when one door closes.

As much as I wanted that job, I was fortunate to have been presented with a potential opportunity. One of my good friends from college recently started his own production company and wants me to be involved. Unfortunately, because they’re just starting, I would be working for free. Right now, my main priority is finding a job that pays, but I’m excited to be on board and help them out. This could turn into something great and I know it will. The two guys running this company are some of the smartest, most creative people I know. They’re passionate and committed to their work and I am honored that they asked me to be a part of this. Plus, it’s also very cool to see something from the very beginning and watch it grow over time.

Even though this isn’t a paying job, there are still many benefits to it. First, I’m in the field I’m most comfortable with, which is production. Looking for work in this industry has been very difficult for me and my internships have led to nothing. But I haven’t given up just yet. Second, I’m working with people I already know and trust, who have my best interests at heart. I know they won’t take advantage of me or anything like that. Third, it’s giving me experience with managing multiple projects at once, while also giving me the opportunity to expand my knowledge in digital media, which is kind of the direction I’m leaning towards at the moment.

There’s still a lot in the air at the moment, but like I said, I think this will lead to great things. I am hoping I will have a full time job by the end of this month. I’m still sticking with my October deadline, but the sooner, the better.

It’s been a frustrating couple of years trying to figure everything out and just feeling so lost. A part of me feels like I’m making this more difficult than it should be, but then the other half of me just doesn’t know what to do. Yes, the future freaks me out and I wish there was some way I could guarantee that I will be okay. But I can only live for now and do everything I can to ensure I will be okay. I know things have a way of working themselves out, and I feel like it’s happening right now. Everything happens for a reason and I think I need to have some faith and trust that this is all meant to be a part of my journey.

beautifuldarkmystery

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it’s only a matter of time until we meet.

People say that you’ve got to have a little patience…that when the right person comes along, it’ll be worth it. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. I’m slowly but surely beginning to truly understand that and accept that. I want to be happy with the person I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to feel self-conscious, guarded, like I’m not good enough. And something tells me I’ll know when I’ve met the right person. I just wish I knew when. But that’s what’s great about life. It presents you with something when you least expect it.

I’ve been doing significantly better this week. I think I am finally beginning to accept the reality of my situation…that he and I are never going to be in the relationship again. I’ve tried to stay optimistic for so long, I’ve continued to hold on to hope, but I am only hurting myself by doing so.

I AM hanging out with him tomorrow, but it’s going to be different and I have to be conscientious of it. I know exactly what he’s going to say and do to reel me back in (because that’s what he always does when he feels like he’s starting to “lose” me or if he gets the slightest feeling that I’m moving on. If he wanted me, he could have had me…but yet, we continue to sit here in this limbo which has caused me agonizing pain, to the point where it’s affected me both physically and mentally. That’s not good.

The other morning, I woke up feeling different. I felt happy…genuinely happy. Despite whatever I’m going through with him at the moment, I felt a sense of peace. Now, I’ve felt this peace before, but this time, it felt different. It put me at ease and I had this feeling that everything was going to be okay. I don’t want to be a victim of this anymore. But I’m going to have to be the one to draw the line because if I don’t, he’s going to continue crossing those boundaries and I’ll never know where we stand.

I want someone who wants me. I don’t want to be an option. I want to know what it feels like to be somebody’s first choice. I haven’t felt that way yet, and maybe that’s because I have yet to meet that one person…that one person who’s going to change my life for the better.

I know you’re out there. It’s only a matter of time until we meet. In the meantime, I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, knowing that one day you will walk into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else. I truly believe everyone is meant to be with someone. It’s just that for some of us, it takes a little longer. And that’s okay.

– beautifuldarkmystery

is this normal.

So today, even though I’m still thinking about it, I was actually…happy, I was in a good mood. Maybe it’s psychological, but I think the weather had something to do with it. The sun was out, it was warm, and it’s practically impossible to be in a bad mood on a day like that. But today was the happiest I’ve been in these last two weeks. Maybe this is good though. Maybe this means I’m slowly starting to get over this bitterness I have about this whole thing. I don’t know though. I may wake up tomorrow morning and feel like crap again. But this is super weird. I don’t understand how I can go from one emotion to the other end of the spectrum in a day. Is this even normal? I have no idea what’s happening and honestly, I’m not going to complain. It’s not like me to get over something quickly, but if I can be in a good mood about it and not let it affect me, then hey, I’ll take it.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been “practicing” what I’m going to say to him when we finally talk. I’ve been saying all of it out loud too, as if he’s actually with me and I’m having the conversation with him. Who knows…I’m going to try and keep this positive momentum going into next week. I don’t want to fall back into this yucky mood. All it takes is for me to see him and then I’m back at the beginning. That’s one of the most frustrating things…you feel like you’re making progress and then you end up back at the beginning again. That’s how I feel right now. During the week, I get into this terrible mood because I have to see him twice a week in class and deal with the fact we’re not speaking to each other and we’re not really a part of each other’s lives at the moment. Then the weekend rolls around and that means three days (I don’t have classes on Fridays) of not seeing him at all, so my mood lightens. Then Monday comes around and I have to see him in class and the cycle starts all over again. Well, it’s time to beak the cycle! I need to regain my footing and not allow one person to have THIS MUCH control over me. I mean, come on! A little ridiculous, yeah?

I’ve been writing in my journal too. I think that’s also helped. Man, it sure is great to have all these outlets for me to express myself. Otherwise I think I would lose my sanity. And thanks to those of you who’ve been helping me with this situation. You’ve given me some great advice that I’ve taken to heart and it definitely gives me something to think about.

I’m going to make this week a great week. I’m not going to allow one person to ruin it for me. I’m better and stronger than that. I’m going to keep my head up, smile, and breathe in a new sense of confidence. Now if I can keep telling myself that, I’ll be back on track again.

-beautifuldarkmystery