to think about everything…things I wish I could have done differently, feeling like I was never good enough for him…basically, thoughts I shouldn’t even be having. But, this is how I’m learning. The first one is always going to be the most difficult because it’s the only love you’ve ever known. You want to hold onto it because you remember the feelings you had being with that person and how it made you feel…how happy you were. I know that life only gets harder from here on out, but I hope that, with dating at least, it’ll get a little easier because I’ll know what not to do and how to handle myself in different situations.

– beautifuldarkmystery

goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I think most people feel it is immature to cut someone completely out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’ve decided that this is what I need to do with my ex. Right now, it’s just too difficult to go back to being just friends when we’ve already crossed that line.

I’ve cut him out once before, but that was a while ago, and before anything really happened. At the time, all that HAD happened was that we confessed our feelings for each other. But he couldn’t make up his mind about how he felt about me and every time we tried to be more than friends, he’d pull back because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So finally, I got fed up and cut him off. I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him when necessary (I was still in school at the time). But that was it. And as much as it sucked not being able to see him or hang out with him, allowing that time for myself helped the healing process. For the most part, my feelings for him were starting to go away because I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t want to wait around anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the longest time, I thought that cutting him off was a stupid thing to do and it seemed very childish. But seeing as how much pain I’m causing myself by trying to be in the friendship, I know exactly why I did it in the first place. I haven’t had the conversation with him yet, but I am waiting until he is done with finals because I know he’s not going to like this. He absolutely hated it that last time I did this and for the longest time, that was the reason he was scared to get into a relationship with me. Not losing me completely was more important to him than being in a relationship. But if he’s really my friend and loves me like he says he does, then he’ll understand why I need to do this. He will let me go. It’s going to hurt so much and if there was some other way I could go about this, I would. But right now, even just trying to be friends, it’s not working and I’m sacrificing my own happiness to be in this friendship and I’m tired of being sad all the time. I need to completely separate myself from him…however long that’s going to take. And if or when I am ready, we can try to be friends again.

But I need to completely remove him from my life. That means, no speaking to him, I can’t see him, I’ve removed every photo of us I have up in my room, I need a clean cut in order to move forward. I wish I wasn’t that type of person because it all sounds so drastic and unnecessary, but I feel like this is the only way. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish and put yourself before anyone else. It sucks I’m going to hurt him in the process too, but like I said, if he’s truly my friend, he will understand that I need to do this for myself.

It’s never easy saying goodbye to a friend, especially when that friend has been such an important part of your life…this person has become a part of you. But goodbyes aren’t as permanent as they seem. But I need to move on. The longer I try to hold on, the more painful this is going to be. He’s told me he wants to give this another chance, but at this point, I don’t see a happy ending for us. Maybe in another life…

– beautifuldarkmystery

in a moment, everything can change.

Recently, I came across some very sad news. I found out that a student who was set to graduate from my alma mater passed away on Monday after being critically injured by a drunk driver early Sunday morning. Before I found out about his passing (or even about the accident), I was on Facebook and noticed one of my friends liked a photo of this boy and girl. I didn’t know who either of the people were, but I clicked on the photo anyway. When I read the caption, it said something like “…I feel so helpless…all I can do at this point is pray for a miracle…” Then a couple of days later, I realized that the young man who passed away was the same one in that photo. Judging from what I read in the caption, it seemed like these two were in a relationship. Now that he’s passed away, I can only imagine what she’s going through right now.

Why am I bringing this up? It was another reminder that life is short and precious. I look at my situation with my ex-boyfriend. At this point, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get back together with him. I don’t think he wants it as much as I do. But the point is that…we waste so much time arguing over petty things instead of taking the time to appreciate each other and be thankful that we have another day with that person. We may be three hundred miles apart, but that shouldn’t be an excuse as to why we can’t tell each other how much we value the other person. In the blink of an eye, our loved ones can be taken away from us. Any moment. They could be gone tomorrow. So since that, I’ve been telling him that I love him because I really want him to know that and I want him to hear it. We may not be together at the moment, but I really do love him with all of my heart, and yeah, we may argue from time to time, but I never want a day to go by without telling him how much he means to me.

I miss him every single day and the distance sucks. I wish I could see him and have his physical presence with me, but even if all I can do is text him every single night, I’ll take it. But I think it’s really important to say these words to your loved ones every once in a while. You shouldn’t need a special holiday like a birthday or Valentine’s Day to let them know you love them. Just the other week, he was having a bad day and feeling extremely alone, angry, and frustrated. And I just told him, “I love you.” He was so caught off guard that he even asked me where that came from. I told him that I just wanted to tell him. Sometimes a few words can help us more than he thinks. I may not know what he’s going through right now, but I can be there to support him and love him.

I may not know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing…I love this guy with every ounce of my being. He will always be my first true love and I will never forget that. He means the world to me and I didn’t know someone could be this important to me outside of my family. I will never be the same because of him and I wish I could be with him right now. I’ll remain hopeful that one day it will work out like it’s supposed to. But until then, I will keep reminding him of just how much I love him. I miss him so much.

– beautifuldarkmystery

all too familiar.

It feels weird being back here again…not texting each other every day, not seeing each other…this is all too familiar. I know that right now, we both need to not be in contact in order to move on…because as long as we’re still “present” in each other’s lives, we’re not going to let go. It sucks because I’m finally coming to the realization that I need to start doing what’s best for myself, even if it’s not what I want. For example, I’m going home in a couple of days and I’m staying there for about a week. I really want to see him and hang out with him…but I don’t think it’s going to help me. It sucks it has to be that way, but I need to fight it. As much as we want to be there for each other now, we can’t. It’s too hard when the feelings are still there.

I talked to my mom and sister about this because it was starting to scare me how upset I’ve been over this whole thing. I’ve never been through anything like this so all of these feelings are new. But they said I just need to allow time to heal me back, and they’re right. That’s the only way really. It just sucks when the one person you’re closest to is slowly becoming a stranger all over again. I hate it. I miss being close to him, I miss telling him everything, I miss him telling ME everything. I miss what we had. And now that’s all gone.

It seems like he’s already started to move on. I wish I could say the same, but deep down inside I am hurting. But I act like nothing is wrong…I want this week to be fun. I don’t want to think about what’s going on.

– beautifuldarkmystery

what to do.

So last night we were texting as usual and everything was fine. It wasn’t until I steered the conversation in another direction that the mood changed. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve had feelings for this guy for the last three years. We’ve tried twice in the past to be more than friends but both times never worked. It wasn’t until recently that we got into a relationship, but it only lasted a couple of months…simply because I was moving away, he might be gone for a year and a half starting in January, and we hadn’t had enough time to establish anything to feel confident in being away from each other for so long. Anyway, ever since we broke up, we’ve been texting, I’ve used FaceTime once, I’ve called him, and things seem to be going well. We started talking to the point where we felt like we weren’t really broken up, just taking a break. Both of us haven’t been in many relationships so we don’t really know what we’re doing or how it’s supposed to work, but we’ve been trying to make it work for the both of us.

So last night we were texting and I told him I was watching The Amazing Spider-Man on TV. He thought I was teasing him so I sent him a picture of my TV screen. Before I go any further, let me just say that he is a nerd, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He loves his comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, Superman, Kingdom Hearts, you name it. He loves it all. Ever since I met him, I’ve KNOWN how much all of this means to him and how important they are and I know they will forever be a part of his life. So when I told him I was watching Spider-Man, he said he was surprised I was watching it without him having to “force” me to watch it. I told him he’s never forced me to do anything. I was trying to be open-minded to the things he liked because I love him and I know how important all of this is to him.

Then, he kept telling me how he’s attracted to nerds and how by me willingly watching it made me more attractive to him. Then I was honest with him. I told him, that when we started dating, and even before that, I thought it would be so much easier if he could find someone who shared these similar interests because I KNOW how passionate he is and I know how exciting it is when you find someone who likes the same things as you and you can talk and talk and the conversation will never go dull. Then he told me how he met these two girls this semester who fit that description, they’re nerds like him, but he said they’re not me. I told him he should be open-minded and explore his options because you never know. Then he said he’s been talking to this one girl in particular and she’s become a really good friend of his because, and these were his exact words, “she is the female equivalent to me.” My heat sank when I read those words and I got really jealous. I told him I know I have no right to be because we’re not in a relationship anymore, but I couldn’t help what I feel. He continued to insist that he loves me and that he wants me, but at that moment, I couldn’t see any of that.

Then he told me that aside from that, I am his ideal girl in every other way possible. So I asked him in what ways. In the past, he’s talked about how much he wants me physically and I know that he’s said he wants certain things with me BECAUSE it’s me, but sometimes I get the feeling there’s more of a physical attraction from him than an emotional one and I am an emotional person. I value an emotional connection with someone when I’m in a relationship. He listed his qualities and they were all emotional qualities, which made me feel a little better. But still, I was more focused on the fact that he’s been talking to and hanging out with this girl and I have NO right to feel jealous. We are NOT in a relationship and I feel horrible for having these feelings, but it’s so damn hard sometimes….especially after everything we’ve been through.

He was starting to get tired so we ended the conversation there. He went to bed, I lied in bed wide awake. I hate when this happens because then my mind starts going into overdrive and I start thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking. But automatically, I started thinking of the time he told me he was going to go out for drinks with “a new friend” but he didn’t because he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea….then I thought about the time he asked me whether or not I’d want to know if he found someone new, if I would want to know…then I thought about the time he told me that by seeing other people it will make us stronger….and all of these thoughts flooded my mind.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past, I’ve tried to be more open-minded to the things he likes. I watched one of the Star Wars movies with him, I played a little Kingdom Hearts, I even read my first comic book. No, not all of these appealed to me, but at least I TRIED and did these things because I LOVE him. He knows that and he says it means a lot to him. I guess I just wish he would have done the same for me. But he doesn’t think like that. I mean, even if he didn’t like it, I wish he would have at least tried like I did. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words.

So now I’m torn. I know he says he loves me and wants me, but from my perspective, I feel like I’m kind of in the way. To me, having similar interests in a relationship is a great thing…sometimes I feel like if we did, maybe our conversations wouldn’t be so dull. So now I don’t know if I should start to pull back a bit…because for the last couple of nights, we’ve been texting each other like we’re still in a relationship. It hurts, but I don’t want to hold him back. He keeps telling me he doesn’t see it like that because I’m the one he wants and that he loves me, but I don’t know.

And let me just say something. A couple of years ago, when we admitted to having feelings for each other and wanted to see where this would go, I was working a shift at a film festival (I’m pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts), and he texted me asking if I thought we’d ever end up together…because he’d been hanging out with someone and felt like he was “betraying” me. No, we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t exclusive, but I don’t think he knows that that ONE incident kind of scarred me. When feelings get involved, it makes things that much more difficult. My feelings for him were obviously stronger than the ones he had for me back then so of course, the one with the stronger feelings is ALWAYS going to get hurt more in the end. I still remember holding it together until the end of my shift, then rushing back to my car and just sitting there and crying. I vividly remember that day, though I try to block it from my memory. All I’m saying is that I KNOW I’m having these feelings for a reason. It’s not just straight up jealousy. It’s more of a fear…because something similar to this has happened before.

Unfortunately, though, when something like that happens, I focus more on the negatives instead of the positives, which I know I have to work on. So I want to try and focus on the positives for a minute. He and I have grown super close, especially over the last five months or so. He’s opened up to me in ways he never has to anyone before. He feels like he can talk to me about anything and everything. I SAW how much he was hurting after I broke up with him. Thinking about that still rips me to shreds. I KNOW this guy loves me with all of his heart…and that should be enough. I’ve never felt such a tight bond and closeness to another human being before. We both have a strong feeling that this is not the end of our story…that there’s a place for us in the future, those were his exact words.

I guess I’m having these feelings because he’s always been good with words, but when it comes to SHOWING me that he loves me, that hasn’t been so high. He’s told me he’s not good with relationships and he doesn’t know what to do sometimes….so sometimes I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and claim ignorance. But still. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning how he feels about me. For some people, that’s enough…but I think I’m the type of person who wants to be SHOWN. I’m not a materialistic person, but if a guy buys me flowers, or even writes me a letter, or ANYTHING, it reaffirms that love. It’s not so much the materialistic part as much as it is about the THOUGHT behind it. I’m sure there are other girls out there who feel the same way. But that’s just not who he is. When I had my going away party, some of my friends got me gifts and at the end of the night he apologized for not getting me anything. I told him not to worry about it, but in my mind, I thought, even if it was just a card, that would have meant the world to me. It didn’t even have to have anything in it. But that’s just not who he is, and if I want to be in a relationship with him, I really have to take those things into consideration and really think about if this is what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I love this guy with all of my heart. We’ve both expressed to each other how strong of a hold we have on each other…and we both said to each other yesterday morning that we will always be each other’s first true loves.

There’s a part of me that truly believes that what he’s saying is how he really feels and that he is in love with me and there is no one else. But sometimes, me being the person I am, I overlook all of those things and focus on the one thing that should be kind of trivial. Yes, it’s nice to be with someone who shares similar interests with you, but that’s not what the entire relationship is about. Being in a relationship is about being with someone who makes you feel things you’ve never felt before…being with someone who makes you happy, being with someone who can’t stand to be apart from, someone you can be yourself around, someone you can laugh and cry with.

I’m going to see him in about three weeks so we’ll see how that goes. He also plans on visiting me in a couple of months, so that’ll be interesting. I guess, if I’ve realized anything after typing out my thoughts, it’s that I can’t focus on the future, I can’t worry about it because it hasn’t happened yet. However, there are things I need to start seriously considering if I want to continue a relationship with him. Can I live with the fact he doesn’t do the small gestures to show me he loves me? Can I live with the fact that he’s not great with relationships? Can I live with the fact that he doesn’t know how to deal with me or my emotions sometimes? Can I trust him and know that what he feels for me is true? Am I willing to accept all of these to be in a relationship with him? I am so torn because I am in love with him, but I don’t know if I would necessarily be happy. It’s about how much I’d be willing to give up to be with him…I don’t know.

-beautifuldarkmystery

feeling good.

We FaceTimed and it was my first time seeing him since I moved. It was so great to see him and hear his voice. I couldn’t help but noticed he looked a little sad and he said he really misses me and hates that I’m so far away from him. I did tell him I’m coming home in about three weeks and that seemed to make him feel a little better.

“When I come home, I’m going to give you THE biggest hug ever,” I told him
“Oh really?” he said surprised.
“Yes, will that make you feel better?”
“A little…”
“A little?! I want a LOT!”
“Well, you’d have to kiss me to make me feel better.”
“Aw, well maybe I’ll have to do that.”

We both laughed. At least we can laugh about it. I know he wants the relationship, and so do I. But we both know that the timing isn’t so great and the fact that he doesn’t know where he’ll be this next year makes things a little difficult. I can’t wait to see him, but I hope it’ll be okay. I know he’s going to go back into boyfriend mode and treat me like his girlfriend, but we’ll just see what happens. I think it’ll be okay.

We also talked about going to Disneyland for my birthday. Apparently he said we’re going to do it, so I guess it’s happening. That should be interesting. It’s been THE number one thing at the top of our list of things we want to do together…we’ve been talking about this since the day we met, nearly three years ago. If we FINALLY make it happen, it’ll be a dream come true. Should be interesting…

Overall, I think we’re in a good place. We both have a feeling that this is not the end of our relationship…that we will be together again someday, and that feeling alone, has brought both of us some comfort and peace of mind. It’s going to take some getting used to because I’ve never been in a situation like this before. But all I know is what I feel. I love him, and he loves me…and one day, maybe it’ll finally work out the way we want. I hope…but time will tell.

-beautifuldarkmystery

on the mend.

I didn’t talk to him at all yesterday, not even text him, even though I had many urges to ask how he’s doing. In a sense, I feel obligated since I’M the one who broke his heart. But at the same time, I think the only way I can begin to move forward for myself is to create some space and distance. It’s difficult because we spent the last three months or so texting each other every single minute of every day, we FaceTimed each other, talked on the phone occasionally…it’s going to be hard getting into a new routine. I don’t know what’s going through his mind or how he feels, but I get the feeling he’s starting to move on too.

I’m definitely still having some regrets about how things went down last weekend, but every time I start to go back to that place, I just remind myself that if we didn’t do any of that now, it would have happened at some point, eventually. There is just SO much in the air right now, so much uncertainty. With the fact that he might be gone for a year and a half makes my stomach turn. If we were to still continue our relationship, I don’t know that I could. I feel like long distance only works if both people feel completely secure with each other, and , clearly, neither of us felt like that. So in my mind, we were going to break up anyway, whether this fight happened or not…

What sucks is that I DON’T know if that’s actually going to happen. There could be a possibility he gets neither job opportunity and he’s still here. I don’t know why I don’t think about that. In my mind, I think he’s going to get both. Well, whatever the case, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and if we are seriously and truly meant to be together, we’ll find a way back to each other. I really do believe that…we’ve tried this three times now, and, from the outside, someone would probably tell me that it’s never going to work if it hasn’t worked yet. But the way I look at it is that there’s still something that keeps drawing us back together. I blame timing for why our relationship didn’t work out this time. My sister brought up a very good point. He and I started our relationship at the beginning of July. Immediately after that, I went away on vacation for a week so I couldn’t see him or spend time with him. I was offered a job/internship for the entire month of August, so unfortunately, we lost some more time there…and looking back on it, we didn’t really have time to develop anything before I move down south. I think THAT’S where a huge amount of this feeling of insecurity is coming from. it sucks that I see this only now in hindsight. But, there’s a slight possibility that we’re not through yet. I don’t want to plant any false hopes in my head so I keep telling myself that this is it…but I DON’T know what’s going to happen. I don’t know that we’ll end up together again.

With the way we left things, it’s not a yes or a no…it’s a maybe. My mom told me it’s important to be really good friends before dating. When I hear that, in my mind I’m thinking, well, yeah, we were friends before we started dating. But what she truly meant was…really get to know the person. I may have known this guy for three years, but have I really KNOWN him? I know it sounds weird. But we are both still growing and there are things about each other we don’t like or don’t know how to handle. If we really took the time to develop a serious friendship, maybe this would have turned out differently…which is why my mom keeps telling me that maybe it’s not over yet. She said we both need to go through hardships like this and if we can get over this hurdle, we’ll be stronger in the end.

Everything happens for a reason. They say if you love someone, let that person go. If he/she comes back, then they’re yours. If they don’t, then they never were. I know I’ll love him no matter what. In the deepest parts of my heart, I’ll ALWAYS want a relationship with him, I will ALWAYS have those feelings for him…but if a friendship is the only thing that will ever come out of this, then I’d like to continue developing that. I just really wish I could read his mind right now and really know what he’s thinking.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Can two people go back to being friends after being in a relationship? 

rock bottom.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been super busy. First off, I spent last month in another state working on my first feature. Unfortunately, that caused some friction in my relationship because ever since I’ve come back home, things have not been the same between us. To make things worse, we’ve been texting, not talking, which is resulting in me overthinking and overanalyzing a lot of things…therefore, jumping to conclusions I don’t need to jump to. We’ve both considered splitting before I move. I’m going to be six hours away from him and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the distance. But a couple of days ago, he decides to drop the bomb (well, almost) on me and tell me he might be moving across the country for a year and a half. How am I supposed to take that? They’re both for job opportunities and I would be happy for him if he got both, but I don’t know if I can do long distance. I think in order to do long distance, both people need to feel secure in the relationship, something both of us are lacking. A recipe for disaster.

To make things even worse, as soon as I got back home, I was supposed to start studying for the GRE so I can start applying to grad schools. However, by me being distracted by all that’s going on with him, I neglected my studies and caused friction with my mom, who gave me NO slack. I don’t blame her though. I let this stupid thing take over my life and resulted in some very poor decision-making.

I tend to be the type of person that doesn’t like to open up, and my mom got even more frustrated with me because I wasn’t telling her what was going on. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t know if I was too much inside my own head and that anything I was thinking was even rational at all. Plus, I kind of knew what she would say…and she would try and talk me out of the relationship without intending to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but something needs to change. We need to sit down and talk. I think there’s been a lot of miscommunication, which is causing a lot of unhappiness. I’m frustrated because I want this to work, but I keep getting the vibe from him that he doesn’t want this. Yet, he tells me he doesn’t want to break up with me and all he wants is for me to be happy. The way I interpret that is…he’s in the relationship only so that I’ll be happy, which is not right. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. I’ve given him opportunities for an out, but he insists on staying. Maybe I’m going to have to be the one to pull the cord. As much as I don’t want to. Everything my mom is telling me, everything I am feeling…points to, I shouldn’t be with him.

But I love him so much and I can’t picture my life without him. If we end it, there’s no way I can go back to being “just friends” with him…especially after EVERYTHING we’ve been through these last three years. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months, but this whole thing has been going on since we met. It may be one of the toughest decisions I have to make and I don’t want to do it. But if things really don’t start changing, I’m going to have to do it.

I haven’t felt this frustrated in a long time…not just with relationships, but with my personal life as well. I just graduated college and have no idea what I’m doing. In some ways I feel like I’m being pressured to go to grad school so I can get that higher degree, but at the same time, I don’t even know that that’s what I really want. On top of that, I need to start looking for a job and I don’t know if what I got my BA in is what I want to do in life. There are a lot of things in question at the moment and the timing of everything just sucks. I’ve been crying for the last four days and I don’t even know how I still have any tears left, to be honest. Well, it’s like they say, the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up from there. So here goes nothing.

– beautifuldarkmystery

In a relationship, how do you know when to try harder or when to walk away?